I miss her. I knew the time was coming, I knew she was old, I tried to prepare myself, but I guess no one is ever really prepared for death. It hurts. I'm not angry, she died relatively peacefully and lived a long life, and I'm so grateful that I got to have her, it's been a fairy tale come true for me to own a horse. I prayed so hard for her, she was all I could ever hope for. My miracle, my answer to prayer, a gift from God. But all that doesn't make it stop hurting. I know she was just an animal and that I didn't get to spend much time with her so my life hasn't drastically changed, but she was a part of my life for 11 years, and I loved her, and amazingly enough she loved me too. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, like someone knocked me out and I've woke up head throbbing trying to figure out where I am. I feel like a part of me has died, because in many ways it has. She was a comfort to me as silly as it sounds. I told her all my problems and joys throughout my childhood and even though she couldn't understand, now that she's gone I feel so lonely, like a friend has died. She was my friend, as silly as it sounds. I could feel miserable, but always found such comfort in just leaning against her with my head buried in her coat, smelling her sour, earthy, warm scent and being soothed by her breathing, her shivers, her sighs, her softness, her perfectly shaped ears, the way her spongy pink tongue would hang out of her mouth a little bit when she'd take a long drink... everything. I miss her! I find so little comfort in memories, in pictures, in her nameplate we nailed into the tree near the spot she died and is buried, I'm glad I have those things, but I want HER. I feel like my childhood has died with her. I have reconciled myself to letting go of my childhood dreams, but through Robin, those dreams could still live on. She was the solid, living representation of all my dreams, and now, they're all gone, really gone, with her. And I can't help but feel guilty. I should've spent more time with her, should've enjoyed her more. How I wish I had gone and seen her last weekend! I knew each time I saw her that it could be the last so I tried to say goodbye each time but I never really meant it. I wish I could've been there with her in the end, to reassure her that I love her, not that she'd really cared the way a person would, but I think she would've liked it all the same, I know I would've. To be able to really say goodbye. To hug her one more time, smell her one more time, see her one more time. I can't imagine going to the Ranch and knowing she's not there to greet me as I drive up, to have to face that mound and come to grips with the fact that that's all that's left of her...I am so thankful for all the good times I've had with her, such wonderful memories! She was my answered prayer. Now she's gone. GONE. I know it's not true but I feel like everything in my life is memories, I'm so sick of memories! I'm young, my life isn't over, but I feel like it is! Dance, Robin, the church, everything that made up my childhood is gone. All my dreams, gone. I know that this is a preparation for the dreams that God has planned for me, He has stripped me so now I can follow His glorious dreams for me,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
But I still FEEl naked, utterly exposed, as if have just had the horrifying revelation that I don't know myself at all.
And quite simply...
I just miss her so much.
