This has not yet been written for many reasons; partially because of busy nothings, but more so because God has been showing me so many little tid bits that I've been too overwhelmed, and too uncertain to try to piece it all together. It's as if God is revealing vibrant threads and painful needles (too many for my fickle, fragile heart to properly appreciate)that He will use to weave me. I am lost in colors and pinpricks. Usually, I love to delve into interpretation, but have been so grotesquely wrong in the past that (hopefully) I have finally learned my lesson to wait and see what He will do (or perhaps I'm just to tired to try to figure it out anymore). Either way, here are glimmers of the tidbits, just as they are, this time I will wait for God to explain. (these tidbits are mostly from the Word and from Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Eliot)

"When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die"
"little deaths have to be died just as great ones do" -this has been enormous for me, I've been studying scripture on living day by day, dying to the flesh day by day, submitting to God's will day by day, suffering for His Name day by day, glorying in His goodness day by day...
"If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."
"many deaths must go into our reaching that measure"
As depressing as all this daily dying seemed at first, I later learned that I am not called to die just to die, but to die so that I may live. God created death so that we may not live eternally in sin. When the sprout is called to break forth the acorn must die, when the fruit is called to develop the buds first must die, when the oak spreads its seeds the fruit first must die. That has been a great encouragement. And there is a greater beauty in it, because it hurts, because it is constant it is valuable; "I will not offer my God sacrifices that have cost me nothing."

Also, offering my loneliness as a sweet sacrifice to God, every time I feel the pang of it, I have the opportunity to give it to God saying "You are worth my suffering, little and meager as it is"
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer?"

Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength"

I am so often lead by my emotions, not by the Spirit. I really want/need this to change, I long to be steadfast in the Lord, unwavering, and solid. "Hold us in strength, and hold us still"

"So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning: that is not worthy of the name 'for no polluted thing can be offered'." This is where I'm at. I've been asking God for something for quite some time, something perfectly healthy and right, but He has denied me. I've been frustrated with Him, "why can't I have it? You have created me to desire it, it is important for every person's spiritual growth, there is nothing wring with it, and nothing wrong with having it now! Haven't I waited long enough?" But God knows what He is doing, and if all this is only to make me fully depend on Him, to offer holy sacrifices to Him, to trust Him, then so be it.

Psalm 62:5-6 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
Amen.

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home"
- Broken by Lifehouse