Uncle James

Well, in many ways this was harder than I expected. Reality hit home. He's gone. The thing I have been praying against for over 10 years has happened. Then again, there is hope; I do not know where his heart was in the end. I'm not handling it the way I feared; I'm not mad at God, I am not in agony about where Uncle James is like I have for many sleepless nights over the years. I guess that's a good thing, but maybe it's just because my mind refuses to go there, and I'm too exhausted and depressed to feel angry. But God has given me a good example through David, I'm sure you know the story:
"The LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate." David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead." Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate. His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?"

So no more praying for Uncle James. I'll miss it, weird as it sounds. I still have many more family members to pray for, and that I think was the hardest part for me. They are so lost, they do not see that they are heading down the same path, especially Jamie. She' such a mess, she's so hurt, starving for love and comfort, but I love her, I do not want to see her life end in the same way! I am so afraid. And her 2 beautiful boys are so precious. Dylan knows more about the mess in her life than he lets on, he's only 7 buts seems to be going on 20! He asked Aunt Tina,
"Papa is never going to be here anymore is he?"
"No baby."
"So now it's only you (Aunt Tina), Joel (her son), and April (Joel's girlfriend)?
"Yes sweetheart."
"So Joel has to be the man of the house now. I'll come over and help him if it gets hard."
The child's amazing.
Hugging Joel brought the most comfort for me actually. I've always felt my cousins didn't know how much I love and care for them, our lives are so different that it makes conversation awkward at times. But as we sobbed together he stroked my hair (always wanting to take care of others even though he was hurting the most), I knew we understood each other, that we both care more than we know how to express. Same way with all of them. Nothing brings people together like grief I guess. And Jesse! It broke my heart to see him broken and regretful over not forgiving Uncle James. And Aunt Tina, what a strong woman. She'd cry but when we all started to cry too she'd make us all wash are faces and cheer up. Even Kenny (the totally non sappy one) broke down and we laughed as he remembered how my eyebrows turned red when I cried as a kid. Uncle Jay actually gave me a hug. It's easy to overlook him but I've always tried to reach out. It seems like God moved in his heart. Move Lord! I love them all! Break the bondage of sin! Bring revival to my family!
It's just so hard to have this happen, a horrible ending I've begged God not to let happen. But glorious is God's salvation! I stand in awe of His unfathomable goodness.
This is from C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves:
"In God there is no hunger that needs to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give. God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven through the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath's sake, hitched up. This is the diagram of Love Himself, the inventor of all loves.”
God’s Truth will not allow me to be angry with Him, I know He is good despite circumstances, and He is Love, even when I do not understand. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Amen! The message today in church was healing as well. Mike Burg preached about looking past the surface and into the heart of the matter, he also talked about unanswered prayers, which was very good, even though it made me cry during the service (to the devastation of my pride, haha).
A kindred spirit told me, when grieving, go to the Psalms, true words!
“There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
‘Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.’
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
How marvelous that we can lavish in God’s mercy and be saved.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Thank you Lord!
Please pray for my family and me during this time, and for the salvation of my extended family.

(Here are the news articles on what happened, I’m tired of explaining details)

http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20090204/ARTICLES/902041003/0/GATORSSPECIAL03