"I do understand, I know now..."

Today I understood.
I have spent all of my spiritual life in this church and after all the struggles it has gone through, and I have gone through in it, many hurts and questions have built up. Especially these last three years. I felt abandoned, unprotected. Again and again, God did not answer my prayers. Again and again, my needs were not met. I felt that God had let me down. I was angry and confused, but at the time I didn't know just how much it had affected me. I had become bitter, all the while believing I wasn't letting it affect me, I thought I was just "tired"...
Today was our last Sunday in this building, and I finally understood.
It's not about the church.
God was showing me through it all that it's about Him. Of course I "knew" that all along, but today I saw it. He stripped everything away so I would depend only on Him. It's not about music, a building, certain leaders, certain people, experiences, numbers, happiness...just Him.
It's so easy to get caught up in routine, but He saved me from that.
The pain was exposed, it was explained, and I not only understood why, I was thankful.
For the first time in my life, I thanked Him for it, when just the day before I was still aching with the scream of why.
How overwhelming is the love of Christ!
The healer of wounds.
The passionate lover.
The protective Father.

"no more despair"

SO.
I've been rather loathe to write this the past few days, because I don't "feel" it.
I have since decided that the best time to blog this was when I didn't feel it. Perhaps the writing of it will bring me back to where I was when these thoughts first occurred to me; a realigning if you will...always a good thing.
Thus:
I believe God is bringing me into a Spring. I have known for a while I've been in a Autumn/Winterish season spiritually for some time, but about a month ago, as I began to see a Spring break forth, I realized just how deep into Winter I had gone.

Here I confess to be an extreme nerd, but, only two people read this thing anyway, and they already know this of me, so it's all good...
back to the point, I often connect my life with the character of Eowyn. I'm odd, I know. As God has been bringing Spring, this section from Return of the King keeps popping into me head,

"As he looked at her it seemed to him that something in her softened, as though a bitter frost were yielding at the first faint presage of Spring...
Then the heart of Eowyn changed, or else at last she understood it. And suddenly her winter passed, and the sun shone on her.
'Behold! The Shadow has departed! I will be a shield maiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.'"

So I had a "softening," and God spoke and guided and comforted me, but now I think He may be reminding me that the coming of Spring requires Spring cleaning; not fun, but oh so good.

Also, God is showing me that it is not good to despair and continue in suffering, in fact I have no reason to. Another thing, I know I have no reason to despair and that the tiny trifles I go through cannot even be considered suffering so I should just suck it up and deal, but God wants me to bring all my troubles to him, and be humbled in the reality I am so weak and can handle so little.

These scriptures have been life blood to me recently,

Isaiah 58:8-9
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Isaiah 50:2-4
Was my arm too short to ransom you?
Do I lack the strength to rescue you?
By a mere rebuke I dry up the sea,
I turn rivers into a desert;
their fish rot for lack of water
and die of thirst.
I clothe the sky with darkness
and make sackcloth its covering."
The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.

Isaiah 43:18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

1Peter 5:10
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

Case and point?
I'm a mess, but God is greater than that and is working on me despite it all, and He is good.

Random:
I came across this picture, and now it's basically my new favorite ever...

Uncle James

Well, in many ways this was harder than I expected. Reality hit home. He's gone. The thing I have been praying against for over 10 years has happened. Then again, there is hope; I do not know where his heart was in the end. I'm not handling it the way I feared; I'm not mad at God, I am not in agony about where Uncle James is like I have for many sleepless nights over the years. I guess that's a good thing, but maybe it's just because my mind refuses to go there, and I'm too exhausted and depressed to feel angry. But God has given me a good example through David, I'm sure you know the story:
"The LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate." David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead." Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate. His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?"

So no more praying for Uncle James. I'll miss it, weird as it sounds. I still have many more family members to pray for, and that I think was the hardest part for me. They are so lost, they do not see that they are heading down the same path, especially Jamie. She' such a mess, she's so hurt, starving for love and comfort, but I love her, I do not want to see her life end in the same way! I am so afraid. And her 2 beautiful boys are so precious. Dylan knows more about the mess in her life than he lets on, he's only 7 buts seems to be going on 20! He asked Aunt Tina,
"Papa is never going to be here anymore is he?"
"No baby."
"So now it's only you (Aunt Tina), Joel (her son), and April (Joel's girlfriend)?
"Yes sweetheart."
"So Joel has to be the man of the house now. I'll come over and help him if it gets hard."
The child's amazing.
Hugging Joel brought the most comfort for me actually. I've always felt my cousins didn't know how much I love and care for them, our lives are so different that it makes conversation awkward at times. But as we sobbed together he stroked my hair (always wanting to take care of others even though he was hurting the most), I knew we understood each other, that we both care more than we know how to express. Same way with all of them. Nothing brings people together like grief I guess. And Jesse! It broke my heart to see him broken and regretful over not forgiving Uncle James. And Aunt Tina, what a strong woman. She'd cry but when we all started to cry too she'd make us all wash are faces and cheer up. Even Kenny (the totally non sappy one) broke down and we laughed as he remembered how my eyebrows turned red when I cried as a kid. Uncle Jay actually gave me a hug. It's easy to overlook him but I've always tried to reach out. It seems like God moved in his heart. Move Lord! I love them all! Break the bondage of sin! Bring revival to my family!
It's just so hard to have this happen, a horrible ending I've begged God not to let happen. But glorious is God's salvation! I stand in awe of His unfathomable goodness.
This is from C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves:
"In God there is no hunger that needs to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give. God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven through the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath's sake, hitched up. This is the diagram of Love Himself, the inventor of all loves.”
God’s Truth will not allow me to be angry with Him, I know He is good despite circumstances, and He is Love, even when I do not understand. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Amen! The message today in church was healing as well. Mike Burg preached about looking past the surface and into the heart of the matter, he also talked about unanswered prayers, which was very good, even though it made me cry during the service (to the devastation of my pride, haha).
A kindred spirit told me, when grieving, go to the Psalms, true words!
“There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
‘Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.’
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
How marvelous that we can lavish in God’s mercy and be saved.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Thank you Lord!
Please pray for my family and me during this time, and for the salvation of my extended family.

(Here are the news articles on what happened, I’m tired of explaining details)

http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20090204/ARTICLES/902041003/0/GATORSSPECIAL03

Kings to You my Friend!!!

Happy Birthday!!!


I remember when
We used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd

Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the tv light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

I remember when
We used to drive
Anywhere but her
As long as we'd forget our lives
We were so young and confused that we didn't know
To laugh or cry
Those nights were ours
They will live and never die
Together we'd stand forever

Those nights belong to us
There's nothing wrong with us

a breakthrough?

I have been very tired.
Struggling with somethings and just not finding much relief.
Monday night I was especially distraught so I read my Bible but still was not encouraged, until Tuesday.
Tuesday God blessed me with a good day, everything ran smoothly, I got to go for a much needed bike ride- smell the coming rain- listen to some new worship songs I had discovered.
Then something happened Tuesday night. Here's what I wrote in my journal~
"Jan. 27, 2009
I was in my Politics of Palestine class and the prof was explaining how to write an essay. "Seriously? We're Rollins students, it's a 300 level course which consists mainly of juniors and seniors, let's hope we know how to write an essay!" I thought. This lead to a train of thought on how much I love writing, and English, and especially literature. I was filled with passion, joy, and inspiration just at the thought :). Then I heard myself say (in my head) "that's why you should be an English major, you were given a passion and a talent in this area for a reason." The thoughts didn't seem to come from me yet I heard no other voice. I felt a peace, a rightness, and a growing excitement that built throughout the time I was in class. I did not feel as if I was wasting my time in these international affairs classes though, I would use them, and learn from them, just not as an international affairs major. For the first time in a long while I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. Is this You Lord? Are you answering my prayers in this way?"
So I don't know. I would like to believe that it was the Lord speaking to me, and I hope He will bring further conformation if so.

(Ironically, this was the section of scripture I was reading Monday night but it didn't really sink in until I reread it Tuesday night.)

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

~Isaiah 40:25-31
God is so good!

And here's a new worship song I discovered last night:

"Beautiful are the words spoken to me
Beautiful is the one who speaking

Come in close, come in close and speak
Come in close, come closer to me

Beautiful are the words spoken to me
Beautiful is the one who speaking

The power of your words are filled with grace and mercy
Let them fall on my ears and break my stony heart"
~"Closer" Charlie Hall

P.S.
God WILL see me through! It doesn't matter how I feel, this is just another opportunity for me to lay my emotions on the alter and let Him burn them up. I am His, who am I to want anything else? My Savior is more than enough.

P.S.S.
(more song lyrics, sorry but it just started playing on my itunes and it's too good not to share!)

"Rich or poor God I want You more
Than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire

You can have all my hands can hold
My heart, mind, strength and soul
Be my all, all consuming fire

We have all we need in You
And all we need is You
All we need is You

All we need, all we need, all we need is You
All we need, all we need, all we need is You"
~All We Need" Charlie Hall

This has not yet been written for many reasons; partially because of busy nothings, but more so because God has been showing me so many little tid bits that I've been too overwhelmed, and too uncertain to try to piece it all together. It's as if God is revealing vibrant threads and painful needles (too many for my fickle, fragile heart to properly appreciate)that He will use to weave me. I am lost in colors and pinpricks. Usually, I love to delve into interpretation, but have been so grotesquely wrong in the past that (hopefully) I have finally learned my lesson to wait and see what He will do (or perhaps I'm just to tired to try to figure it out anymore). Either way, here are glimmers of the tidbits, just as they are, this time I will wait for God to explain. (these tidbits are mostly from the Word and from Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Eliot)

"When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die"
"little deaths have to be died just as great ones do" -this has been enormous for me, I've been studying scripture on living day by day, dying to the flesh day by day, submitting to God's will day by day, suffering for His Name day by day, glorying in His goodness day by day...
"If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."
"many deaths must go into our reaching that measure"
As depressing as all this daily dying seemed at first, I later learned that I am not called to die just to die, but to die so that I may live. God created death so that we may not live eternally in sin. When the sprout is called to break forth the acorn must die, when the fruit is called to develop the buds first must die, when the oak spreads its seeds the fruit first must die. That has been a great encouragement. And there is a greater beauty in it, because it hurts, because it is constant it is valuable; "I will not offer my God sacrifices that have cost me nothing."

Also, offering my loneliness as a sweet sacrifice to God, every time I feel the pang of it, I have the opportunity to give it to God saying "You are worth my suffering, little and meager as it is"
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer?"

Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength"

I am so often lead by my emotions, not by the Spirit. I really want/need this to change, I long to be steadfast in the Lord, unwavering, and solid. "Hold us in strength, and hold us still"

"So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning: that is not worthy of the name 'for no polluted thing can be offered'." This is where I'm at. I've been asking God for something for quite some time, something perfectly healthy and right, but He has denied me. I've been frustrated with Him, "why can't I have it? You have created me to desire it, it is important for every person's spiritual growth, there is nothing wring with it, and nothing wrong with having it now! Haven't I waited long enough?" But God knows what He is doing, and if all this is only to make me fully depend on Him, to offer holy sacrifices to Him, to trust Him, then so be it.

Psalm 62:5-6 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
Amen.

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home"
- Broken by Lifehouse