When the words become too heavy *this* spills out

How do I write out the depths of my soul echoing in that scene? in the sun sparkling off crinkled flecks of water? the mixture of cool breeze and hot rays like unstirred coffee and cream? the hum and whistle of wind cut by fishing lines and rigging? the baking of bare, calloused feet? the dance of light waves rippling on ship bows and the soothing lap of waves against hulls? the creak of swaying masts? the sea-colored sky with white-capped clouds?  The haunting cry of one gull becomes a chorus of cries, over 20 years suddenly synchronized into one devastating moment. = My childhood.  I read myself in these scenes. my father. my grandfather.  Every story I read, heard, dreamed of when life was indulged in beauty and I never measured it.  Beauty.  Life.  I've been handed armfuls of beauty; my storehouse bursts with it.  I will need those reserves.  In darkness and despair I will need to pull out these remembrances of beauty like a bit of chocolate from my pocket, unravel the wrapper and slowly suck on one little piece at a time.  

FLESH: Hope hurts. You will never give me my heart's desire. I will remained caged. Everyone else will go off and conquer the world for Your kingdom, but You will keep me here forever. __________________________________________________________ TRUTH: "You can hold onto the hope that I will not change what I have promised." -Hebrews 6:17-18 "For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" -Isaiah 14:27 "Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it." -Job 40:2 "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." -Psalm 3:3 "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." -Psalm 16:5-6 "If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all." -Isaiah 7:9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9 "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him." -Lamentations 3:25 "Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord, or what man shows Him his counsel? Whom did He consult, and who made Him understand?" -Isaiah 40:13-14 "Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth? says the Lord." -Isaiah 66:9 "You are God's field, God's building." - 1 Cor. 3:9 "May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." - 2 Thess. 3:5 "you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." - James 1:2 "But I am not ashamed, for I know Whom I have believed, and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." - 2 Tim. 1:12

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 I'm not playing this game again. I don't have the energy to be angry at You, even though everything in my flesh wants to give up and spew bitterness in Your face. I have to hold on to Your promises. *This* is the place deeper than my feet have ever wandered. So in the deeps, I will trust You.  Thank You.