Restore:

sometimes I can't use my own words

2012-02-04T20:13:00.001-05:00

So I'll borrow Crowder's

This place is trying to break my belief
But my faith is bigger than all I can see
What I need is redemption
What I need is for You for to put me back on my feet

I swear I'm trying to give everything
But I feel I'm falling, oh make me believe
What I need is resurrection
What I need is for You to put me back on my feet

If I could feel You shine Your perpetual light
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight
If I could feel You feel You shine
Oh let me feel You shine
So beautiful and warm
So beautiful and bright
Like the sun comin' out of a rainy sky
Oh let me feel You shine Oh,
Let me feel You shine

I lift the knife to the thing I love most
Praying You'll come so I can have both
What I need is for You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need

If I could feel You shine your perpetual light
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight
If I could feel You feel You shine
Oh let me feel You shine
So beautiful and warm
So beautiful and bright
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky
Oh let me feel You shine
God I need a Savior
O come Generous King
O God I need a Savior
To come rescue me

Let me feel You shine
Let me feel You shine

~Let me feel you shine, David Crowder Band

abandon

2012-01-31T23:45:00.000-05:00

Do You See Your Calling?

Jan 31

. . . separated to the gospel of God. . . —Romans 1:1

Our calling is not primarily to be holy men and women, but to be proclaimers of the gospel of God. The one all-important thing is that the gospel of God should be recognized as the abiding reality. Reality is not human goodness, or holiness, or heaven, or hell— it is redemption. The need to perceive this is the most vital need of the Christian worker today. As workers, we have to get used to the revelation that redemption is the only reality. Personal holiness is an effect of redemption, not the cause of it. If we place our faith in human goodness we will go under when testing comes.
Paul did not say that he separated himself, but “when it pleased God, who separated me . . .” (Galatians 1:15). Paul was not overly interested in his own character. And as long as our eyes are focused on our own personal holiness, we will never even get close to the full reality of redemption. Christian workers fail because they place their desire for their own holiness above their desire to know God. “Don’t ask me to be confronted with the strong reality of redemption on behalf of the filth of human life surrounding me today; what I want is anything God can do for me to make me more desirable in my own eyes.” To talk that way is a sign that the reality of the gospel of God has not begun to touch me. There is no reckless abandon to God in that. God cannot deliver me while my interest is merely in my own character. Paul was not conscious of himself. He was recklessly abandoned, totally surrendered, and separated by God for one purpose— to proclaim the gospel of God (see Romans 9:3).

-My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers

God is Just

2012-01-26T23:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I have to remind myself God is just. He is merciful (hallelujah!), but He is also just. As much as I think I long for justice, He does all the more because He fully embodies it. I only long for justice; He IS just.
     We are saved by grace, but that doesn't mean God's wrath for our injustice was appeased; He has not lain aside justice in order to save us.
     The world is mad. Oppressors go unpunished, wickedness is exalted, the helpless are exploited. Where is justice in the world? Look to the cross. Jesus drank to the dregs the full wrath of God, paid for every drop. God did not simply wave a sparkly wand over us and declare us forgiven with an "it's okay" and a pat on the head. Our sin was fully paid for by Christ's incomprehensible suffering on the cross. The man who rapes babies will receive justice, either through the cross or eternal damnation. Yes, the world lacks justice now, but it is coming. I forget and despair, but it is coming. Why the delay? Come quickly, Lord! ...But it's God's mercy that withholds His righteous wrath. He longs for restoration of the relationship we lost in the garden. So long as God waits, more people may find redemption.
     The Lord is good. That means more to me than anything. His anger burns against injustice far beyond mine; His love goes far beyond mine.
     I will remember and rejoice.

"Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for His judgements are true and just." -Rev. 19:1-2

"For I the Lord love justice; I hate robbery and wrong; I will faithfully give them their recompense." -Isaiah 61:8

"The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed." -Psalm 103:6

"The Lord saw it, and it displeased him that there was no justice. He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no one to intercede; then his own arm brought him salvation, and his righteousness upheld him. He put on righteousness as a breastplate, and a helmet of salvation on his head; he put on garments of vengeance for clothing, and wrapped himself in zeal as a cloak...And a Redeemer will come to Zion, to those in Jacob who turn from transgression,” declares the Lord." -Isaiah 59:15-17

The call

2012-01-24T01:04:00.001-05:00

It started at Passion 2011, singing David Crowder’s“Sometimes”-

“Where you go, we willfollow. Oh God, send me.”… Iremember thinking of what those words really meant as I sang them. I was on a cliff in a strong and terrifyingwind. I didn’t want to jump into theopen air, but I heard God say, “It’s where I am.” Okay God. Where You go, I will follow. Sendme. I saw God, and I meant thosewords. I jumped.

…

On the plane, I read this excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest,

He went out, notknowing where he was going —Hebrews 11:8

Have you ever “gone out” in this way? Ifso, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you aredoing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is,“What do you expect to do?” You don’t know what you are going to do. The onlything you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine yourattitude toward God to see if you are willing to “go out” in every area of yourlife, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constantwonder, because you don’t know what God is going to do next. Each morning asyou wake, there is a new opportunity to “go out,” building your confidence inGod. “. . . do not worry about your life . . . nor about the body . . .” (Luke12:22). In other words, don’t worry about the things that concerned you beforeyou did “go out.”

Have you been asking God what He is goingto do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do— Hereveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you“go out” in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota byanything He does?

Believe God is alwaysthe God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think howunnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be acontinual willingness to “go out” in dependence upon God, and your life willhave a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying toJesus. You must learn to “go out” through your convictions, creeds, orexperiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothingbetween yourself and God.

Going out is like stripping. At each passing moment you have to take off pride, expectations, fear,want, comfort… but once you’re naked and uncomfortable, you are absolutely freeand ready for God to use you. It’sreally a beautiful moment. I bulk at itevery time, but every time I come to a fuller realization that God’s ways arenot mine and His thoughts are higher, more powerful, more beautiful. I loved every fiber of this trip, couldn’tbelieve how much I loved it, especially being with the Ukrainian team. They are passionately obedient to Christ, andso genuine. I want to be like that. Fellowship with them is so precious to me- myspirit is revived, I learn so much and am so enriched.

Could I livein Ukraine? Could I do this full-time?or at least long term? …yes. Is that what God has for me? I don’t know. If it is, will it be easy? Absolutely not. But I constantlyasked myself during difficult parts of the trip, “could you do this if Godcalled you to?” Yes. I trust Him. I want what He wants. No matter how difficult, painful, lonely, andmiserable it might become, it would be worth it.

This was thedevotion from My Utmost the day afterI came home.

I heard the voice ofthe Lord, saying: ’Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?’ —Isaiah 6:8

When we talk about thecall of God, we often forget the most important thing, namely, the nature ofHim who calls. There are many things calling each of us today. Some of thesecalls will be answered, and others will not even be heard. The call is theexpression of the nature of the One who calls, and we can only recognize thecall if that same nature is in us. The call of God is the expression of God’snature, not ours. God providentially weaves the threads of His call through ourlives, and only we can distinguish them. It is the threading of God’s voicedirectly to us over a certain concern, and it is useless to seek anotherperson’s opinion of it. Our dealings over the call of God should be keptexclusively between ourselves and Him.

The call of God is nota reflection of my nature; my personal desires and temperament are of noconsideration. As long as I dwell on my own qualities and traits and thinkabout what I am suited for, I will never hear the call of God. But when Godbrings me into the right relationship with Himself, I will be in the samecondition Isaiah was. Isaiah was so attuned to God, because of the great crisishe had just endured, that the call of God penetrated his soul. The majority ofus cannot hear anything but ourselves. And we cannot hear anything God says.But to be brought to the place where we can hear the call of God is to beprofoundly changed.

I just want to know Him, no matter where I am or where Hebrings me and I truly don't know where that will be.

Help?

2012-01-21T12:47:00.005-05:00

I try very hard to be self-sufficient. Bad idea. God's teaching me 1) I need people. 2) It is OK that I need people. 3) It's OK that I NEED. I don't like to even write the words, but they are true. they are good.
That said, I need help. Being a Christian and a successful student at Rollins are not going over very well. I've been able to talk about Jesus with some of my classmates, and a couple of them have been receptive, but I'm certainly not allowing God to proclaim His love and glory through me on campus. It's an exhausting spiritual battle just to fight off my own doubt and fear I encounter every day through my professors and classmates. I don't walk in freedom, and I don't walk in love. Loving stuck up, hypocritical, selfish, materialistic, spoiled college students WILL NOT happen unless God gives me love for them. And my biggest temptation? Dressing in my rigid, ambitious, smart-ass lit nerd persona and not just being a person who loves Jesus.
Pray for me? I want this semester, my last one, to be marked as a time people experienced the love of Jesus, not a time that fed my ego.

It's a Wonderful Life

2011-12-29T01:02:00.003-05:00

       I was driving home from a depressing day at work, feeling low, when God flooded my mind with flashes of beautiful memories- vibrant FL sky, theme song texts from Dams, the crisp smell of winter trees, Jason dances, Ukraine, my Dad's voice, Tennyson, "Miss Abi, I'm gonna ask Santa to bring you Diamonds," Wesley-made apple and cheese omlettes with blueberries, Robin's ears, yellow, twinkle lights, despereauxing, Southern fam, Jesus..... I cried in my car for the joy of it all. I have Jesus, and all this as well? Our God is overwhelmingly generous.
       I've realized this year has been especially wonderful. It started with Passion, where God began to unravel my bound heart and allowed it to begin trusting Him truly. Then my bosom friend got engaged... engaged! She's getting married! She's my shield, and I've learned more from her example in this season than I can express. I loved most of my classes and got As both semesters. I started working at the Bookstore, surrounded by beautiful words and women who invest in me and love me. I spent two glorious months in Ukraine that has and will shape my life forever. I started writing poetry again. I met and grew closer to beautiful people. I've seen the sun rise and set over the sea from two different coasts on the same day. My Savior has revealed Himself ever more beautiful and good and just and loving. He's set me aflame and given me purpose, specific purpose unraveling before my very eyes! I know who I am now on a far deeper plane than ever before- what I'm good at, what I'm not, what I hate, where I'm weak. Something else about this year, it was the first year I could say I'm truly content to be single. I've been single my whole life either from pure conviction or even fear, but this year I've loved it. I've seen how God has protected my heart and used singleness to cultivate good. I don't worry about the future anymore, it's in God's hands.
       I don't say all this to boast, well, not in myself at least. God has changed my life, is changing my life, my pathetic life! He works all things together for good, and I am thankful for the ways He is working it in my own life. Life isn't perfect; I am so far from perfect. But. this realization doesn't cause me to despair anymore. Yes, I am a wretched sinner who has spent her whole life fighting against the proof that she can't make herself worthy. But Jesus saves...

The LORD saw it, and it displeased him

that there was no justice.

He saw that there was no man,

and wondered that there was no one to intercede;

then his own arm brought him salvation,

and his righteousness upheld him.

He put on righteousness as a breastplate,

and a helmet of salvation on his head;

he put on garments of vengeance for clothing,

and wrapped himself in zeal as a cloak...And a Redeemer will come to Zion,

to those in Jacob who turn from transgression,” declares the LORD.

(Isaiah 59)

Our Business

2011-12-24T00:27:00.000-05:00

     "Oh! captive, bound and double-ironed," cried the phantom, "not to know that ages of incessant labor, by immortal creatures, for this earth, must pass into eternity before the good of which it is susceptible is all developed! Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness! Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities misused! Yet such was I! Oh! Such was I!"
   "But you were always a good man of business, Jacob," faltered Scrooge, who now began to apply this to himself.
   "Business!" cried the Ghost, wringing his hands again. "Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!"

Romans 7:14-25

2011-12-17T01:58:00.000-05:00

For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am made out of flesh, sold into sin's power. For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree with the law that it is good. So now I am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good is with me, but there is no ability to do it. For I do not do the good that I want to do, but I practice the evil that I do not want to do. Now if I do what I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but it is the sin that lives in me. So I discover this principle: when I want to do good, evil is with me. For in my inner self I joyfully agree with God's law. But I see a different law in the parts of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and taking me prisoner to the law of sin in the parts of my body. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?...

...I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

I am not a slave to sin. but sometimes it feels that way.

Tomorrow, Jesus, kindred spirits, the sea.

2011-12-09T01:24:00.001-05:00

I saw red and yellow flowers outside

The brightest sunrise than i seen in a long time.

And through it all,

I stood and stumbled, waded through my thoughts and heart

Yeah through it all,

I fooled and fumbled, lost to the poet's frown.

I fought the wolves of patience just to let it lie down.

See these waters they'll pull you up,

Oh if you're bolder than the darkness.

That these songs be an instrument to cut

Spaces between the happiness and the hardness.

Out the door,

The touch of morning, the burning of the frost

Out the door

Strong hands to hold; good friends that i never lost.

And what we found

Down these coves of limestone and cockle shells,

What we found

Down these roads that wander as lost as the heart

Is a chance to breathe again, a chance for a fresh start.

See these waters they'll pull you up,

Oh if you're bolder than the darkness.

That these songs be an instrument to cut

Spaces between the happiness and the hardness.

Oh, spaces between the happiness and the hardness.

Ben Howard, "These Waters"

His blessings just keep coming!

2011-12-04T10:55:00.001-05:00

I just received a $500 check for my Ukraine trip from a completely unexpected source!! Ack! Does God deliver, or does He deliver?!

*a day after posting the above, someone gave me a check for $1500!!

I think it might be possible that God wants me to go to Ukraine.... :)

For Comrade.

2011-12-02T17:57:00.001-05:00

Thanks for "freeze crackled." [^^^]

Waking up brittle

Oh sleepy body, up!

Out of comforter, and be sheetless.

Freeze crackled body grabs a sweater.

It is 78 degrees.

The sweater is an attempt to shelter the thinness of body skin

thinned like an egg shell in vinegar.

Thinness smells sharp like vinegar,

but really

feels dry like a socket where a tooth once thick and hardy

now evaporated to shell and sensitive nerves shivers,

but really

sounds like air slicing hollow branches which are

dead and no longer thirsty.

"If we are faithLESS He remains faithFUL."

2011-11-30T23:18:00.001-05:00

no. joke.
I'm almost to embarrassed to share this, but God is proving His faithfulness in my life and it's so overwhelming that I want to write it down and never let myself forget! I have been freaking out about my life (note 2 posts ago): devastated that I won't be able to see the children I love in Ukraine next month, confused and scared because I hadn't raised enough money for the trip and there is no way I could pay for it, doubting God's blessing in giving me the opportunity to go, tangled in problems with the scarves I'm making/selling for Ukraine, stressed to the max about my college classes, directionless in my future....
     Sunday night, I was ready to explode with the weight of it all. I wanted to scream at God "why aren't You coming through for me!?"
          Well....
Monday morning I find out the issues with the scarves are completely resolved and I didn't have to lift a finger.
Monday afternoon I'm given an extension on the due date for the money for the trip.
Tuesday morning I'm told it is possible to have the Vovka kids leave their orphanage and visit us in Kyiv and, if they come, we'll throw a Christmas party for them!
Also Tuesday morning, I find out there are long term mission positions with Hope for Orphans I could get involved in.
Tuesday mid-morning one of my professors gives the class an extension on the due date for our final paper (this has never happened to me in my 5 years at Rollins!)
Tuesday afternoon my poetry prof. encourages me to pursue a MFA degree in creative writing.
Tuesday night I get a call from a friend who found out I need funds for my trip and wants to help me out.
   I mean, how insane is this!! God did all this for me even when I didn't have the faith to hope for it. He is too good to me. I don't deserve Him one iota and yet He delights in flooding me with His blessing!
Hallelujah!

"When I'm weary and overwrought with so many battles left unfought..."

2011-11-24T00:00:00.001-05:00

"...I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars...
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come kicking down that door
I see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load"
(from Sarah Groves' "When the Saints," definitely my victory song. thanks Dams.)

It's so easy to look at the world and despair over its atrocious state. It's easy to doubt God's goodness. It's easy for me to doubt. But I have to remember, God is on the move. He is restoring His people, and He calls me not to despair, but to "fill up what is still lacking in Christ's affliction" (Col. 1:24). Not that Christ's suffering lacks something to complete salvation, but it does lack a messenger, and He has called us to be that messenger! Is it a task too big for us? Yes. Can we save the world? No. But God's message is far beyond us. "It [God's Word] shall not return to me empty, butit shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it" (Isaiah 55:10-11). As Isaiah says earlier in chap. 55, God's vision is far higher than ours. What looks like inevitable defeat to us, He has planned for ultimate victory.

The fam and I have been watching The Lord of the Rings over the past few nights- phenomenal movies! The story resonates so strongly with THE story, the one we are all living. But I have to say, great as the movies are, the books are still better. I love the moment when Sam realizes his and Frodo's impossible journey goes beyond their current circumstances. He catches the vision of a greater perspective.

"We shouldn’t be here at all if we’d known more about it before we started. But I suppose it’s often that way. The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of sport, as you might say. But that’s not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually—their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn’t. And if they had, we shouldn’t know, because they’d have been forgotten. We hear about those as just went on—and not all to a good end, mind you; at least not to what folk inside a story and not outside it call a good end."
     When I stay focused in the story, I'm overwrought, but God is outside the story, and He promises me the story's worth fighting for. It's just so hard for me to remember. One of the worst aspects of my personality is the way I totter between apathy and ambition, rarely do I balance in between. In ambition I strive to be and do and think in my own strength, and I burn out (like that quote from Ever After- "I used to think if I cared about anything, I'd have to care about everything, and I'd go stock-raving mad!") then I flip to the opposite end and decide not to care at all- what can I do about it anyway? Nothing in my own strength. My Lord remembers that I am dust and gives me His strength to accomplish His purposes. I'm preaching to myself because, though I know this is true, I don't live like I know it.
     I want to change. to fight the long defeat. I want to say, as Paul Farmer said, “I have fought the long defeat and brought other people on to fight the long defeat, and I’m not going to stop because we keep losing. I don’t dislike victory... we’re used to being on a victory team. We want to be on the winning team, but at the risk of turning our backs on the losers, no, it’s not worth it. So you fight the long defeat.” There are suffering people in to world without a glimmer of hope. I want to fight ferociously for those people.
     I'm realizing, we can't fight the long defeat (with hints of future glory) until we catch the vision, until we truly know what we are fighting for WILL come, and will be of far surpassing worth. This may be a silly example, but bear with me. Yesterday morning Dad and I were talking about scuba diving. We got so excited that we actually started dream planning a dive/fishing trip to Roatan, Honduras. (We're both slightly obsessed with the ocean).

As we looked at pictures of stunning reefs, read about sea creatures and ship wrecks, and talked about diving shear wall drops into 10,000 ft deep blue brilliance, I realized that, as much as I longed for these things (and let me tell you, I want them bad!) they are only a reflection of the glories of Heaven, of eternity with Jesus. He is all surpassing worth, worth fighting for, living for, dying for, even "losing" for.

Please pray for me, that I would fight, and remember how worthy of fighting for He is.

Psalm 13

2011-11-22T00:36:00.001-05:00

amen.

2011-11-18T23:26:00.001-05:00

My mind has been terrifyingly chaotic as of late with so many thoughts I've wanted to blog but couldn't catch and organize into logical slots. Well, my mental state hasn't improved, but if I don't at least try to release something from my mind it will explode, implode, freeze, overheat, disintegrate... I don't know, but something awful.
So this will probably not make any sense. I apologize in advance.
You know, I thought I had finally figured out in what direction God wanted me to move, finally. But I gotta say, right now I'm pretty darn clueless, again. I was going to become a writer. Clearly God opened doors in that direction. And maybe I will become a writer, but honestly, I. hate. writing. No really. Poetry is difficult, but I love the challenge and the results so it's not too miserable, but anything else? Hate it. Creative writing? I'll spend 6 hours writing 3 pages of nonsense presented in miserable, ungrammatical, simple sentences. Analytical writing? I'll spend days compiling copious research, become an expert on the topic, then stare at a blank Word document for hours, write one sentence, wipe the blood off my brow and write another sentence hours later. Writing is certainly not my natural skill set. I can't even spell. I work hard, and I've learned much, but I'm not good at it.
Ukraine. I had this grand idea of going over there and teaching English after I graduate, but, uh, graduation is fast approaching and I still don't speak Russian. Who in their right mind would move to a country and not know the language? Denis called me out on that one yesterday while we were skyping. "It's not a good example," he said. and he's right. How dare I try and teach people my language when I can't even speak theirs? And then there's the orphans. My soul aches for the kids I met this summer. I desperately wanted to rescue them. I prayed fervently that God would allow me to contact them again. Then I was invited back to Ukraine in January, to one of the orphanages I went to this summer! God had answered my prayers! He was going to give me my heart's desire! Yesterday I found out we are now going to a completely new orphanage, far away from the kids I love. And. we're not spending much of our time with the orphans because of other ministry we will do. Not gonna lie, I felt a bit betrayed by God. I mean, I was fine with not going back to Ukraine; I knew He loved the kids more than I and they were in His hands, but to allow me to hope and almost give me my dream only to dash it? It seemed cruel.
Fortunately, He didn't let me stay in that place for long. He met me tonight. I don't have any idea how to accurately express how, but it was a moment more sweet and beautiful than any this world can offer. I was driving home from my first Winter With the Writers intern meeting, stressing out hardcore. This internship will be -to put it mildly- intense. But in the middle of my stress, God spoke to me. You've got it all wring love; let me reframe it for you. This internship isn't about you being an amazing writer and the top of your class, this internship is an opportunity to love people, to show them how much I love them, to serve them like I serve you. He painted a stunning, precious picture of life, true purposeful life! My burdens melted under the beauty of Him. Life isn't about me, hallelujah!! Life is so much bigger than me! The Lord, my Lord, LOVES me. me! Even though I treat Him horribly, He loves me. He wants me to play a part in His beautiful, meaningful plan for restoration of the whole world! There is so much I don't know in this world, so much I will never measure up to, but I know this, more than it is possible for me to know anything else. The beautiful creator of all that exists knows my name, and He loves me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
We've been discussing narratives and frames in my classes this past week, and I realized something. Humans are limited. I'm limited (cue music: "I'm limited, just look at me. I'm liiiiiiiiiiiiiimited"....). No matter how much information I take in, I will never know everything, and therefore can never make a true assessment or judgement of anything, because I do not know it completely. Not history, not science, not culture, nothing can truly be interpreted without being fully known. We all see through a frame. Granted, some people's frames are larger than others, but it's still a frame- limited vision. The only way to remove a frame, is to be omniscient. So ya know what most people do once they realize this? They become extremely depressed and decide truth is relative, we all create our own truth based on our own limited perspectives. Meaning is created. It's what makes story different than event. The events of our life happen, but as soon as we reflect on them, any time we tell our story, we're creating purpose and meaning, so life only means what we want it too, which is basically saying life doesn't really mean anything at all because meaning is not universal. BUT, there is good news! Yes, we are limited and can never fully understand anything, but we can know the person who does know all things! The person who is not limited by any frames because He is the first and the last, He knows all that was, is, and is to come! What's more than that, He's created a story! A story that does have universal meaning and purpose, a story that He invites us into! Isn't this glorious?! For a girl who relies far to heavily on her own intellect, this is such freeing and wonderful news! I don't have to figure everything out, I CAN'T even if I killed myself trying! AND YET I can know truth! I know Him intimately! and He loves me! Praise the Lord of all the earth!

Victory

2011-11-10T23:36:00.001-05:00

I met her three times,

in Paris first,

reduced to torso and sheet-tangled legs,

her bellybutton exposed by sea breeze,

yet people call her Winged Victory.

I saw her again in push-ups and lace,

still wearing wings,

smelling like jasmine, body, and desire

from Victoria’s.

Last time I did not see her.

With clipped wings, she’s a true secret now.

“Oh Natasha, Natasha! Natasha!” John sang in climax.

And she? another’s victory.

The Book Thief. Markus Zusak.

2011-11-03T17:44:00.000-04:00

Part 1: DEATH AND CHOCOLATE

"First the colors.

Then the humans.

That's usually how I see things.

Or at least, how I try.

***HERE IS A SMALL FACT ***

You are going to die.

I am in all truthfulness attempting to be cheerful about this whole topic, though most people find themselves hindered in believing me, no matter my protestations. Please, trust me. I most definitely can be cheerful. I can be amiable. Agreeable. Affable. And that's only the A's. Just don't ask me to be nice. Nice has nothing to do with me.

***Reaction to the ***

AFOREMENTIONED fact

Does this worry you?

I urge you--don't be afraid.

I'm nothing if not fair.

--Of course, an introduction.

A beginning.

Where are my manners?

I could introduce myself properly, but it's not really necessary. You will know me well enough and soon enough, depending on a diverse range of variables. It suffices to say that at some point in time, I will be standing over you, as genially as possible. Your soul will be in my arms. A color will be perched on my shoulder. I will carry you gently away.

At that moment, you will be lying there (I rarely find people standing up). You will be caked in your own body. There might be a discovery; a scream will dribble down the air. The only sound I'll hear after that will be my own breathing, and the sound of the smell, of my footsteps.

The question is, what color will everything be at that moment when I come for you? What will the sky be saying?

Personally, I like a chocolate-colored sky. Dark, dark chocolate. People say it suits me. I do, however, try to enjoy every color I see--the whole spectrum. A billion or so flavors, none of them quite the same, and a sky to slowly suck on. It takes the edge off the stress. It helps me relax.

***A SMALL THEORY ***

People observe the colors of a day only at its beginnings and ends, but to me it's quite clear that a day merges through a multitude of shades and intonations, with each passing moment.A single hour can consist of thousands of different colors.

Waxy yellows, cloud-spat blues. Murky darknesses.In my line of work, I make it a point to notice them.

As I've been alluding to, my one saving grace is distraction. It keeps me sane. It helps me cope, considering the length of time I've been performing this job. The trouble is, who could ever replace me? Who could step in while I take a break in your stock-standard resort-style vacation destination, whether it be tropical or of the ski trip variety? The answer, of course, is nobody, which has prompted me to make a conscious, deliberate decision--to make distraction my vacation. Needless to say, I vacation in increments. In colors.

Still, it's possible that you might be asking, why does he even need a vacation? What does he need distraction from?

Which brings me to my next point.

It's the leftover humans.

The survivors.

They're the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail. I deliberately seek out the colors to keep my mind off them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind, crumbling among the jigsaw puzzle of realization, despair, and surprise. They have punctured hearts. They have beaten lungs.

Which in turn brings me to the subject I am telling you about tonight, or today, or whatever the hour and color. It's the story of one of those perpetual survivors--an expert at being left behind.

It's just a small story really, about, among other things:

* A girl

* Some words

* An accordionist

* Some fanatical Germans

* A Jewish fist fighter

* And quite a lot of thievery

I saw the book thief three times."

I can't even begin to express my love for this book.

Days have theme songs...

2011-10-27T21:58:00.000-04:00

...and though it's almost over, here's today's, compliments of Lacrae.

Father God, I'm prayin' to you for somebody, who knows you Lord but just hasn't, hasn't been seein' you in the right view lately, Hear me out...
Father, I'm prayin' for a friend he and I are pretty close, and out of all my friends for this one I'm concerned the most. He say he readin' daily but he ain't really learnin'. He been in church but say that he ain't moved by any sermon. His faith's weak, he ain't prayed in a week, he wake up and just weeps with his face in the sink. Lord, you gotta help my man, I'm prayin' for him daily, he ain't sinned but it just seem as if he goin' crazy. He say he feelin' trapped... he's strugglin', even though he talk to me, I tell him what to do but he don't listen when he oughta' be. I'm scared for him coz there's people that look up to him, he got some younger siblings who been changed by what he's done for them but is it done for him? Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me...
Yeah, I'm prayin' for you, I'm prayin' for you...
God, his condition is worsen since we were last conversed and I'm with him now and he ain't doin' well and this I'm certain. He say he tryna' trust you, doesn't wanna disgust you but he was in the mist of sinners and did not discuss you and just today his anxiety's got the best of him, he knows Christ but for hours refuse to rest in Him, he's not the best of men but Lord I know he really loves you and I can't understand why lately he's not thinkin' of you. People trust this dude, you could crush this dude, Father he needs more of you. I pray you touch this dude. What can I say to him? I'm determined to pray for him. Father empty and break him. I pray you'll just have your way with him, coz there's a change in him and the effects are strong. I pray you open up his heart before the next song and when he gets home, I pray he'll open up the sixty-six book love letter you wrote and soak it up coz he ain't hearin' You and he ain't feelin' me and God I know it's killin' You because it's killin' me and matter of fact there's somethin' else he's concealin' see,
the person that I've been prayin' about is really me...

torrens voluptatis

2011-10-27T20:18:00.001-04:00

I will see JESUS, really see Him, literally in His presence.
"At present, if we are reborn in Christ, the spirit in us lives directly on God; but the mind and, still more, the body receives life from Him at a thousand removes- through our ancestors, through our food, through the elements. The faint, far-off results of those energies which God's creative rapture implanted in matter when He made the worlds are what we now call physical pleasures; and even thus filtered, they are too much for our present management. What would it be to taste at the fountainhead that stream of which even these lower reaches prove so intoxicating? Yet that, I believe, is what lies before us. The whole man is to drink joy from the fountain of joy... In the light of our present specialized and depraved appetites, we cannot imagine this torrens voluptatis, and I warn everyone most seriously not to try. But it must be mentioned, to drive out thoughts even more misleading- thoughts that what is saved is a mere ghost, or that the risen body lives in numb insensibility. The body was made for the Lord, and these dismal fancies are wide of the mark.
Meanwhile the cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is Monday morning..." ~C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory
But it is not this day; today is the cross. To live is Christ and to die is gain. No, it's not today, but it IS coming, and glorious anticipation gives us strength to continue.

Sometimes I wonder about the sanity (or lack thereof) of my mind...

2011-10-18T00:14:00.000-04:00

So instead of hashing out cognitive thought, here's a cockney poem I wrote a couple years back.
As art, it's miserable- as an expression of my mind, it serves.
[and no, I'm not British, so yes, my cockney isn't legit, shopopalo]

Cockney

Here's lookin' at you kid

'Cause tonight you're gonna Charlie Brown

I'll be lookin' fer you kid

As the icy waves crash down

The first'll mess an' muck your brearf

The second, knock you cold

The third brings resurrecshun

This jig ney'er grows old!

Lor', luv a duck!

Cold blink in Jurrassic Park

Ya sure feel like a schmuck

Chomped by Noah's Ark

The George Michael's quite legendary

So unfortunately ordinary

"Logic! Why don't they teach logic at these schools?"

2011-10-07T00:20:00.000-04:00

Forgive me as I climb onto a soap box...

     I've grown up with a sense of moral obligation to education. Grades are only a reflection on that obligation, as words are to faith. Thanks Mom- I think homeschooling helped form my mind that way.
     Most students know how to make the grade: take good notes, tell the prof what he wants to hear, study for the test... that's how most students "learn." But they never activate their minds. They don't think, and their teachers often don't require them to.
     I could go on and on about the failings of our educational system, but (I think) students realizing education is not a vehicle to a "good job" but rather an intrinsically valuable entity in itself is the first step to developing our minds. And, as Ben Stuart points out, the formation of our minds matter because "what you think about is what you care about and what you care about is what you chase."
                                                                                          ...stepping down from box now.

"Life is pain, highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something."

2011-10-03T20:26:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't noticed, this thing we call life is seriously depraved. I'm reading The Natashas: Inside the Global Sex Trade by Victor Malarek, and I do not have words to describe the atrocity of evil it reveals. Honestly- grotesque, wicked, malignant, repulsive, base, vicious, damnable- I've used these words for far more petty things, and they don't measure up.

"How can people treat people like this?!" I've screamed into the book multiple times. They clearly do not value human life, something society agrees we all should do.

But why? Why is human life valuable? Because we are made in the image of God. We represent Him, and in Him is all value. But most people don't understand that. I'm really curious to hear how non-christians would answer that question...

I am a Dragon.

2011-09-30T23:10:00.001-04:00

"I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off. I stepped out of it. I could see it there lying beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as before. That's alright, I'll just peel it off again. The same thing happened. How ever many skins have I got to take off? Again. Nothing. Then the lion said, "you will have to let me." I was afraid of his claws, but I was desperate now. "The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I had ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was feeling the stuff peel off. He peeled it off- just as I had thought I'd done myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt- and there it was lying on the grass."

- The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C. S. Lewis

Warning: Abi vents.

2011-09-24T02:04:00.000-04:00

Serve God love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
And you know me
And you know me
Oh man is a giddy thing...

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be
~Sigh No More, Mumford & Sons

Theme song of today much? Yup. Put into "pretty" words, I certainly do NOT see the beauty of love as it was made to be.
at. all.
There are so many places in my heart that should be gushing with love, but they're dead and rotting. Places I've suffocated so long, now I don't even know how to let God into them. It's as if they don't exist anymore.
The healing process requires pain. I get that. It's even in the Lion King (which I watched today). Simba flees through briars, Rafiki brings him back through briars to face his father's image. Simba is in a field at night when his father promises to be with him always, Simba returns to a field at night when his father's spirit confronts him. Laugh if you want. It makes sense to me. God brings us back to the place of pain in order to heal the hurt.
I'm not afraid of pain. I don't push God away because I know it will hurt. It's more like I no longer have a place to let him into- it's dead.
But I'm saying this about a God who raises the dead.
^"That is why it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring—not only to the adherent of the law but also to the one who shares the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all, as it is written, "I have made you the father of many nations"—in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist. In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead, since he was about a hundred years old, or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." ~Romans 4:16-21.
God can, and will raise what is dead in me.

"For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." ~Romans 8:2. Gotta be honest, "free" is about the farthest thing from how I feel. I can't escape my sin. I don't know what living in freedom feels like, but it is not [this].
And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
But my God raises the dead and calls into existence things that do not exist.
So I wait.
and hope.

Just: a sonnet

2011-09-14T22:28:00.000-04:00

We, sitting, decree emphatically:
The fact of the matter is truth is relative- absolutely!
That resolved, canvas shoes lead us through the world we have fixed to the wall
riddle-like;
“What’s black, white, and read all over?”
Newspapers reflect little relativities.

Walking moved
us: this fixed world revolves
by warring, burning, ailing, wailing
with suffer matter. People matter.
Forgetting our sophisticated philosophy, we cry
To the Sky
Where is Justice?!

But you decided
Justice is just a word,
and facts don’t really matter.

Promises

2011-09-12T22:05:00.002-04:00

     Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.
     Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received for the Lord's hand double for all her sins.
     He does not deal with us according to our sins.
But now in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
     He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters.
God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved- and raised us up with with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus.
     None who wait for You shall be put to shame.
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you with his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
     It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.
For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.
     Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
     Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you.
So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.
     In the world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
We are treated as imposters, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.
     Sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
     Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

....I need to remember His promises.

This semester

2011-09-09T01:25:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a poetry workshop with Carol Frost, hence more poems! Here's my first of the semester. Any thoughts/critiques would be immensely appreciated!

Form: Anglo-Saxon alliterative verse.

The Alliterative Madam

Today she didn’t, tomorrow she did
my mother, the mad woman
made many juxtapositions, remember?
Silver Head discerning said sensationalisms-
Much madness is!
Understood Madam?

"She had gone forth in her strength; she would come back in her weakness."

2011-08-27T22:37:00.001-04:00

I love Henry James' Portrait of a Lady, I just never thought I'd live it.

You know how it feels coming off a merry-go-round? Spin-spin-spin-spin-spin-spin STOP. Ok, you think you're oriented... step, fall. The spinning continues- only in your head. You balance again, take a tentative step in the forward direction- nope. Fall. turns out "forward" was actually "down."
Or
When you're tubing: the boat whips sharp at the precise wave, perfect contact, tube goes flying, you go flying- spin-spin-spin-spin-spin BAM water. You can't breathe- the wind knocked out of you? or is that water you're gasping? You reach your arm up... down?

That, or something like it, is where I'm at. Just when the spinning stops and I think I've got a grip on my direction, I fall flat.
Weakness. to the uttermost. "and I don't mean like a couple of tears and I'm blue. I'm talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon,
but I'm a better man for having gone through it." (the Avetts say it well.)
"If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." ~C.S. Lewis
The finality of "so be it" has always inspired me- such steadfast and noble words. But these words are also fatal. often painful. no way out.
Praying, "Lord, have Your way" is the same way. That's not at all a bad thing; God is not cruel. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9. His way is better, better period, and better for me. I know that. in my head.
But I don't feel it. I feel atrocious things. Fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, abandonment, abuse... all towards a God who is gracious, who doesn't deal with me as I deserve, who endured unfathomable sacrifice so that I may know Him. He will not abandon me. "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." ~John 14:18. What amazes me is He can handle my resentment. He's not offended by my anger. He's bigger than my fear.
"Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!" ~ Psalm 25:6-7

I don't recite these words because I feel them; I NEED them.

I needed to hear this last night, I hope it speaks to you as well...

Lost

2011-08-16T21:51:00.002-04:00

There was a girl who didn't know when to stop or
go,
and a girl who knew no rights or lefts
they drove together
not know
not go
with all that was left...

but is that right?

Sea Lessons: “He’s not safe, but He’s good.”

2011-08-09T21:17:00.000-04:00

I am weary of words and people,
Sick of the city, wanting the sea;
Wanting the sticky, salty sweetness
Of the strong wind and shattered spray;
Wanting the loud sound and the soft sound
Of the big surf that breaks all day.
…now I am caught beneath great buildings,
Stricken with noise, confused with light.
…I have a need to hold and handle
Shells and anchors and ships again!
…I am too long away from water.
I have a need of water near.

“Exiled” ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

God knows me well. Coming home from Ukraine, I needed the ocean something fierce! He speaks so clearly to me on the sea- or perhaps I just listen better. This time, He challenged my knowledge of Him. Like Abram with the stars (Gen. 15), He took me out on the Atlantic, shook me by the shoulders and said, “look.”
It started with post-mission trip depression. I didn’t want to read the Word, didn’t want to pray, didn’t want to serve, nothing. The sea showed me why relating to God is more difficult (for me) in the U.S. than in Ukraine. God is not safe. Obviously, I love the ocean, but I was reminded today that the ocean overpowers me. A bad storm, strong current, boat issues- so many things can go wrong, and quick. The ocean’s not tame. You need to maintain a healthy fear of it, because becoming comfortable can have deadly results.
It’s the same with God. In Erasing Hell, Francis Chan says, “I hate to sound as if I’m singling out the church in America, but it’s where I live. And I have seen enough of His church in other countries to know that not everyone lives like us. In fact, few do. We have become dangerously comfortable- believers ooze with wealth and let their addictions to comfort and security numb the radical urgency of the gospel.” This is so true! Comfort is our ultimate; we can’t stand any alternatives, even God, so we “change” Him to fit in our comfortable sphere. I am so guilty of this.
Though a simple read syntactically, the subject matter of Erasing Hell surfaced my deepest issues with God. I wanted Chan to explain God and why Hell exists in a way I could understand and fit into my view of justice. Ha. Instead, Chan points to scripture, reminding me that God is God, and I am not. He has the right to do whatever He wants. If I think God is unjust, then it’s my justice system that’s screwed up, not His. If I doubt God’s goodness, then it’s my understanding that’s at fault. This was hard for me to grasp, being someone who seeks understanding in everything and depends on her own reasoning. But oh, the freedom that lies in taking hold of this truth! As the ocean far out-powers me, so God does infinitely more. “Who are you, oh man, to answer back to God?” (Romans 9:20). He is the creator of justice, who am I to judge?
This may seem depressing and even scary; it did to me. I can’t argue with God because He’s in control, so I can only succumb and tremble. But the God of justice is also a good God! Rich in mercy, abundant in love! Riding at the bow of the boat after a day off-shore, I witnessed the most magnificent sunset I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying a lot). The vibrant, lush colors literally proclaimed the beauty and majesty of the Lord. How can I not rejoice that the God who reveals Himself in such a sight is also the God who wields power that controls the sea? No, He’s not safe, but He’s good.

Happy Birthday Dad!

2011-07-09T16:35:00.000-04:00

I'm amazed by all the cool things you've done, and I brag about them all the time! I love hearing your stories, especially the way you tell them, even if I've heard them a billion times before. I love the crazy, unrealistic things we talk about doing: skydiving, diving ship wrecks... I certainly inherited your love of nature, especially the ocean. I love waking up to loud worship music you play on Saturday mornings. I love the way you talk about the Old Testament: David, Abraham, and Elijah come to life. I love fishing with you, how excited you get even if we don't catch anything. I love quoting Master and Commander, Lord of the Rings, and the Incredibles with you. I love the integrity you have in your work, finances, and at church; I've watched you act in total honesty. I love your gentleness; You make me feel safe, (except for the times you jumped out of the closet with a lightsaber and Vader helmet while making Vader breathing noises, but that was ok ;).) I love talking about the places we hope to travel to one day. you've never betrayed my trust. You give me wise council. You encourage my strengths and inspire me to reach higher. I love how you sing Phantom of the Opera. I love it when you bring wildflowers home after working in the field. I love how you love the smell of plumerias, and when you make us lays. Most of all, I love YOU!! and I miss you so very much; I can't wait to see you again soon!

Fly

2011-07-07T16:41:00.000-04:00

Fly
Words and music by Michael Gungor

All this doubt
Trying to work it out
Could you lay it down
For now

It’s good to think
But it’s good to drink
From this living stream
So why

Why don’t you fly
Free your mind
To all this splendor
Why don’t you fly
To the arms
That save

You can come
While your heart feels numb
You could just lie down
And rest

Or lift your eyes
To the open sky
We could come alive
And fly

If I ever get a tattoo...

2011-05-30T01:32:00.000-04:00

it'll be an anchor with "ballast" written across the rope. Why? Because John Adams (one of the best men born to the USA, just sayin') once perfectly penned my entire being into one line: "Ballast is what I want; I totter with every breeze!"

I've been studying Psalms this past month, focusing on the attributes of God. You know one of my favorite things about God? His steadfastness. Over and over again, the psalmists proclaim the Lord's "faithfulness and steadfast love."

Psalm 103: 2-4
Bless the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy

I love that image! Jesus crowns us with His steadfast love and mercy! I love His steadfastness because it is so unlike me. I am ever-changing, He is everlasting! And He is even more steadfast than the word can convey. He alone can claim steadfastness because He is eternal. How can finite creatures understand the complete security and solidness of the Lord's love and mercy? How can I not give my trust over to Him completely in light of His certainty? The sure ans steadfast anchor for my soul! Thank you Jesus! And I need not feel guilt because He remembers that I am dust, utterly unstable, and what is His response? "But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him." Amen!

Packing, unpacking, and a forgotten suitcase

2011-05-20T00:31:00.000-04:00

I was in Ukraine, settling into my apartment in Kyiv which, oddly enough, had a closet loaded with summer dresses. Admiring the sundresses, I realized I didn't pack a dress for Jenya's wedding, come to think of it, I didn't pack... at all. No toothbrush?! No food?! I scrambled for a plan to wash my only clothes at night in the lake, but would they dry by morning? And then... I woke up. Thank God.

Yeah, I might just be a tad bit stressed about Ukraine. Shocking I know.

Let's just say leading drama has created some drama in my personal life. I've been crazy trying to get everything together, and so a few vital things were pushed to the back burner. like talking to God and reading His Word, you know, just those little things.

Bad idea.

A while back I blogged about letting go of things I grasp (Phil. 2). Well, letting go is kinda like unpacking a suitcase. Everything I thought I needed for the trip was actually weighing me down.

Well here's part two: God needs to pack the suitcase back up. You can't show up in a foreign country for two months with an empty suitcase! After Paul points out our need to let go of what we grasp just as Jesus did, he says in chapter four of Philippeans, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me —practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

He starts with the unpacking element- take anxiety out of the suitcase! But Paul doesn't stop there! We're to unpack to God, and He will pack our suitcase with peace! Still have room in the suitcase? Then fill it with true things, honorable things, just things, things that are pure and lovely, commendable, excellent, praise-worthy things!

I was "letting go" of my fear and anxiety, but without anything to replace them, they just kept jumping back in! Like the Puritans (and Ben Stuart) said, "how do you dislodge a "beautiful" thing from the human heart? Replace it with a more beautiful thing." Amen!

So I cast my cares on the Lord, and He corrects the issues of my heart, and insures the completion of His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Ben Stuart has an excellent podcast on this titled, Living in Peace, check it out!

[What helped me come to this revelation? Spending the morning with this...

]

Poetry Portfolio

2011-05-02T18:27:00.000-04:00

I've finished my poetry portfolio and in a few hours, I'll be finished with this semester hallelujah! I know I'm not quite publishing material, but I've found I'm just as passionate about writing poetry as I am about reading it. Maybe God has plans for that? I don't know, and in this moment, as I lounge on my favorite bench on campus, overlooking lake Virgina, I am completely content just to be in this very moment. Usually my ambition pulls my focus into the future, but right now, I'm overwhelmed by the richness of life God gives me, and whatever He has planned will be good, right, honorable, lovely, meaningful, and glorifying to His most worthy name!

Upon request, here's pieces from my final portfolio. (fyi. some of the typography is off due to blogger.)

The Rhyme Time

What pun it is to rhyme,
Spending time like
Tossed Dimes
flicker! flicker!

By association, straining
against and yet together creating,
elongating-
tension.

Cyrano Pinocchio

(The Oh! is cut short
by the
K
but can’t stop the lingering A)

Is that okay? To rhyme,
an incipient crime
of the peripatetic mind
Kuhwacked! into militant time.

A Poem of Pages
after Paige

because she wanted
to eat
The.
Damn.
Grits!
A vivacious vegetarian who would lay
down
her rights
for the not-cooked-in-a-kitchenette-but-a-palace
Ham
While singing EEEEEEE-eeeeeeee-
Eet
Eet
Eet
An ethereal melody
philosophy(?)

The key lime pie was inspiring [crying]
want
to eat your cooking
like milky blizzards and cake

-an-hour-before-

Through gritted teeth

“IVE EATEN

nothing.”

capital H

To Hell with you
H.
It's a capital place,
just past a ravine
like yours--
too wide to cross
unhelped

you know:
“hot as”
“mad as”
“raise some”
“of-a”
“what the”
“ya”
“no”

…that half-pace place
your hamartia.

Echo

I.

Woe
Those oh
who hear
Argot
of Empty Sphere
Here, we ashamed same
(Something is not same)

Something
is not
Same souls

The world cracked.
(hear?)

II.

Awake:
with a headached
Fear
of Terror Dreams
[and]
Standover Men
(with)
Wings

III.

Eternity
certainly
handles an Omniscient argot

Dust

I! irrevocably firm,
A leaded stone in that stale room

You walked by,
Disturbed
the air

Cause and effect-

My firmnity swelled:
Doomed.

The Starling

escaped
from my Pulsing Organ
on a reckless sigh

battered through roped reds and blues,
turning my inner set awry
[from circulatory to respiratory]

Not blood, but blue-fresh air it spied!
It shouldered through my hollow throat
and burst towards…

but I

swallowed
hard-
stilling starling
‘til
locked carefully back,

beating again.

My view :)

favorites

2011-04-25T17:08:00.000-04:00

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

2011-04-19T00:57:00.000-04:00

"Oh the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor? Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:33-36

How incredible is God! Basking in the fullness of a dusky-gold moon last night, I tried to fathom its size and distance. How terrifying it is to look into the eternal sky and try to grasp the billions of stars in our galaxy, and the billions more housed by billions of other galaxies! We'll never see more than the tiniest fraction of them. Yet God has given each one a name.

"Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing." Isaiah 40:26

Louie Giglio talks about this in his devotional, Wired: "We know God is infinitely awesome... Infinite means having no limits. Never running out. Having no end. Existing forever. Unbound. Timeless. Stuff we can't fully comprehend. God has never been tired. Never slept. Never aged. Never upgraded. He's self-sufficient. Self-contained. God doesn't need anything... God is pure. Radiant. Without blemish or stain. He is untainted goodness. Without fault or blame. Perfection personified."

As I read this yesterday, I was duly overwhelmed by my finiteness, my insufficiency compared to this awesome God whom I cannot even fully comprehend. I am nothing like Him, how can I dare to know Him? But then this thought came to me, I am made in the image of God. Wow. It's like a child who, after years and years of separation, meets his birth parents for the first time. Certain gestures, facial expressions, a laugh, these things are familiar to the son and he realizes that he came from these people. He recognizes himself in them. These people explain his existence.... that's how I think it is when I see God. The what and why and how of myself are answered in Him. I recognize Him.

Not to say that I am anywhere near to being the same as God, I am only made in His IMAGE. But it is HIS image... and that is mind-blowingly beautiful. God made me in His image, nothing could be more intimate, or more wonderful.

A Confession

2011-04-12T01:23:00.000-04:00

Rough day. My heart is heavy and my mind worn down. I need to release some creative and comical expression, and so, my confession: Since I can remember, I've desperately wanted to be a whale, for a day.
No seriously, This is legit; I've put much thought into it. My jealously of whale life is immense.

I'd kill to be an orca, the hottest whale in the sea. I mean, look at this baby jump! And just for the fun of it. They're not all fun and games however, you're looking at a seriously violence-prone animal (what!? Shamu? Willy?). Um, Killer whale for a reason kids.

Say hello to Moby. Sperm whales rock a flippin 20 pound brain (thus why Ahab couldn't out-smart em!), the largest brain of any animal. ever. but don't tease them, they're sensitive, emotional souls (I'm not making this up).

Blue whales are the largest animals on God's green (and blue) earth. Try 108ft on for size. I'd flip to be one of these giant Lone Rangers for a day!

Just. look. at. this. dude.... I love him. Bowhead whales sing continually, and live up to 200 years. no joke. It's a good thing too, because these fantastical creatures are endangered thanks to idiots who think they make good mounts.

What is there to say? Who WOULDN'T want to be a narwhal?!?!?

And yet, (call me sentimental), I want to spend a day as a humpback whale most of all. These softies have a 300 pound, 4 chamber heart and a massive tail and fins (the better to flop about above water, my dear!) The loudest singer and most agile acrobat, the humpback wins.

Exposed

2011-04-03T00:24:00.000-04:00

The climax occurred yesterday while I felt like shit. Literally. I frequently experience funks, and am learning how to deal with them, but this one destroyed me. What made me so miserable? A tiny instance I blew WAY out of proportion, but it caused me to seek out the real issue beneath the circumstance. I found what I "grasp."
Let's back up. Philippians 2 has always been one of my favorite passages of the Bible, (is it okay to have favorites in God's Word?) but reading it a few weeks ago slammed me with a deeper revelation.

Philippians
2:1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, [1] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, [2] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

You can glean so much from this passage, but what struck me this time was the word grasped. Jesus did not count equality with God as something to be grasped. I had always thought "grasp" in this context meant "reach for," that Jesus did not consider equality with God as something to reach for, because it cannot be obtained, and he was already "in the form of God" and so was already equal with God, so he didn't have to prove his equality by grasping it.
Although this is true, a word study revealed the word "grasp" in this context actually means "hold on." Jesus did not consider equality with God as something to hold on to. He let it go. Not meaning he lost his equality with God, but he forsook the rights of equality, something he already firmly held, for no other reason than to obey the Father and to save our souls.
For me, that's a world of difference. Jesus let go. Jesus let go. What was rightfully his, he let go... wow. How humbling. Hallelujah.
Then I asked myself, what am I grasping? If Jesus let go of what was rightfully his, who am I to hold on to anything? Especially considering I deserve nothing?
We come back to my feeling like shit yesterday. While tormenting myself over the tiny circumstance, I asked myself a question a dear friend often asks: can't you just let it go? It clicked. I wasn't letting this thing go, which means I was holding on to it, I was grasping it.
At the root of the tiny circumstance was this: I have set what those I love think of me as the bottom of my joy. I obsess with being in good standing with my friends and family. Is it good to have healthy relationships? Yes! To have them as the ultimate value in my life? No! It's lead me to care more about my appearance rather than my integrity.
And integrity is vital. Something else God is teaching me.

1 John 1
5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Light is truth (Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." -John 3:20-21), and so walking in the light is walking in the truth. Honest living, something I don't do. Walking in honesty means being vulnerable (a word my flesh detests most of all!), confessing our sin. Being vulnerable with people gains their trust and brings us into deeper fellowship with them. Not that we should tell each other every sin we've ever committed, but we should be characterized by honesty. Being honest about our sin also allows the blood of Jesus to cleanse our sin. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. This call to walk in the light does not mean to walk in perfection. For us, perfection is impossible; we can only pretend, and if we do that, then we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
This was HUGE for me. Walk in honesty, humility, vulnerability, and HE will make me clean by His abundant grace. I am not called to walk in righteousness on my own, then I only become a liar!

Please pray God continues to work this out in me. I want to walk exposed to the light, but I've still got a long way to get to freedom in this. Pray especially for me while I'm in Ukraine; I will not be a good leader if I can't serve others rather than use them to wrongly meet my needs, and I will never gain their trust unless I am vulnerable (and if you know me at all, vulnerable and I can only mix by a miracle of God!).

Necklaces for Ukraine!

2011-03-31T13:29:00.001-04:00

I'm making crochet necklaces to raise support for my internship in Ukraine this summer. Check them out!

Either copy and paste the link below or click on the title of this post.

http://abicrochets.blogspot.com/

Tension

2011-03-27T00:45:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting with classmates and our prof around the oak Round Table, waiting for a prompt. "Sum up your life in one word, the first that comes to your mind." First there's the panic of being put on the spot, then a word comes. "What word did you write?" the prof asks.
"Freedom."
"Love."
"Happiness."
"Improvement."
"Unique."
"Love."
"Adventure."
Then my turn; "tension." What? Why tension? It didn't make much sense at the time, so I dismissed it as a stupid attempt at being different. But now I think I was on to something.

A few days ago, the Witty Rat and I were having one of those random conversations of brilliance that thrill me to no end. (I gotta say, my buddy Jack nailed it: "Those are the golden sessions... when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk.") We talked about the tensions in our lives, and in our relationship with Jesus. As humans, we tend to sway from one extreme to another, but so often the Word calls us to a balance: God's sovereignty AND our responsibility, truth AND love, justice AND mercy, for example. Balance requires incredible energy (trust us, we're dancers); its not simply staying still. You have to fight hard to hold position in the middle ground.

(It's not that these things actually oppose each other; if one truly embraces justice, he or she will also have to embrace mercy. In our limited understandings however, these things often just look like opposing forces.)

But why the tension?(Now I'm not talking about the tension between good and evil or right and wrong, that's a whole different discussion; I'm talking about the balance between two truths.) Why can't we just pick one and be done? Well, I think it's because God has set eternity in our hearts. He created us for eternal relationship with Him, wouldn't it only make sense that we can't ever be done with what is meant to last forever? We can never learn enough about Him. The depth of our relationship with Him is bottomless. We can't become good enough or content with Him enough.

So let's not become lazy. Tension forces us into constant action, and that's how our relationship with Christ should be, active.

I hope this makes sense, I had a hard time trying to express it.

Inlustrat

2011-03-25T16:02:00.001-04:00

"On the glorious splendor of Your majesty,
and on Your wonderous works, I will meditate.
They shall speak of the might of Your awesome deeds,
and I will declare Your greatness.
They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness
and shall sing aloud of Your righteousness." ~Psalm 145:5-7

"The steadfast love of The Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul,
'therefore I will hope in Him.'
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of The Lord." ~ Lamentations 3:22-26

"If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there Your hand shall lead me,
and Your right hand shall hold me." ~ Psalm 139:9-10

The Starling

2011-03-18T12:14:00.000-04:00

I wrote this poem years ago, and my buddy Aaron turned it into a stunning song- check it out! He's sick-nasty talented.

http://www.myspace.com/eloffox/music/songs/the-starling-mp3-80423095

The Starling (Original poem)

A starling, in my heart confined,
Escaped upon a sudden sigh
That I relinquished recklessly.

It battered through my chest, the sky
It sought, it fought, it longed to find.
It turned my inner set awry.

From out my hollow throat coldly
Blew fresh, free air the bird did spy
And burst towards where that bright blue shined.

I swallowed hard, I held my breath
‘Til starling was as still as death
Locked carefully back inside my breast.

"To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak."

2011-03-18T00:49:00.000-04:00

"You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive. It is not for unsteady souls."
-Merce Cunningham

I miss dance. Today in Jazz my professor, during a turn exercise, tried to explain that moment when a dancer nails it- A quad pirouette, a switch leap, a arabesque en pointe. That moment after practice after practice after practice when the stars align and you execute perfection. "And it's always effortless," the last word as a sigh: EF-fort-leSS. In that last word she nailed it. I know that moment. Now I won't lie to myself, I've never danced better than mediocre; EF-fort-leSS for me was landing a double or grande jete. But I know the feeling. It's literally an AWEsome moment.

That's something I loved about dance. Those moments were rare and so made dancing a risk. You don't know if you're going to nail it. Even after practicing a hundred times, each new time is a new risk.

Risk and defiance. Defiance of gravity, defiance of momentum, defiance of limitations, defiance of the body... but with grace, so naturally performed.

Once a dance instructor told me, "a dancer rages with ferocity within, but with such control so as outwardly she is the queen of serenity." I love that. I miss that. The control and the awareness. Knowing your muscles, the blood flow, the pressure of breath within your lungs.

In a dancer, there is a reverence for such forgotten things as the miracle of the small beautiful bones and their delicate strength. ~Martha Graham

And I miss the rawness. Though I admit to bias, I truly believe dance is the purest art form; there exists no medium between you and your art. You are your art.

Dance is the only art of which we ourselves are the stuff of which it is made. ~Ted Shawn

A Clean Heart

2011-03-05T11:20:00.000-05:00

“Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.”

Must the vision cost so much? Isn’t the heart pure enough that has no more than the usual measure of slyness, conscious covetousness or prurience? Wasn’t it sufficient that I honestly desired to love God and do what He wanted?

I have never forgotten the morning when the dean of students, Dr. Charles Brookes, closed his chapel message with the words of an old gospel song. I can still see his humble demeanor, hear his quiet voice:

One thing I of the Lord desire, for all my life hath miry been—
Be it by water or by fire, Oh, make me clean, Oh, make me clean!
So wash me now, without, within, or purge with fire, if that must be,
No matter how, of only sin die out in me, die out in me.

~Excerpt from Elizabeth Elliot’s Passion and Purity

My Life

2011-02-23T22:37:00.004-05:00

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I live a small life, well, valuable, but small, and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I do reminds me of something I read in a book once, when, shouldn't it be the other way around?" -You've Got Mail

God has literally flooded me with revelations this year and I'm not sure how to take hold of them all, or how to express them. I want to know how to apply them.

The loss of Grant and Michael made me pause and look hard at my life. Youth is no excuse to ignore mortality. We don't know the measure of time granted us. Am I living in God's purpose? Am I walking, every moment, after Jesus? Does my life make sense in light of the gospel? C.S. Lewis said "you never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you." In a way, God's bringing me to that place, revealing the authenticity of my faith. "God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down" (another great illustration from Jack). Does my life make sense in light of the gospel? No. Not often. But this is my heart cry- "I want to know Christ- yes, to know the power of his resurrection, to share in his sufferings, and become like him in his death, that I might attain the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained this, or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining towards what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus... Only let us hold true to what we have obtained." ~Phil 3:10-16 This is my mantra.

Aside from this, God has also been speaking something very new to me. My whole life, in one sense, consisted of "saying no," of resisting and refraining and waiting. But now, it's as if God wants me to say yes- and the word is almost foreign to me!

"To be perfectly frank, I'm getting exasperated with your infantile thinking. How long before you grow up and use your head- your adult head? It's all right to have a childlike unfamiliarity with evil; a simple no is all that's needed there. But there's far more to saying yes to something." ~I Cor. 14:20-22.

I know I'm kind of taking this verse out of context, but that "there's far more to saying yes to something" really struck me. Saying yes comes with a whole lot more than saying no.

I have become comfortable, and He's pulling me out of that. He's teaching me to walk.

Echo Language

2011-02-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

eternity
certainly
handles an
Omniscient argot

To a Kid Who Speaks Fluent Coolness

2011-02-09T15:41:00.001-05:00

Whale, David Andrew Mills is pretty swell. If I was as swell as he then I would now burst into brilliant song about his swellness, but that's the wonderful thing about DayDays, there's only one. ;)
And today he turns 16! Dude, this calls for a paper bag. If David's adorableness didn't interfere, Lizzy and I would kill him with jealousy for stealing all the best features of our parents, but he appeases us with "you're so pretty"s. It's just not fair. He swindled all the good-looking genes.
David, you're legit. It takes serious courage for a 16yr-old to live honestly, refusing to pretend whatever society requires for acceptance.
You get me; we think so much alike! Those, "wait, you too!?" moments are awesome.
Your knowledge of Jane Austen is impressive, most impressive.
You are quite quotable: "Let's make like the Beatles and walk in a line!"
You write brilliantly. So much for my $40,000 Rollins education.
Our balloon, blowing, and ice cube fights are legendary, just sayin'.
As is our late night cookie baking and song writing.
Back to stealing genes, you have all the hand-eye coordination. I gave up my portion for you. When you play pro ball, remember me.
You're a leader of men, and know when to put them in their place!
You're also my King Arthur (and Starbucks) buddy.
And I don't know where your mad piano skills came from but they're sick awesome and I'm jealous.

Anyway, all that to say, even though you forget when I'm picking you up from school and make me search for you, AND make me give you ICE cold water, AND make me work in the dark when I'm doing homework late, I still kinda love you ;).

Happy Birthday!!

Poetry Workshop: Ghazal

2011-02-09T12:25:00.000-05:00

Ghazal: An Indian poetry form consisting of five or more couplets.
The second line of each couplet in a ghazal ends with the repetition of a refrain of one or a few words, preceded by a rhyme known as the qaafiyaa. In the first couplet, both lines end in the rhyme and refrain so that the ghazal's rhyme scheme is AA BA CA etc. Enjambment across lines or between couplets is not permitted in a strict ghazal; each couplet must be a complete sentence (or several sentences) in itself.

Ghazal: Guzzling Fame

120 million YouTube videos uploaded everything born on camera.
Icons were made- The Star Wars Kid, “That really hurt Charlie!” the Unicorn- on camera.

Yax’s blood flowed the wrong way for saving an assaulted woman.
No one helped. At least someone’s cell caught him, blade-torn, on camera.

We, Facebook famous, paste our life documentaries online.
If all are famous, no one is. We’re reduced to porn on camera.

Walk with caution, and flick your head back a few times.
Lenses cut edges which either adorn, or scorn on camera.

Guzzling fame, we only burn gaping holes in our stomachs.
Chimera guzzles the hungry, and we must morn on camera.

Sea Fever

2011-02-03T22:39:00.000-05:00

A thousand miles beyond this sun-steeped wall
Somewhere the waves creep cool along the sand,
The ebbing tide forsakes the listless land
With the old murmur, long and musical;
The windy waves mount up and curve and fall,
And round the rocks the foam blows up like snow,--
Tho' I am inland far, I hear and know,
For I was born the sea's eternal thrall.
I would that I were there and over me
The cold insistence of the tide would roll,
Quenching this burning thing men call the soul,--
Then with the ebbing I should drift and be
Less than the smallest shell along the shoal,
Less than the sea-gulls calling to the sea.
~~Sea Longing
Sara Teasdale

Sea feaver caused Dams and I to hit up the East coast and catch the sunrise (just what my soul needed), made Isaiah 60 strike in a much deeper way.

Isaiah 60
The Future Glory of Israel
1 Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
2For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and His glory will be seen upon you.
3And nations shall come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your rising.
4Lift up your eyes all around, and see;
they all gather together, they come to you;
your sons shall come from afar,
and your daughters shall be carried on the hip.
5Then you shall see and be radiant;
your heart shall thrill and exult,
because the abundance of the sea shall be turned to you,
the wealth of the nations shall come to you.
6A multitude of camels shall cover you,
the young camels of Midian and Ephah;
all those from Sheba shall come.
They shall bring gold and frankincense,
and shall bring good news, the praises of the Lord.
7All the flocks of Kedar shall be gathered to you;
the rams of Nebaioth shall minister to you;
they shall come up with acceptance on my altar,
and I will beautify my beautiful house.
8Who are these that fly like a cloud,
and like doves to their windows?
9For the coastlands shall hope for me,
the ships of Tarshish first,
to bring your children from afar,
their silver and gold with them,
for the name of the Lord your God,
and for the Holy One of Israel,
because he has made you beautiful.
10 Foreigners shall build up your walls,
and their kings shall minister to you;
for in my wrath I struck you,
but in my favor I have had mercy on you.
11Your gates shall be open continually;
day and night they shall not be shut,
that people may bring to you the wealth of the nations,
with their kings led in procession.
12For the nation and kingdom
that will not serve you shall perish;
those nations shall be utterly laid waste.
13The glory of Lebanon shall come to you,
the cypress, the plane, and the pine,
to beautify the place of my sanctuary,
and I will make the place of my feet glorious.
14The sons of those who afflicted you
shall come bending low to you,
and all who despised you
shall bow down at your feet;
they shall call you the City of the Lord,
the Zion of the Holy One of Israel.
15Whereas you have been forsaken and hated,
with no one passing through,
I will make you majestic forever,
a joy from age to age.
16 You shall suck the milk of nations;
you shall nurse at the breast of kings;
and you shall know that I, the Lord, am your Savior
and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.
17Instead of bronze I will bring gold,
and instead of iron I will bring silver;
instead of wood, bronze,
instead of stones, iron.
I will make your overseers peace
and your taskmasters righteousness.
18 Violence shall no more be heard in your land,
devastation or destruction within your borders;
you shall call your walls Salvation,
and your gates Praise.
19 The sun shall be no more
your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon
give you light;
but the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
20Your sun shall no more go down,
nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your days of mourning shall be ended.
21Your people shall all be righteous;
they shall possess the land forever,
the branch of my planting, the work of my hands,
that I might be glorified.
22The least one shall become a clan,
and the smallest one a mighty nation;
I am the Lord;
in its time I will hasten it.

"So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, He guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul..." ~Hebrews 6:17-19

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the grains of the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
~Psalm 139:17-18

Jeremiah 5:22
22 Do you not fear me? declares the Lord.
Do you not tremble before me?
I placed the sand as the boundary for the sea,
a perpetual barrier that it cannot pass;
though the waves toss, they cannot prevail;
though they roar, they cannot pass over it.

And just for fun...

Fredrick the Pretentious Seagull!

"A bosom friend-an intimate friend, you know-a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul. I've dreamed of meeting her all my life."

2011-01-29T23:47:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday my dear "Diana!"

Here's to the past ten years...

"Wesley, we're so old!!! What are we going to do!" "Get older?" * Abby's evil plot: wear a hair scrunchie that's not a scrunchie but cut tights * I'm a swan and you're a Canadian goose * Evergreen * I ate too many cherries * Got razor? * 'Cannot Display Page': the story of my life * EVERY HAIR ON MY BODY * We have fun without the fun... with the fun! * She's married and she's climbing trees! * Down to earth not down to dirt * I feel unusual and unsettled * And after we are martyred we shall become Saint Abby and Saint Wesley * And the lights aren’t even out yet! * Bubble bath = Diana getting drunk * What are words when we can have unawkward silences?! * I’m not kidding, get paper! * Our conversations are more awkward than our silences. But our awkward conversations aren't awkward at all! * You’re my freak so it's ok * It does have an appealing aspect * I'd be a lot more submissive if I could slay dragons. * American Restoration: it's time for change! it will happen! youtube here we come…or maybe we should just become “teachers” * Because of course my dear, the Chinese only negotiate on horseback on the moon. * The “ah, ah, ah!” revelation that is the green tea frap! After a venti, we’ll be able to use to force! * MOOWAHH! * She’s married and she’s climbing trees! * Chinese food * Belting Phantom * Yawns: prehistoric man call for bed time * Certain types of coral * You might turn a gay guy straight, but you can’t turn a straight girl gay * Paaaaaast the point of feeeeling bad! * Lama coma coma! * The mirror is smooth! * Snow fairies…the queen of the snow fairies…dirty paper snow fairies… * “Do you have pixie dust in your hair?”…”Do you have pixie dust in your brain?” * I taped the wrong toe!!!!!! * We are NOT putting that in our dance * Thumb tacks * You complete me * Male tendencies * Abducted ice cream * THIS IS A WHALE! [smack] A WHAT? * Doughnuts and coffee at midnight * apple and cheese omelettes with mac and cheese * Have you seen this one? It’s my favorite. I love the part when she finds the prince and lives happily ever after, I cry every time * It was written by a woman! * Peanut butter and jelly * Makeshift costume * Let me explain through interpretive dance: “My cell phone rang”… “I had to bring food for the class”… “and I had to go pee” * It’s sittin’ heavy on my stomach * Who makes this stuff?! * I’m sending you a death ray * Heel stretch * Unhealthy dose of cheese * French laugh * I bite my chip at you * Random bleeding * Meat and cake * I stepped in a puddle of ew * There's a shoe... and my foot's in it * Men=tall * This would be so romantic if you were a man * [Dramatic pause of anticipation] ...this cottage! * The world is dark, and peaceful, and smells slightly of produce * But you said Willie-Nate! * Have a pillow * Shall we indulge? * It's ingrained in our...NO! * Ice Queen * You're a goddess * Getting corky * Voodoo Valentines bear *abandon move* CONsume us! * Left-handed comrades. (^^^)

Walk

2011-01-26T00:02:00.000-05:00

Walk
Hebrew- yalak: follow, cause, go, grow, make, march, prosper, spread.
Greek- peripateo: to live, deport oneself, follow, go, be occupied with.
[Strong's Concordance]

Walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory. Walk humbly with your God. Walk carefully in wisdom. Walk in wisdom towards outsiders. Walk properly. Walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. Walk according to His commandments. Walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Walk in newness of life. Walk by faith, not by sight. Walk in Jesus Christ as you have received Him. Walk in love as Christ loved us. Walk in the same way in which He walked. Walk in the light as He is in the light. Walk as children of the light. Walk while you have the light, least darkness overtake you. Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.

References:
Deut. 10:16
Micah 6:8
Col. 1:10
Col. 2:6
Col. 4:5
John 12:35
Romans 6:4
Romans 8:4
Romans 13:13
Eph. 4:1
Eph. 5:2
Eph. 5:8
Eph. 5:151
Thes. 2:12
2 Cor. 5:7
1 John 1:7
1 John 2:6
2 John 6
Gal. 5:16

Lost Ones

2011-01-22T22:01:00.000-05:00

My heart aches for friends and family members who don't know Jesus.

I'm reminded of this beautiful song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRCCrQZbpdk

"Song For My Family"
Words and music by Michael Gungor

This is a song for my family
Outside the walls of Sunday
Morning from some within.
This is a song to confess our sins,
Lay it all out, and try to begin again.
To hope again.

Please forgive our ignorance
In looking down on you
Please forgive our selfishness
For hiding in our pews while the world bleeds
While the world needs us to be what we should be

This is a song for my family who
Just can’t believe in the Jesus that you’ve seen on Sunday morning.

This is a song for the cynical saints.
The burned out and hopeless.
The ones that we’ve cast away.
I feel your pain.

Please forgive the wastefulness of all that we could be
But don’t forget, there’s more than this
Her beauty still exists
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive
His bride is still alive

This is a song for my family inside
The walls of Sunday morning.
Be what you should be.

© 2007 worshiptogether.com songs/ASCAP. Admin by EMI CMG Publishing.

And this is a poem I wrote years ago for a struggling friend...

Green eyes sink into the deep,
Sea monsters in them make me weep.
I still remember when green eyes were blue,
Before the gruesome sea seeped through,
and tainted their hue.

Poetry Workshop

2011-01-19T18:03:00.000-05:00

I went to my poetry workshop class for the first time tonight, and LOVE it!

We had to write a Shakespearian sonnet (14 lines of iambic pentameter). Though I've read all of Shakespeare's sonnets, I had never written one, which proved much harder than I anticipated!

So here's my first exercise...

Conversation

It all begins with some form of address
And words that evoke more, but in response,
Building a steady rhythm to express,
Confess, profess, or stress some nonchalance.

Some understanding, wit, or empathy
Will add greatly, but don’t expect so much.
These things are rare, no matter how healthy.
The common content is weather and such.

Superfluous as it all sounds, the sound
Is the whole point, found in the rhythmic noise
Of “blah de blah” (need I further expound?)
I’m sorry if my point only annoys.

So ends my lecture on conversation,
Which only requires noise/vibration.

[disclaimer, my focus was totally on form, not content, which I admit is miserable]

Beautiful Things

2011-01-15T21:02:00.000-05:00

New blog title!

The inspiration for it came through various things God has recently revealed to me, especially through Gabe Lyons’ (seriously, this dude has a hardcore name) book, The Next Christians,

which exposes a new movement of Christians who desire to be a force for restoration as they proclaim the Gospel. Here’s a sample of some of my favorite quotes:

“The Next Christians don’t separate from the world or blend in; rather, they thoughtfully engage.”

“They believe that Christ’s death and Resurrection were not only meant to save people from something. He wanted to save people to something. God longs to restore His image in them, and let them loose, freeing them to pursue His original dreams for the entire world. Here, now, today, tomorrow. They no longer feel bound to wait for heaven or spend all of their time telling people what they should believe. Instead, they are participating with God in His restoration project for the whole world.”

“They are-
Provoked, not offended
Creators, not critics
Called, not employed
Grounded, not distracted
In community, not alone
Countercultural, not ‘relevant’”

Let’s just say I am incredibly inspired/convicted! I want to be a restorer. To create beautiful things. So often I limit myself because I don’t see beyond my own abilities, but I forget “the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us!” (2nd Cor. 4:7) I’ve been really depressed this week because I’m not engaging at school. Granted, I’m an introvert, and Rollins is notoriously anti-Christian, but I know God wants me to represent Him there. And yet, I choose comfort over courage, every time.

Driving home from class Thursday night, I listened to a podcast by Ben Stuart- exactly what I needed! Ben reminded me that “what is begun in the Spirit cannot be worked out in the flesh.” It is only through Christ’s power and grace that I will ever restore anything! Augustine prayed, “Lord, command me, then give me what You command.” God commands me to be faithful, then He graces me with faithfulness. God commands me to love His people, then He pours His love for others into me.

Back up scripture!

“For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.” ~1st Cor. 1:26-29
“…whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies- in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.” ~1st Peter 4:11

Peaches

2011-01-08T23:59:00.000-05:00

I don't know how it started or why. But when Popa called me "Peaches" as a child, I answered and never gave it a second thought. It's still the name with which I sign his birthday cards.

Ukrainians like to say that they are like coconuts, hard on the outside, unfriendly, but once you crack them open they become sweet and milky, pure, open. In reverse, they say Americans are like peaches, soft and gooey on the outside, kind, but with insides incased in a hard shell, impenetrable.

These two stories didn’t connect until I went to Passion 2011. I am a peach (no pun intended ;)), seemingly sweet and open but firmly resistant to personal relationship. I can’t explain why, I have no damaging past experience to blame, just my pride. I’m “the kind of person everyone speaks well of but no one remembers to talk to.” Why? Because pride scorns vulnerability. The plain truth is I cared more about the person I presented than being personable and allowed pride to suffocate my life. C.S. Lewis describes it beautifully in The Four Loves:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be
wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

This carried into my relationship with Jesus. I’ve always had a hard time with Jesus. God as Lord and Father never bothered me; I was safe and comfortable with Him under those names, but Jesus wanted to get too close for comfort. In my sinful foolishness I thought if Jesus discovered just how wretched I am then he would discard me. Jesus died for my sin, so aren’t I a burden to him? Even if he did love me, it must be due to his obligation to goodness and not real love. Clearly I refused to know the truly overwhelming love of Christ! His love for me is not related to my merit or even my love for him. “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). At Passion, Jesus reminded me that his love for me has nothing to do with the broken human emotion I called love. Again, Lewis puts it beautifully,
God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing- or should we say ‘seeing’? there are no tenses in God- the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven into the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath’s sake, hitched up.

Why? Because loving and perfecting us glorifies the Father. Jesus didn’t die because we were worth it, he died because He was worth it, and that includes loving us in ways we cannot fathom.

Dust

2011-01-07T02:22:00.000-05:00

(A new poem, draft 1)

How irrevocably firm was I!
A steady stone in that stale room.

You stirred the air while walking by,

Cause and effect-

My fragile firm swelled, and was doomed.

Remember. Follow. Joy.

2011-01-07T00:36:00.000-05:00

I love this song! Gungor stunningly blew music out of the water at Passion 2011.

Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ. ~Phil. 1:27

Passion 2011: no better way to start a new year, hands down! I could spend the remainder of my life explaining all that God spoke to me, (in fact I hope to!) but I especially want to share how God used three powerful words.

Remember: (transitive verb [which requires an object that receives the action of the verb])
to have a renewed apprehension of; to bring to mind again; to be continually aware or thoughtful of; to preserve fresh in the memory; to attend to.

God urged me over and over, through the scriptures shared by the speakers and worship leaders, to remember His goodness, to renew my mind in His attributes. Paul faithfully walked in remembrance and urges us to “Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David…” Jesus asked us eat his represented broken body and blood in remembrance of Him. David proclaimed, “I will remember the deeds of the Lord ; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.” The scriptures that reference remembering the character, attributes, and deeds of God are overwhelming.
Beth Moore spoke, focusing on the renewing of our minds. The mind is not simply instinct, it is knowing what we are doing and why. Remembrance is an active verb performed by the mind! We must actively pursue God’s words and by remembering them, renew our minds which, as Ben Stuart beautifully illustrated, stir our affections and motivate our will. There were things I had forgotten, things Christ calls me to remember. {f.y.i. I’m feeling a poem involving remembrance, communion, the thief on the cross… hmm, creative wheels are turning!}

Follow: (transitive verb [this thrills me because transitive verbs require a direct object and that direct object in this case is Christ! Oh the wonders of language!] )
to go or come after; to move behind in the same path or direction; hence, to go with; to accompany; to attend; to keep the eyes fixed upon while in motion; to keep the mind upon while in progress.

“…they left everything and followed Him” (Luke 5:11). During a worship session lead by David Crowder, I was singing the words “I will follow You,” and suddenly saw grass, trees, rivers, rocks, all swirling miles and miles and miles below me. I grasped at the air behind me but had nothing to hold on to. My heart rose and sank like the moment before a rollercoaster drops. Panic! Then a voice, “you said you wanted to follow me, I’m out here,” in the open air, thrilling and terrifying. David Platt explained it so well, “Follow is a far different word than believe, confess, proclaim, or accept.” I realized that following Jesus means following Jesus, no modifiers attached! “Jesus is not a means to an end, He is the end!” –David Platt. I shouldn’t follow Jesus for peace, health, happiness, etc, I should follow Jesus for Jesus. I loved how Francis Chan put it, “Jesus requires you to drop all things and follow Him, but He is worth it; He is so worth it.” Simply in Himself, Jesus is worth everything.

Joy: (either a noun [God!] or a transitive verb [action with God as the object!] )
a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated; an outward show of pleasure or delight; rejoicing; happiness; blessing.

Here’s the ringer. Before Passion, conviction set in as I realized my circumstances dictate my joy. Like love, joy is not simply an emotion, it is an active state of being. Joy is produced in our lives by the Spirit. -But I wasn’t living that out.
John Piper (unintentionally) made me feel unsaved when he asked, “what is the bottom (root, gut, center) of your joy? Self? Or Christ?” You don’t have to guess my answer. So often my self wins out over Jesus. But, “self can never satisfy a heart that was made for God” – John Piper. How intrinsically true! “To get life, we must run to the author of life” –Ben Stuart. I cannot be joy. I am not something to rejoice over (outside of God’s love and mercy). Christ is all. He is all, the source of joy, joy itself. He produces joy, He is worthy of rejoicing. And yet how often I forget! How often I replace God with self! Thank God for the Puritans- “How do you dislodge a beautiful thing from the human heart? Replace it with a more beautiful thing.” Amen. As I remember Christ and follow Him, He becomes my joy.

This is only a taste of what God taught me at Passion. It overwhelms me at times and I regret how far I am from the image of Christ. But I take comfort in Paul’s words: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own... Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” ~ Phil. 3:12, 16

If I could rewrite my life….

2010-06-20T16:48:00.000-04:00

I would double major in marine biology and oceanography, with a minor in child psychology, interning at KML (Keys Marine Lab). Eventually, I would establish a branch of KML that helps abused kids find healing through preserving and protecting the ocean.
I’d live in a 1 room house decorated with things from the sea. I’d ride my jet ski to work and have a sailboat named The Zephyr for deep sea trips. Jack, a rescued sea hawk, would be my constant companion. He would roam the ocean sky and dive for fish as I worked with whales, dolphins, and other large sea creatures. Around the island (either Big Pine or Marathon), I’d ride my bike, but have an old ford to tote large equipment and go on road trips.
I’d tattoo the front of my shoulder with an old anchor in blue ink with the word “ballast” written across it, and never cut my hair.
On weekends I’d dive local wrecks and write kids adventure novels.
I’d never get married, God and the ocean would be enough.

"I do understand, I know now..."

2009-05-31T20:35:00.000-04:00

Today I understood.
I have spent all of my spiritual life in this church and after all the struggles it has gone through, and I have gone through in it, many hurts and questions have built up. Especially these last three years. I felt abandoned, unprotected. Again and again, God did not answer my prayers. Again and again, my needs were not met. I felt that God had let me down. I was angry and confused, but at the time I didn't know just how much it had affected me. I had become bitter, all the while believing I wasn't letting it affect me, I thought I was just "tired"...
Today was our last Sunday in this building, and I finally understood.
It's not about the church.
God was showing me through it all that it's about Him. Of course I "knew" that all along, but today I saw it. He stripped everything away so I would depend only on Him. It's not about music, a building, certain leaders, certain people, experiences, numbers, happiness...just Him.
It's so easy to get caught up in routine, but He saved me from that.
The pain was exposed, it was explained, and I not only understood why, I was thankful.
For the first time in my life, I thanked Him for it, when just the day before I was still aching with the scream of why.
How overwhelming is the love of Christ!
The healer of wounds.
The passionate lover.
The protective Father.

"no more despair"

2009-03-01T13:57:00.000-05:00

SO.
I've been rather loathe to write this the past few days, because I don't "feel" it.
I have since decided that the best time to blog this was when I didn't feel it. Perhaps the writing of it will bring me back to where I was when these thoughts first occurred to me; a realigning if you will...always a good thing.
Thus:
I believe God is bringing me into a Spring. I have known for a while I've been in a Autumn/Winterish season spiritually for some time, but about a month ago, as I began to see a Spring break forth, I realized just how deep into Winter I had gone.

Here I confess to be an extreme nerd, but, only two people read this thing anyway, and they already know this of me, so it's all good...
back to the point, I often connect my life with the character of Eowyn. I'm odd, I know. As God has been bringing Spring, this section from Return of the King keeps popping into me head,

"As he looked at her it seemed to him that something in her softened, as though a bitter frost were yielding at the first faint presage of Spring...
Then the heart of Eowyn changed, or else at last she understood it. And suddenly her winter passed, and the sun shone on her.
'Behold! The Shadow has departed! I will be a shield maiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.'"

So I had a "softening," and God spoke and guided and comforted me, but now I think He may be reminding me that the coming of Spring requires Spring cleaning; not fun, but oh so good.

Also, God is showing me that it is not good to despair and continue in suffering, in fact I have no reason to. Another thing, I know I have no reason to despair and that the tiny trifles I go through cannot even be considered suffering so I should just suck it up and deal, but God wants me to bring all my troubles to him, and be humbled in the reality I am so weak and can handle so little.

These scriptures have been life blood to me recently,

Isaiah 58:8-9
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Isaiah 50:2-4
Was my arm too short to ransom you?
Do I lack the strength to rescue you?
By a mere rebuke I dry up the sea,
I turn rivers into a desert;
their fish rot for lack of water
and die of thirst.
I clothe the sky with darkness
and make sackcloth its covering."
The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.

Isaiah 43:18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

1Peter 5:10
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

Case and point?
I'm a mess, but God is greater than that and is working on me despite it all, and He is good.

Random:
I came across this picture, and now it's basically my new favorite ever...

Uncle James

2009-02-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

Well, in many ways this was harder than I expected. Reality hit home. He's gone. The thing I have been praying against for over 10 years has happened. Then again, there is hope; I do not know where his heart was in the end. I'm not handling it the way I feared; I'm not mad at God, I am not in agony about where Uncle James is like I have for many sleepless nights over the years. I guess that's a good thing, but maybe it's just because my mind refuses to go there, and I'm too exhausted and depressed to feel angry. But God has given me a good example through David, I'm sure you know the story:
"The LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate." David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead." Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate. His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?"

So no more praying for Uncle James. I'll miss it, weird as it sounds. I still have many more family members to pray for, and that I think was the hardest part for me. They are so lost, they do not see that they are heading down the same path, especially Jamie. She' such a mess, she's so hurt, starving for love and comfort, but I love her, I do not want to see her life end in the same way! I am so afraid. And her 2 beautiful boys are so precious. Dylan knows more about the mess in her life than he lets on, he's only 7 buts seems to be going on 20! He asked Aunt Tina,
"Papa is never going to be here anymore is he?"
"No baby."
"So now it's only you (Aunt Tina), Joel (her son), and April (Joel's girlfriend)?
"Yes sweetheart."
"So Joel has to be the man of the house now. I'll come over and help him if it gets hard."
The child's amazing.
Hugging Joel brought the most comfort for me actually. I've always felt my cousins didn't know how much I love and care for them, our lives are so different that it makes conversation awkward at times. But as we sobbed together he stroked my hair (always wanting to take care of others even though he was hurting the most), I knew we understood each other, that we both care more than we know how to express. Same way with all of them. Nothing brings people together like grief I guess. And Jesse! It broke my heart to see him broken and regretful over not forgiving Uncle James. And Aunt Tina, what a strong woman. She'd cry but when we all started to cry too she'd make us all wash are faces and cheer up. Even Kenny (the totally non sappy one) broke down and we laughed as he remembered how my eyebrows turned red when I cried as a kid. Uncle Jay actually gave me a hug. It's easy to overlook him but I've always tried to reach out. It seems like God moved in his heart. Move Lord! I love them all! Break the bondage of sin! Bring revival to my family!
It's just so hard to have this happen, a horrible ending I've begged God not to let happen. But glorious is God's salvation! I stand in awe of His unfathomable goodness.
This is from C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves:
"In God there is no hunger that needs to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give. God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven through the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath's sake, hitched up. This is the diagram of Love Himself, the inventor of all loves.”
God’s Truth will not allow me to be angry with Him, I know He is good despite circumstances, and He is Love, even when I do not understand. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Amen! The message today in church was healing as well. Mike Burg preached about looking past the surface and into the heart of the matter, he also talked about unanswered prayers, which was very good, even though it made me cry during the service (to the devastation of my pride, haha).
A kindred spirit told me, when grieving, go to the Psalms, true words!
“There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
‘Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.’
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
How marvelous that we can lavish in God’s mercy and be saved.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Thank you Lord!
Please pray for my family and me during this time, and for the salvation of my extended family.

(Here are the news articles on what happened, I’m tired of explaining details)

http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20090204/ARTICLES/902041003/0/GATORSSPECIAL03

Kings to You my Friend!!!

2009-01-30T15:43:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday!!!

I remember when
We used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd

Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the tv light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

I remember when
We used to drive
Anywhere but her
As long as we'd forget our lives
We were so young and confused that we didn't know
To laugh or cry
Those nights were ours
They will live and never die
Together we'd stand forever

Those nights belong to us
There's nothing wrong with us

a breakthrough?

2009-01-28T20:13:00.000-05:00

I have been very tired.
Struggling with somethings and just not finding much relief.
Monday night I was especially distraught so I read my Bible but still was not encouraged, until Tuesday.
Tuesday God blessed me with a good day, everything ran smoothly, I got to go for a much needed bike ride- smell the coming rain- listen to some new worship songs I had discovered.
Then something happened Tuesday night. Here's what I wrote in my journal~
"Jan. 27, 2009
I was in my Politics of Palestine class and the prof was explaining how to write an essay. "Seriously? We're Rollins students, it's a 300 level course which consists mainly of juniors and seniors, let's hope we know how to write an essay!" I thought. This lead to a train of thought on how much I love writing, and English, and especially literature. I was filled with passion, joy, and inspiration just at the thought :). Then I heard myself say (in my head) "that's why you should be an English major, you were given a passion and a talent in this area for a reason." The thoughts didn't seem to come from me yet I heard no other voice. I felt a peace, a rightness, and a growing excitement that built throughout the time I was in class. I did not feel as if I was wasting my time in these international affairs classes though, I would use them, and learn from them, just not as an international affairs major. For the first time in a long while I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. Is this You Lord? Are you answering my prayers in this way?"
So I don't know. I would like to believe that it was the Lord speaking to me, and I hope He will bring further conformation if so.

(Ironically, this was the section of scripture I was reading Monday night but it didn't really sink in until I reread it Tuesday night.)

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

~Isaiah 40:25-31
God is so good!

And here's a new worship song I discovered last night:

"Beautiful are the words spoken to me
Beautiful is the one who speaking

Come in close, come in close and speak
Come in close, come closer to me

Beautiful are the words spoken to me
Beautiful is the one who speaking

The power of your words are filled with grace and mercy
Let them fall on my ears and break my stony heart"
~"Closer" Charlie Hall

P.S.
God WILL see me through! It doesn't matter how I feel, this is just another opportunity for me to lay my emotions on the alter and let Him burn them up. I am His, who am I to want anything else? My Savior is more than enough.

P.S.S.
(more song lyrics, sorry but it just started playing on my itunes and it's too good not to share!)

"Rich or poor God I want You more
Than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire

You can have all my hands can hold
My heart, mind, strength and soul
Be my all, all consuming fire

We have all we need in You
And all we need is You
All we need is You

All we need, all we need, all we need is You
All we need, all we need, all we need is You"
~All We Need" Charlie Hall

2009-01-10T00:37:00.000-05:00

This has not yet been written for many reasons; partially because of busy nothings, but more so because God has been showing me so many little tid bits that I've been too overwhelmed, and too uncertain to try to piece it all together. It's as if God is revealing vibrant threads and painful needles (too many for my fickle, fragile heart to properly appreciate)that He will use to weave me. I am lost in colors and pinpricks. Usually, I love to delve into interpretation, but have been so grotesquely wrong in the past that (hopefully) I have finally learned my lesson to wait and see what He will do (or perhaps I'm just to tired to try to figure it out anymore). Either way, here are glimmers of the tidbits, just as they are, this time I will wait for God to explain. (these tidbits are mostly from the Word and from Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Eliot)

"When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die"
"little deaths have to be died just as great ones do" -this has been enormous for me, I've been studying scripture on living day by day, dying to the flesh day by day, submitting to God's will day by day, suffering for His Name day by day, glorying in His goodness day by day...
"If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."
"many deaths must go into our reaching that measure"
As depressing as all this daily dying seemed at first, I later learned that I am not called to die just to die, but to die so that I may live. God created death so that we may not live eternally in sin. When the sprout is called to break forth the acorn must die, when the fruit is called to develop the buds first must die, when the oak spreads its seeds the fruit first must die. That has been a great encouragement. And there is a greater beauty in it, because it hurts, because it is constant it is valuable; "I will not offer my God sacrifices that have cost me nothing."

Also, offering my loneliness as a sweet sacrifice to God, every time I feel the pang of it, I have the opportunity to give it to God saying "You are worth my suffering, little and meager as it is"
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer?"

Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength"

I am so often lead by my emotions, not by the Spirit. I really want/need this to change, I long to be steadfast in the Lord, unwavering, and solid. "Hold us in strength, and hold us still"

"So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning: that is not worthy of the name 'for no polluted thing can be offered'." This is where I'm at. I've been asking God for something for quite some time, something perfectly healthy and right, but He has denied me. I've been frustrated with Him, "why can't I have it? You have created me to desire it, it is important for every person's spiritual growth, there is nothing wring with it, and nothing wrong with having it now! Haven't I waited long enough?" But God knows what He is doing, and if all this is only to make me fully depend on Him, to offer holy sacrifices to Him, to trust Him, then so be it.

Psalm 62:5-6 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
Amen.

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home"
- Broken by Lifehouse

Tidings of comfort and joy!

2008-12-18T23:09:00.000-05:00

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen has always been my favorite Christmas song, and I have just discovered Loreena McKennit's lovely version, and it made me so happy I had to share :)

God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember, Christ, our Saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

From God our Heavenly Father
A blessed Angel came;
And unto certain Shepherds
Brought tidings of the same:
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by Name.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

Now to the Lord sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas
All other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

On our Anniversary

2008-12-15T00:54:00.000-05:00

Aged to perfection. Typically, I'm more of the Neverland-living, young at heart, never grow up type who is deeply opposed to anything relating to the passing of time. I must say however, that today, I am glad there has been time behind us in our friendship. Not that those time were bad, but there is a priceless value to maturity. To have those moments to look back on, to build bonds around, it means something so solid, something that nothing but time can accomplish, well spent time that is. Some of the best things in life are well used and well aged: worn saddles, a good pair of pointe shoes, fine wine ; )... all things that cannot be bought, nor sought after, they must be earned.

There is so much that I will never be able to say, so much that I feel about so many things even in this moment, I am almost dizzy.

For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I look forward to the unknown life God has so beautifully and perfectly crafted, and I embrace the past with tenderness, but no longer tinged with the bitterness of regret.

A small side note: o trust means to find refuge in. Why then is it so hard for me to trust Him? It should be a joy to be to meet with opportunities to trust Him, to find refuge in Him. Taste and see that the Lord is good! I have been seeing Him in so many new ways. He is my Liege lord, my master, my lover, my friend, my protector, my refuge, my father, all that is love and comitatus in my life is Him. I know He is shaping me into what he wants me to be...
Batter my heart, three-personed god, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me; and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn and make new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprision me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me. -John Donne

Anyway, to wrap it all up, happy anniversary dearest, and
Kings to "us" <3

2008-12-13T13:45:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged! Thus the picture...

Me and Wesley at our last dance recital :.)

"Morbid Poetry"

2008-12-02T20:09:00.000-05:00

some new and fixed up stuff, I was on a roll haha.

How fortunate to be a fish
And never miss a bright moment!
We wander through our ‘wakened lives
In blinking blindness, lidded shut
And yet, to never have relief,
No pause to hide from the world’s woe
I think I would not covet fish
And miss some bliss, to shield some ill
~~~

A word, a look, would be enough
And yet her modesty is tough
The marble face my be past blushing
But never the soul past feeling!
The tremors, falters, all arised
Such open weakness is despised
To be overcome by such a trifle!
Ah, the past is hard to stifle
Frailty, thy name is feeling
Safety’s power is concealing
~~~

They sizzle and blaze
Through sky and earth
For discipline, or grace,
Or extravagant love
He makes sure they make their mark

Listen! Listen to His thunder!
I tremble, as a terror’d colt
I am bewildered utterly
And then…
He struck me
~~~

Our futures are like shadows
That dance and tease
Or pasts like an echo
Fading on the breeze
~~~

Today you’re Madonna
Tomorrow the Pope
And on Thursday you’ll be Joan of Arc
But beware!
Such transformations
Ruffle the hair

Now then, what is that phrase you use?

2008-11-26T00:21:00.000-05:00

We were telling stories in my drama class, and one of my girls, who was supposed to end the story, asked, "what is it you're supposed to say when it's the end? Oh yeah, they lived happily ever after."

It is encouraging,
that is how it is meant to end, happily ever after.

Reminds me of one of my favorite movie quotes...

"It's like in the great stories. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something... that there's some good in this world... and it's worth fighting for."

Praise God! He is creating His glorious epic, that will have the most extravagantly beautiful ending!

"Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.” And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts. He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son." -Rev. 21:2-7

Psalm 46

2008-11-19T11:01:00.000-05:00

God's Word is soooooo good! Well, of course it is, He is good! :o)
I've been rather nervous about the pressing times we are in, but God is encouraging me so much. I am so thankful that we have reason to hope! The worse things get the more we will see Him move. God's been showing me that it is in times of trouble that I draw closest to Him. I wish this was always the case in every situation, but it's natural to cling to God when everything is not going our way, and it's easy for our flesh to forget God when everything is going smoothly. So I thank God for stressful times, it brings me further into His presence, and that is worth any amount of trouble!

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Someday...

2008-11-16T22:19:00.000-05:00

I'd like to have a Willie-Nate...very much so :o)

my heart's cry

2008-11-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

On a day like this I want to crawl beneath a rock
A million miles from the world, the noise, the commotion
That never seems to stop

And on a day like this I want to run away from the routine
Run away from the daily grind that can suck the life
Right out of me
I know of only one place I can run to…

Chorus:
I want to hide in You
The Way, the Life, the Truth
So I can disappear
And love is all there is to see
Coming out of me
And You become clear
As I disappear

I don’t want to care about earthly things
Be caught up in all the lies that trick my eyes
They say it’s all about me
I’m so tired of it being about me…

I would rather be cast away
Separated from the human race
If I don’t bring You glory
If I don’t bring You glory
If I don’t bring You glory

"I am defenceless utterly"

2008-10-23T00:18:00.000-04:00

This is sort of a part two if you will of my previous blog...
God has thrown some, well, interesting events into my life in quick succession, I still don't know what they all mean, or if they're supposed to mean anything, but they have certainly made me think.

[enter Thoughts]

I feel (yes, it's a curse I know) like I'm being stripped. God is taking/allowing things in my life to be taken away so that now I feel frail. I waver in the biting wind that whistles through my cracked skin. Granted, I am still blessed with sooooo much, I know that I am going through NOTHING compared to most people, so I don't want to get stuck in self pity, but I feel as if these minor things have touched upon deeper things I have struggled with nearly my whole life, and it is those things that are actually weakening me.

[enter Issue]

As I said in my previous blog, I am trapped. Here is the great struggle: I crave God. His love, His forgiveness, His presence. I know I have these things, I have felt Him move in my life, but I have never been satisfied. I know that all the satisfaction I could ever desire is in Him, but somehow I cannot find it.

[enter Struggle]

I cannot find it. That is the problem. I cannot. Because I do not have the kind of relationship with God that I long for, I have tried to do all that is in my power to attain it, this is stupid, I know, I have no power. All that I could ever do would not earn God's approval. And yet, I know God cannot be at fault, so it must be me that is defective, it must be something that I have or have not done, someone I am or am not, that is blocking me from the fullness of God's love. I am caught in a never ending triangle, the struggle between not being close to God, it not being God's fault, and there being nothing I can do about it. "I am defenceless utterly"

[enter Repercussions]

Because I am not being satisfied in God, I struggle with seeking fulfillment elsewhere, through other people/things/events. "If Christ is not constantly before you, you soul will go in quiet search of other lovers." The result is obvious. Of course I cannot find satisfaction elsewhere, I am bitterly disappointed each and every time. I have tried to pretend I am satisfied, or to tell myself that I am asking for too much, but of course that does not work either. I then hate myself, I refuse to forgive myself, thinking that I am useless and untouchable. I feel desperately alone. And yet, I know, against all emotion or fleshly logic, that God is good, that He loves me, that He has forgiven me and that this will not last forever. It is not immediate comfort, but it is a hope to look forever forward to.

[enter Conclusion]

And so, because I am literally stuck and have no other alternative, and because of what I believe God my be speaking to me through His word, I shall wait. The more I try to fix it the more I tangle the wires. I'm not going to try and find the answers, if God wants me to know them He will tell me Himself.

[enter Hope]

"The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear Him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children"

A kindred spirit recently told me, as low as it gets, it will go high. In this way I can relish the farther I sink, knowing that I shall only rise that much higher.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near

I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Whom then shall I fear

OH no You never let go through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go, through every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is comin' for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these struggles
But until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the Earth

And i can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
and there will be and end to these struggles
but until that day comes
Still I will praise You
Still I will praise You.

[exit all]

I Stand Upon the Brink

2008-10-12T22:53:00.000-04:00

"I stand upon some dreadful brink , and it is utterly dark in the abyss before my feet, but whether there is any light behind me I cannot tell. For I cannot yet turn. I am waiting for some stroke of doom."

This is where I'm at right now. I know that hope and joy and peace await behind me. I long to turn around...but I cannot. I know I should, that I could, but every effort drains me of mobility. I cannot move.
Lord I need You to grab me firmly, reassuringly, and turn me around.
I surrender.
I cannot move.
I understand now that I can do nothing.
But You can do everything.
You are everything.

"How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?"

Who is like You oh Lord? Worthy of all praise.

I miss her

2008-09-29T23:23:00.000-04:00

Ok, so this is going to be a swirling bloody incoherent mess but I could care less about structure and really need to just let go of some thoughts.
I miss her. I knew the time was coming, I knew she was old, I tried to prepare myself, but I guess no one is ever really prepared for death. It hurts. I'm not angry, she died relatively peacefully and lived a long life, and I'm so grateful that I got to have her, it's been a fairy tale come true for me to own a horse. I prayed so hard for her, she was all I could ever hope for. My miracle, my answer to prayer, a gift from God. But all that doesn't make it stop hurting. I know she was just an animal and that I didn't get to spend much time with her so my life hasn't drastically changed, but she was a part of my life for 11 years, and I loved her, and amazingly enough she loved me too. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, like someone knocked me out and I've woke up head throbbing trying to figure out where I am. I feel like a part of me has died, because in many ways it has. She was a comfort to me as silly as it sounds. I told her all my problems and joys throughout my childhood and even though she couldn't understand, now that she's gone I feel so lonely, like a friend has died. She was my friend, as silly as it sounds. I could feel miserable, but always found such comfort in just leaning against her with my head buried in her coat, smelling her sour, earthy, warm scent and being soothed by her breathing, her shivers, her sighs, her softness, her perfectly shaped ears, the way her spongy pink tongue would hang out of her mouth a little bit when she'd take a long drink... everything. I miss her! I find so little comfort in memories, in pictures, in her nameplate we nailed into the tree near the spot she died and is buried, I'm glad I have those things, but I want HER. I feel like my childhood has died with her. I have reconciled myself to letting go of my childhood dreams, but through Robin, those dreams could still live on. She was the solid, living representation of all my dreams, and now, they're all gone, really gone, with her. And I can't help but feel guilty. I should've spent more time with her, should've enjoyed her more. How I wish I had gone and seen her last weekend! I knew each time I saw her that it could be the last so I tried to say goodbye each time but I never really meant it. I wish I could've been there with her in the end, to reassure her that I love her, not that she'd really cared the way a person would, but I think she would've liked it all the same, I know I would've. To be able to really say goodbye. To hug her one more time, smell her one more time, see her one more time. I can't imagine going to the Ranch and knowing she's not there to greet me as I drive up, to have to face that mound and come to grips with the fact that that's all that's left of her...I am so thankful for all the good times I've had with her, such wonderful memories! She was my answered prayer. Now she's gone. GONE. I know it's not true but I feel like everything in my life is memories, I'm so sick of memories! I'm young, my life isn't over, but I feel like it is! Dance, Robin, the church, everything that made up my childhood is gone. All my dreams, gone. I know that this is a preparation for the dreams that God has planned for me, He has stripped me so now I can follow His glorious dreams for me,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
But I still FEEl naked, utterly exposed, as if have just had the horrifying revelation that I don't know myself at all.
And quite simply...
I just miss her so much.

Passion

2008-09-27T00:27:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about what drives my life, or at least what SHOULD drive my life, so here are some jumbled thoughts...

"The world is too much with us, late and soon...
We have givin our hearts away, a sordid boon!"

"you have abandoned the love that you had at first. You have deserted Me, your first love."

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends"

"They didn't love their lives so much as to shrink from death"

"They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them."

"it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?"
"It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts;
It's how did you fight and why?"

"It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,
But only, how did you die?"

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain..."

I want this to be the driving passion in my life, to live every moment for Christ out of love.

"To die for love? What could be more glorious?"

A poem I wrote a little while ago

2008-09-14T22:42:00.000-04:00

I've got some things on my mind I want to blog about but am too tired and have no time, so for now this will suffice...

I sat in rain and talked to God.
He smoothed my many stony thoughts
Until each gleamed, like little gems.
And so my gems, and so the rain,
Both sparkled through my soul and skin.

"now I have some clarity to show you what I mean..."

2008-08-31T18:54:00.000-04:00

I always thought it was fear of being rejected, but now I realize that it's pride, and that's a painful confession. But I have to embrace it, my responsibility is too great, and the stakes are too high.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

God likes to speak to me through music...

2008-08-09T17:32:00.000-04:00

Emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)

I wonder...

2008-08-09T00:20:00.000-04:00

Cosmic questions for the void:
Is it because I have made myself repulsive? Unavailable? Cold maybe? Am I afraid? If so, why? Will it only get worse? Am I deceived? Or am I the one deceiving? Do I know too much? Too little? Nothing at all?

A piece from my dear friend, Emily:

"Mirth is the mail of anguish,
In which it caution arm,
Lest anybody spy the blood
And “You ’re hurt” exclaim!"

And a piece from me:

Do sigh
But not too loud,
Suppressed expression
A necessity
To aught excite a crowd

Your eyes

2008-07-19T15:56:00.000-04:00

Green eyes sink into the deep
Sea monsters in them make me weep.
I still remember when green eyes were blue,
Before the gruesome sea seeped through, and tainted their hue

"Someday, we're gonna dance with those lions..."

2008-07-18T14:57:00.000-04:00

I've been rereading the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis for, I don't know, the dozenth time. Anyway, this hit me hard.
"Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, 'Susan.' Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. 'You have listened to fears, child,' said Aslan. 'Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them.'"

2008-07-12T11:54:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts that have weighted heavy on my mind, but I'm too tired to explain.

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal....

And I have loved thee, ocean! and my joy
Of youthful sports was on thy breast to be
Borne, like thy bubbles, onward; from a boy
I wantoned with thy breakers -- they to me
Were a delight; and if the freshening sea
Made them a terror -- 'twas a pleasing fear,
For I was as it were a child of thee,
And trusted to thy billows far and near,
And laid my hand upon thy mane -- as I do here."

"Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find the ground
Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away
From this crazy world"

"Long walks in the dark
through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream."

"What I'd give to return to the life that I knew lately, but I know that I can't solve my problems going back..."

2008-07-07T23:20:00.000-04:00

The frigid Minnesota rain nipped at our cheeks as Maggie and I ran through the mud and up the slippery wood steps leading to "The Big Cabin." Laughing and out of breath I yanked open the screen door and let it slam shut with a twang behind us. "They're here! We can start the movie now" called out one of my many cousins, who were crammed into the damp room. We carefully maneuvered around the pile of wet, muddy shoes and made our way to an empty spot on the gritty, carpet floor. As I swiped a pillow from the couch I was leaning against and tried to get comfortable, the opening scene of Gladiator (it was always either Gladiator or Jurassic Park) appeared on the TV screen. I reflected on the numerous other rainy July nights when we had come together to watch a movie because the weather drove us inside.
That's why I loved this place; things never changed. Every year we had the same routine starting with a big breakfast of either pancakes or eggs and hash browns. Then we would have water-balloon fights and bounce on the giant black inner tube until our uncles got back from golfing. They were the only ones who could drive the boats. Next came the most monumental part of the whole day, tubing out on the lake. My cousin, Maggie and I lived for it (as our fathers did before us). We would spend hours riding over white-capped waves, gripping the tube with bloodless knuckles as the boat whipped us in circles. We laughed and screamed through gritted teeth so that we wouldn't chop off our tongues as the tube slapped against the icy water. A typical day of that July 4th week would then end with a huge tent dinner of scallop potatoes and ham with watered down fruit punch that always left bright red mustaches on kids' faces. In the evening, all the cousins in my age group would shoot off firecrackers, go for a walk under the stars, play mafia, or watch a movie if it was raining.
I awoke groggily and sat up. We had all fallen asleep halfway through the movie (we always did). Now the movie was over. Everyone was slowly getting up and filing out of the room and into the windy night to return to their own cabins. I grimaced as I felt a prickling needle-like sensation overpower my arm, which had fallen asleep under the weight of a cousin's head.
Once Maggie and I were settled in the lumpy pullout couch bed that had a metal bar sticking out in the middle (the same bed we always had when we stayed at my cabin), we huddled close and Maggie whispered with a sigh, "Isn't it wonderful how nothing ever changes here?" I knew exactly what she meant.
It wasn't as if nothing ever changed. We didn't hunt for minnows and live on candy cigarettes and blue and pink tart suckers like we did when we were younger, but the kids who were now the age we were then did. Each age group had its own routine. The kids bounced on the giant inner tube, feasted on cheap candy from "The Candy Store" (we never knew it's real name) because for some reason parents weren't as concerned about healthy diets while at the lakes. The kids also fished for minnows with tiny nets and made mud castles. The teenagers went tubing, jumped off of the bridge into the river, played volleyball, mafia, spoons, and, of course, watched Jurassic Park or Gladiator, while the adults took the kids out on the boats, cooked meals together, told stories around the bond fire, golfed, and played Catchphrase or Taboo. This had always been the routine, the one I was following, the one my father followed, and the one my grandmother had followed. It really wasn't any different. It was the same spirit, the same activities. The roles were the only thing that switched. Back home things were always changing, school, friends, surroundings; nothing stayed the same for very long. Everything was affected by the erosion of time, but not here. This family reunion had become the one thing I could depend on. It had become my comfort, my refuge. Though minor changes might occur, the unchangeable spirit of love, family, and joy, would always remain. I needed that. Though I had not understood it as a child, I knew now how much I needed this place, this family, this stability.
I smiled and took a deep breath, inhaling the same old, comfortable smell of mothballs emitting from the worn out mattress. "Yes, it is wonderful", I mumbled as I rolled over and went blissfully to sleep.

ventation

2008-06-28T00:49:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I know I just posted and that I have to wake up in 3 hours to catch a plane but I've got things on my mind that have to come out before I can have any peace. Sometimes I get so sick of caution. I hate having to be so careful about what I say, how I feel, how others feel about what I say and feel, having to always analyze everything. Having a Persuasion brain isn't any help either. I just want to live in "abandon" and love without thinking, dream without waking, run without breathing, and leap without looking. And yet, I never can. I know I shouldn't. And why? Because God is faithful. I know that phrase is ridiculously cliche but it's true! Though I've been strained to the breaking point, I have never broken, though I have frequented the cliff's edge, I have never jumped. God is ALWAYS there to remind me that I can never be completely hopeless, completely discouraged. And that is the greatest thing in life. God's never-ceasing companionship. I know that no matter how low I get, He will always bring me back up. So even though I'm facing some huge challenges in my life right now, I'm almost excited to see God pull me through them. This doesn't mean that things are easy, but it does mean that everything will be ok though I could still use some prayer if you think of me!) Ahh, that's better. And so, goodnight dear void...

ice is also great and would suffice...

2008-06-28T00:14:00.000-04:00

So I saw the new Pixar film Wall-e today. It was remotely cute but mainly boring and completely political. Anyway, it reminded me of one of my favorite poems.

"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice."
-Robert Frost

It's my birthday...

2008-06-25T23:46:00.001-04:00

Yes it is, so I thought I should blog. These past couple days I've had some depressing thoughts I wanted to blog about but honestly now I just want to leave them behind with 18. I'm so ready for growth and renewal, hopefully 19 has these tings in store
"I was a little girl
alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my house guests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green--
I had a dream that I could fly from the highest swing,
I had a dream--
Long walks in the dark
through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be,
the stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer, and fell asleep
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree,
I had a dream ...
Now I'm old and feeling grey,
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell,
I'm ready now,
I'm ready now,
I'm ready now
to fly
from the highest wing,
I had a dream..."

"It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope..."

2008-06-18T22:48:00.000-04:00

I've been rereading the Chronicles of Narnia seres, and these quotes moved me to tears. Thought I'd share. The first one grabbed me, and the song "the call" came to my mind. An overwhelming longing to be called. The second part also moved me greatly. A realization of God's understanding, power, compassion, and love.

"Aslan threw up his shaggy head, opened his mouth, and uttered a long, single note; not very loud, but full of power. Polly's heart jumped in her body when she heard it, She felt sure that it was a call, and that anyone who heard that call would want to obey it and (what's more) would be able to obey it, however many worlds and ages lay between."

"Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shinning tears stood in the Lion's eyes."

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

"You like music?" "More than food."

2008-06-17T21:21:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to figure out why art is so important, and after searching my own feelings, this is what I came up with.

Art is expression. A release. A lessening of pain. Relief. Art is God's greatest gift. It allows us to follow in His footprints. To attempt to create. He is the Creator, we are only the created. Through art however, God allows us to see outside of ourselves, to see into His mind. To live in His glorious image. To dream of His wonders.

Here's what inspired these reflections. This child is AMAZING.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUx4t4W4eVY&feature=related

"I must the true relation make..."

2008-06-16T23:10:00.000-04:00

Lately I have come to a realization about myself. [Aside: Isn't it strange that we do not know ourselves? That we actually have to learn who, what, and why we are? That's the problem I have always had with Descartes, how is it that we can say we exist because of what we think when we clearly do not "think" all there is to think? To me it proves we have a Creator, (thank God) and that's why we do not, nor cannot understand ourselves.] Anyway. I realized that the reason I struggle with depression is because I am often disappointed, and the reason I am often disappointed, is because I set up gloriously impossible ideals for everything I encounter in life: occasions, experiences, people. Yet therein lies the problem. The very word ideal. "A conception of something in its perfection. (dictionary.com)" Since we live in a world incapable of perfection, I am doomed to never attain any of my ideals, and often reap nothing but bitter disappointment. "I cannot help flying on the wings of anticipation, it's as glorious as sailing through a sunset, almost pays for the thud." There's the rub, "almost." The only person who will never fall short of my ideals, who cannot but always accede my ideals, is God. There is no time in my life that I can look back on and honestly say that my ideal was better than God's. And so, I have realized that I have established a few foundational ideals that have been with me since the moment I could create them. Ideals about what I will do in life, and about a person I may or may not meet in my life. I must loosen myself from these ideals. [ha. I can say it, but can I do it?] I must release my grip and cling solely to Jesus. I know this will not happen instantly, I just pray that it will happen eventually.

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me.
My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
Surrender, surrender, You whisper, gently...

"I am defenceless utterly"

2008-06-03T23:02:00.000-04:00

"And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand, I want so much more than they have planned..."
So that's basically how I've been feeling since...well, honestly speaking since I first began to understand myself, which actually hasn't been very long...anyway, that's not the point. So I was feeling it REAL bad when I heard this song by Stephen Hinkle. Let's just say that it ruined me.

"Beauty is what I see
As you're standing in front of me
A reflection of my heart
Crafted for my delight
You were made for glory and light
To display My majesty" (so after this part I was thinking, that's nice, but hard to believe)

"This might surprise You
But give me a chance" (um woah, the song was speaking back to me!)

"The question I'm dying to ask…
May I have this dance?
A divine romance
I'll take you by the hand
And waltz through eternity" (totally caught off guard)

"Put your trust in Me
Will you let Me lead?" (OUCH major bad, but in a good way)

"I'll sweep you off your feet
If you'll let Me have this dance"

"Come here, don't be afraid" (haha read my mind)

"As you draw near only be brave
And surrender to My song
Let go, lose all control
And just give yourself to the
Rhythm of following My touch
I will not hurt you
I'll do no harm
As I take you into My arms
May I have this dance?" (at this point I was in tears)

"A divine romance
I'll take you by the hand
And waltz through eternity
Put your trust in Me
Will you let Me lead?
I'll sweep you off your feet
If you'll let Me have this dance"

Yeah, so there it is. And here's a poem that was the offspring of my experience...(disclaimer, it's kinda crummy, but oh well)

We've got the sea
Between you and I
And I can't walk on water
Trust me, I've tried
It's up to you now...to reach me

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back?"

2008-05-27T12:05:00.000-04:00

Today I went to my old high school. Climbing the dreadful stairs (for dreadful was the emotion they nearly always evoked) I realized it has been a year since I was a student there. So much has happened in this past year, though it feels like so little time has past. I am not the person I was then. I am aware of the pathetic overuse of that statement, but it is still true. I have changed, I just had not noticed until now. It's like having a child and not realizing that it is growing until you leave for a while and then come back to the surprising (yet logically obvious) realization that it has grown. It was encouraging to know I have changed, I was not whom I wished to be then, and yet it was strange. I felt almost as if a reintroduction was needed. Anyway, I was glad to know it, I so dearly want to change, to be more. I still have such a painfully long way to go.
Though most of the change that has occurred in my life has produced a favorable outcome, there is a thorn. I have always been a lonely person, and yet, the changes have taken me away from places of...well, place; where I belonged. Now, I am alone. Not really "alone," I have individuals, my "shield," and of course, God for communion, but I lack "place." Is that why I want to leave? Is that why I am struggling the way I am? Why I'm suddenly willing to forsake Independence?

Life lessons from the polisher...

2008-05-26T01:20:00.000-04:00

reminder to myself, just because I want it, does not mean I need it.

Another reminder, my best friend is way better than them all, not that I needed reminding of that : ).

"Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love."

"what right have you to be scornful, whose virture is a deficiency of temptation"

2008-05-24T12:31:00.000-04:00

"Although our sins testify against us, O Lord, do something for the sake of your name." Jeremiah 14:7

I've been struggling with my utter lack, my inability to do or be anything that I should. This morning I was feeling hopeless, when I read Jeremiah 14:7. And what a burden-lifting verse it is! How encouraging to know that our value is not in who we are or what we do, but in the value that God has freely given! And more so, that the point is not our value or accomplishments at all, but everything is God, everything that matters. I cannot say I am free from my shame, but I at least have the strength to press on through one more day, and for now that is enough.

Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still
Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still
The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

ode to humanity

2008-05-20T23:32:00.000-04:00

They saw a man in the moon and thought is was a sign,
Lost in the ornamental design.
Demons demonstrating demoralizing dreams of gall.
We are after all,
A savage race,
A socially awkward disgrace.

a diolauge

2008-05-19T12:13:00.000-04:00

"What a miserable woman! I have only one excuse for being so blinded to her insolence. She augmented my vanity, and that is a painful confession."
"I do not understand why. I could never tolerate a woman who was not vain."
"That is only because you have never met with one."
"You assume as much?"
"Oh certainly, all women are vain, it is in our nature, and parading of your better acquaintance of the world could not convince me otherwise. Though your understanding of women may be greater in quantity, mine is far superior in quality."

"Is love a fancy or a feeling? Oh no! It is immortal as immaculate truth"

2008-05-12T20:04:00.000-04:00

I have always been disgusted with society's macabre understanding of love. Recently, a friend of mine, who is originally from Hong Kong, discussed her surprise at Americans view of love and relationships. One girl she talked to said that love is "just an experience...How can you spend your life with a single person? That's boring." After my friend explained to a guy who expressed interest in her that she would not be in the U.S. long enough for a relationship, the guy told her, "don't worry about that now, we can be happy together at this moment." So what does our society say love is? My friend dictionary.com will explain:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.

So that's the modern view of love. Basically, love is an intense feeling or experience that is short lived and eventually becomes "boring."
But that's not it at all! Love is so much more than just an emotion! Real love is immutable.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

"...where dear self is concerned!"

2008-05-09T23:09:00.000-04:00

So I'm doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do, blogging about me. Fabulous. Another thing to add to the hate list. Anyway, I'll at least keep it brief. WHY WHY WHY must I always do what I have determined not to?!?! Why must I win? Why must I always retaliate? Ya know, losing just rubs in that I'm a loser, but winning strikes it home.

interesting thought...

2008-05-08T23:49:00.000-04:00

I was talking to a friend today about the limitations some institutions place (intentionally/unintentionally) on creativity when she said something I thought was quite challenging and inspiring. She said that she has always found people who complain about said limitations to be wimps because truly creative people would push through and find a way to be creative despite the limitations. I thought this was a marvelous view point.