"She had gone forth in her strength; she would come back in her weakness."

I love Henry James' Portrait of a Lady, I just never thought I'd live it.

You know how it feels coming off a merry-go-round? Spin-spin-spin-spin-spin-spin STOP. Ok, you think you're oriented... step, fall. The spinning continues- only in your head. You balance again, take a tentative step in the forward direction- nope. Fall. turns out "forward" was actually "down."
Or
When you're tubing: the boat whips sharp at the precise wave, perfect contact, tube goes flying, you go flying- spin-spin-spin-spin-spin BAM water. You can't breathe- the wind knocked out of you? or is that water you're gasping? You reach your arm up... down?

That, or something like it, is where I'm at. Just when the spinning stops and I think I've got a grip on my direction, I fall flat.
Weakness. to the uttermost. "and I don't mean like a couple of tears and I'm blue. I'm talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon,
but I'm a better man for having gone through it." (the Avetts say it well.)
"If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." ~C.S. Lewis
The finality of "so be it" has always inspired me- such steadfast and noble words. But these words are also fatal. often painful. no way out.
Praying, "Lord, have Your way" is the same way. That's not at all a bad thing; God is not cruel. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9. His way is better, better period, and better for me. I know that. in my head.
But I don't feel it. I feel atrocious things. Fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, abandonment, abuse... all towards a God who is gracious, who doesn't deal with me as I deserve, who endured unfathomable sacrifice so that I may know Him. He will not abandon me. "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." ~John 14:18. What amazes me is He can handle my resentment. He's not offended by my anger. He's bigger than my fear.
"Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!" ~ Psalm 25:6-7

I don't recite these words because I feel them; I NEED them.

I needed to hear this last night, I hope it speaks to you as well...

Lost

There was a girl who didn't know when to stop or
go,
and a girl who knew no rights or lefts
they drove together
not know
not go
with all that was left...

but is that right?

Sea Lessons: “He’s not safe, but He’s good.”

I am weary of words and people,
Sick of the city, wanting the sea;
Wanting the sticky, salty sweetness
Of the strong wind and shattered spray;
Wanting the loud sound and the soft sound
Of the big surf that breaks all day.
…now I am caught beneath great buildings,
Stricken with noise, confused with light.
…I have a need to hold and handle
Shells and anchors and ships again!
…I am too long away from water.
I have a need of water near.

“Exiled” ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

God knows me well. Coming home from Ukraine, I needed the ocean something fierce! He speaks so clearly to me on the sea- or perhaps I just listen better. This time, He challenged my knowledge of Him. Like Abram with the stars (Gen. 15), He took me out on the Atlantic, shook me by the shoulders and said, “look.”
It started with post-mission trip depression. I didn’t want to read the Word, didn’t want to pray, didn’t want to serve, nothing. The sea showed me why relating to God is more difficult (for me) in the U.S. than in Ukraine. God is not safe. Obviously, I love the ocean, but I was reminded today that the ocean overpowers me. A bad storm, strong current, boat issues- so many things can go wrong, and quick. The ocean’s not tame. You need to maintain a healthy fear of it, because becoming comfortable can have deadly results.
It’s the same with God. In Erasing Hell, Francis Chan says, “I hate to sound as if I’m singling out the church in America, but it’s where I live. And I have seen enough of His church in other countries to know that not everyone lives like us. In fact, few do. We have become dangerously comfortable- believers ooze with wealth and let their addictions to comfort and security numb the radical urgency of the gospel.” This is so true! Comfort is our ultimate; we can’t stand any alternatives, even God, so we “change” Him to fit in our comfortable sphere. I am so guilty of this.
Though a simple read syntactically, the subject matter of Erasing Hell surfaced my deepest issues with God. I wanted Chan to explain God and why Hell exists in a way I could understand and fit into my view of justice. Ha. Instead, Chan points to scripture, reminding me that God is God, and I am not. He has the right to do whatever He wants. If I think God is unjust, then it’s my justice system that’s screwed up, not His. If I doubt God’s goodness, then it’s my understanding that’s at fault. This was hard for me to grasp, being someone who seeks understanding in everything and depends on her own reasoning. But oh, the freedom that lies in taking hold of this truth! As the ocean far out-powers me, so God does infinitely more. “Who are you, oh man, to answer back to God?” (Romans 9:20). He is the creator of justice, who am I to judge?
This may seem depressing and even scary; it did to me. I can’t argue with God because He’s in control, so I can only succumb and tremble. But the God of justice is also a good God! Rich in mercy, abundant in love! Riding at the bow of the boat after a day off-shore, I witnessed the most magnificent sunset I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying a lot). The vibrant, lush colors literally proclaimed the beauty and majesty of the Lord. How can I not rejoice that the God who reveals Himself in such a sight is also the God who wields power that controls the sea? No, He’s not safe, but He’s good.