"now I have some clarity to show you what I mean..."

I always thought it was fear of being rejected, but now I realize that it's pride, and that's a painful confession. But I have to embrace it, my responsibility is too great, and the stakes are too high.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

God likes to speak to me through music...

Emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)

I wonder...

Cosmic questions for the void:
Is it because I have made myself repulsive? Unavailable? Cold maybe? Am I afraid? If so, why? Will it only get worse? Am I deceived? Or am I the one deceiving? Do I know too much? Too little? Nothing at all?

A piece from my dear friend, Emily:

"Mirth is the mail of anguish,
In which it caution arm,
Lest anybody spy the blood
And “You ’re hurt” exclaim!"

And a piece from me:

Do sigh
But not too loud,
Suppressed expression
A necessity
To aught excite a crowd

Your eyes

Green eyes sink into the deep
Sea monsters in them make me weep.
I still remember when green eyes were blue,
Before the gruesome sea seeped through, and tainted their hue

"Someday, we're gonna dance with those lions..."

I've been rereading the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis for, I don't know, the dozenth time. Anyway, this hit me hard.
"Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, 'Susan.' Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. 'You have listened to fears, child,' said Aslan. 'Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them.'"

Some thoughts that have weighted heavy on my mind, but I'm too tired to explain.

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal....

And I have loved thee, ocean! and my joy
Of youthful sports was on thy breast to be
Borne, like thy bubbles, onward; from a boy
I wantoned with thy breakers -- they to me
Were a delight; and if the freshening sea
Made them a terror -- 'twas a pleasing fear,
For I was as it were a child of thee,
And trusted to thy billows far and near,
And laid my hand upon thy mane -- as I do here."

"Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find the ground
Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away
From this crazy world"

"Long walks in the dark
through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream."

"What I'd give to return to the life that I knew lately, but I know that I can't solve my problems going back..."

The frigid Minnesota rain nipped at our cheeks as Maggie and I ran through the mud and up the slippery wood steps leading to "The Big Cabin." Laughing and out of breath I yanked open the screen door and let it slam shut with a twang behind us. "They're here! We can start the movie now" called out one of my many cousins, who were crammed into the damp room. We carefully maneuvered around the pile of wet, muddy shoes and made our way to an empty spot on the gritty, carpet floor. As I swiped a pillow from the couch I was leaning against and tried to get comfortable, the opening scene of Gladiator (it was always either Gladiator or Jurassic Park) appeared on the TV screen. I reflected on the numerous other rainy July nights when we had come together to watch a movie because the weather drove us inside.
That's why I loved this place; things never changed. Every year we had the same routine starting with a big breakfast of either pancakes or eggs and hash browns. Then we would have water-balloon fights and bounce on the giant black inner tube until our uncles got back from golfing. They were the only ones who could drive the boats. Next came the most monumental part of the whole day, tubing out on the lake. My cousin, Maggie and I lived for it (as our fathers did before us). We would spend hours riding over white-capped waves, gripping the tube with bloodless knuckles as the boat whipped us in circles. We laughed and screamed through gritted teeth so that we wouldn't chop off our tongues as the tube slapped against the icy water. A typical day of that July 4th week would then end with a huge tent dinner of scallop potatoes and ham with watered down fruit punch that always left bright red mustaches on kids' faces. In the evening, all the cousins in my age group would shoot off firecrackers, go for a walk under the stars, play mafia, or watch a movie if it was raining.
I awoke groggily and sat up. We had all fallen asleep halfway through the movie (we always did). Now the movie was over. Everyone was slowly getting up and filing out of the room and into the windy night to return to their own cabins. I grimaced as I felt a prickling needle-like sensation overpower my arm, which had fallen asleep under the weight of a cousin's head.
Once Maggie and I were settled in the lumpy pullout couch bed that had a metal bar sticking out in the middle (the same bed we always had when we stayed at my cabin), we huddled close and Maggie whispered with a sigh, "Isn't it wonderful how nothing ever changes here?" I knew exactly what she meant.
It wasn't as if nothing ever changed. We didn't hunt for minnows and live on candy cigarettes and blue and pink tart suckers like we did when we were younger, but the kids who were now the age we were then did. Each age group had its own routine. The kids bounced on the giant inner tube, feasted on cheap candy from "The Candy Store" (we never knew it's real name) because for some reason parents weren't as concerned about healthy diets while at the lakes. The kids also fished for minnows with tiny nets and made mud castles. The teenagers went tubing, jumped off of the bridge into the river, played volleyball, mafia, spoons, and, of course, watched Jurassic Park or Gladiator, while the adults took the kids out on the boats, cooked meals together, told stories around the bond fire, golfed, and played Catchphrase or Taboo. This had always been the routine, the one I was following, the one my father followed, and the one my grandmother had followed. It really wasn't any different. It was the same spirit, the same activities. The roles were the only thing that switched. Back home things were always changing, school, friends, surroundings; nothing stayed the same for very long. Everything was affected by the erosion of time, but not here. This family reunion had become the one thing I could depend on. It had become my comfort, my refuge. Though minor changes might occur, the unchangeable spirit of love, family, and joy, would always remain. I needed that. Though I had not understood it as a child, I knew now how much I needed this place, this family, this stability.
I smiled and took a deep breath, inhaling the same old, comfortable smell of mothballs emitting from the worn out mattress. "Yes, it is wonderful", I mumbled as I rolled over and went blissfully to sleep.