Exposed

The climax occurred yesterday while I felt like shit. Literally. I frequently experience funks, and am learning how to deal with them, but this one destroyed me. What made me so miserable? A tiny instance I blew WAY out of proportion, but it caused me to seek out the real issue beneath the circumstance. I found what I "grasp."
Let's back up. Philippians 2 has always been one of my favorite passages of the Bible, (is it okay to have favorites in God's Word?) but reading it a few weeks ago slammed me with a deeper revelation.

Philippians
2:1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, [1] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, [2] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

You can glean so much from this passage, but what struck me this time was the word grasped. Jesus did not count equality with God as something to be grasped. I had always thought "grasp" in this context meant "reach for," that Jesus did not consider equality with God as something to reach for, because it cannot be obtained, and he was already "in the form of God" and so was already equal with God, so he didn't have to prove his equality by grasping it.
Although this is true, a word study revealed the word "grasp" in this context actually means "hold on." Jesus did not consider equality with God as something to hold on to. He let it go. Not meaning he lost his equality with God, but he forsook the rights of equality, something he already firmly held, for no other reason than to obey the Father and to save our souls.
For me, that's a world of difference. Jesus let go. Jesus let go. What was rightfully his, he let go... wow. How humbling. Hallelujah.
Then I asked myself, what am I grasping? If Jesus let go of what was rightfully his, who am I to hold on to anything? Especially considering I deserve nothing?
We come back to my feeling like shit yesterday. While tormenting myself over the tiny circumstance, I asked myself a question a dear friend often asks: can't you just let it go? It clicked. I wasn't letting this thing go, which means I was holding on to it, I was grasping it.
At the root of the tiny circumstance was this: I have set what those I love think of me as the bottom of my joy. I obsess with being in good standing with my friends and family. Is it good to have healthy relationships? Yes! To have them as the ultimate value in my life? No! It's lead me to care more about my appearance rather than my integrity.
And integrity is vital. Something else God is teaching me.

1 John 1
5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Light is truth (Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." -John 3:20-21), and so walking in the light is walking in the truth. Honest living, something I don't do. Walking in honesty means being vulnerable (a word my flesh detests most of all!), confessing our sin. Being vulnerable with people gains their trust and brings us into deeper fellowship with them. Not that we should tell each other every sin we've ever committed, but we should be characterized by honesty. Being honest about our sin also allows the blood of Jesus to cleanse our sin. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. This call to walk in the light does not mean to walk in perfection. For us, perfection is impossible; we can only pretend, and if we do that, then we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
This was HUGE for me. Walk in honesty, humility, vulnerability, and HE will make me clean by His abundant grace. I am not called to walk in righteousness on my own, then I only become a liar!

Please pray God continues to work this out in me. I want to walk exposed to the light, but I've still got a long way to get to freedom in this. Pray especially for me while I'm in Ukraine; I will not be a good leader if I can't serve others rather than use them to wrongly meet my needs, and I will never gain their trust unless I am vulnerable (and if you know me at all, vulnerable and I can only mix by a miracle of God!).