"I am defenceless utterly"

This is sort of a part two if you will of my previous blog...
God has thrown some, well, interesting events into my life in quick succession, I still don't know what they all mean, or if they're supposed to mean anything, but they have certainly made me think.

[enter Thoughts]

I feel (yes, it's a curse I know) like I'm being stripped. God is taking/allowing things in my life to be taken away so that now I feel frail. I waver in the biting wind that whistles through my cracked skin. Granted, I am still blessed with sooooo much, I know that I am going through NOTHING compared to most people, so I don't want to get stuck in self pity, but I feel as if these minor things have touched upon deeper things I have struggled with nearly my whole life, and it is those things that are actually weakening me.

[enter Issue]

As I said in my previous blog, I am trapped. Here is the great struggle: I crave God. His love, His forgiveness, His presence. I know I have these things, I have felt Him move in my life, but I have never been satisfied. I know that all the satisfaction I could ever desire is in Him, but somehow I cannot find it.

[enter Struggle]

I cannot find it. That is the problem. I cannot. Because I do not have the kind of relationship with God that I long for, I have tried to do all that is in my power to attain it, this is stupid, I know, I have no power. All that I could ever do would not earn God's approval. And yet, I know God cannot be at fault, so it must be me that is defective, it must be something that I have or have not done, someone I am or am not, that is blocking me from the fullness of God's love. I am caught in a never ending triangle, the struggle between not being close to God, it not being God's fault, and there being nothing I can do about it. "I am defenceless utterly"

[enter Repercussions]

Because I am not being satisfied in God, I struggle with seeking fulfillment elsewhere, through other people/things/events. "If Christ is not constantly before you, you soul will go in quiet search of other lovers." The result is obvious. Of course I cannot find satisfaction elsewhere, I am bitterly disappointed each and every time. I have tried to pretend I am satisfied, or to tell myself that I am asking for too much, but of course that does not work either. I then hate myself, I refuse to forgive myself, thinking that I am useless and untouchable. I feel desperately alone. And yet, I know, against all emotion or fleshly logic, that God is good, that He loves me, that He has forgiven me and that this will not last forever. It is not immediate comfort, but it is a hope to look forever forward to.

[enter Conclusion]

And so, because I am literally stuck and have no other alternative, and because of what I believe God my be speaking to me through His word, I shall wait. The more I try to fix it the more I tangle the wires. I'm not going to try and find the answers, if God wants me to know them He will tell me Himself.

[enter Hope]

"The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear Him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children"

A kindred spirit recently told me, as low as it gets, it will go high. In this way I can relish the farther I sink, knowing that I shall only rise that much higher.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near

I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Whom then shall I fear

OH no You never let go through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go, through every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is comin' for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these struggles
But until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the Earth

And i can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
and there will be and end to these struggles
but until that day comes
Still I will praise You
Still I will praise You.

[exit all]