My mind has been terrifyingly chaotic as of late with so many thoughts I've wanted to blog but couldn't catch and organize into logical slots. Well, my mental state hasn't improved, but if I don't at least try to release something from my mind it will explode, implode, freeze, overheat, disintegrate... I don't know, but something awful.
So this will probably not make any sense. I apologize in advance.
You know, I thought I had finally figured out in what direction God wanted me to move, finally. But I gotta say, right now I'm pretty darn clueless, again. I was going to become a writer. Clearly God opened doors in that direction. And maybe I will become a writer, but honestly, I. hate. writing. No really. Poetry is difficult, but I love the challenge and the results so it's not too miserable, but anything else? Hate it. Creative writing? I'll spend 6 hours writing 3 pages of nonsense presented in miserable, ungrammatical, simple sentences. Analytical writing? I'll spend days compiling copious research, become an expert on the topic, then stare at a blank Word document for hours, write one sentence, wipe the blood off my brow and write another sentence hours later. Writing is certainly not my natural skill set. I can't even spell. I work hard, and I've learned much, but I'm not good at it.
Ukraine. I had this grand idea of going over there and teaching English after I graduate, but, uh, graduation is fast approaching and I still don't speak Russian. Who in their right mind would move to a country and not know the language? Denis called me out on that one yesterday while we were skyping. "It's not a good example," he said. and he's right. How dare I try and teach people my language when I can't even speak theirs? And then there's the orphans. My soul aches for the kids I met this summer. I desperately wanted to rescue them. I prayed fervently that God would allow me to contact them again. Then I was invited back to Ukraine in January, to one of the orphanages I went to this summer! God had answered my prayers! He was going to give me my heart's desire! Yesterday I found out we are now going to a completely new orphanage, far away from the kids I love. And. we're not spending much of our time with the orphans because of other ministry we will do. Not gonna lie, I felt a bit betrayed by God. I mean, I was fine with not going back to Ukraine; I knew He loved the kids more than I and they were in His hands, but to allow me to hope and almost give me my dream only to dash it? It seemed cruel.
Fortunately, He didn't let me stay in that place for long. He met me tonight. I don't have any idea how to accurately express how, but it was a moment more sweet and beautiful than any this world can offer. I was driving home from my first Winter With the Writers intern meeting, stressing out hardcore. This internship will be -to put it mildly- intense. But in the middle of my stress, God spoke to me. You've got it all wring love; let me reframe it for you. This internship isn't about you being an amazing writer and the top of your class, this internship is an opportunity to love people, to show them how much I love them, to serve them like I serve you. He painted a stunning, precious picture of life, true purposeful life! My burdens melted under the beauty of Him. Life isn't about me, hallelujah!! Life is so much bigger than me! The Lord, my Lord, LOVES me. me! Even though I treat Him horribly, He loves me. He wants me to play a part in His beautiful, meaningful plan for restoration of the whole world! There is so much I don't know in this world, so much I will never measure up to, but I know this, more than it is possible for me to know anything else. The beautiful creator of all that exists knows my name, and He loves me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
We've been discussing narratives and frames in my classes this past week, and I realized something. Humans are limited. I'm limited (cue music: "I'm limited, just look at me. I'm liiiiiiiiiiiiiimited"....). No matter how much information I take in, I will never know everything, and therefore can never make a true assessment or judgement of anything, because I do not know it completely. Not history, not science, not culture, nothing can truly be interpreted without being fully known. We all see through a frame. Granted, some people's frames are larger than others, but it's still a frame- limited vision. The only way to remove a frame, is to be omniscient. So ya know what most people do once they realize this? They become extremely depressed and decide truth is relative, we all create our own truth based on our own limited perspectives. Meaning is created. It's what makes story different than event. The events of our life happen, but as soon as we reflect on them, any time we tell our story, we're creating purpose and meaning, so life only means what we want it too, which is basically saying life doesn't really mean anything at all because meaning is not universal. BUT, there is good news! Yes, we are limited and can never fully understand anything, but we can know the person who does know all things! The person who is not limited by any frames because He is the first and the last, He knows all that was, is, and is to come! What's more than that, He's created a story! A story that does have universal meaning and purpose, a story that He invites us into! Isn't this glorious?! For a girl who relies far to heavily on her own intellect, this is such freeing and wonderful news! I don't have to figure everything out, I CAN'T even if I killed myself trying! AND YET I can know truth! I know Him intimately! and He loves me! Praise the Lord of all the earth!
So this will probably not make any sense. I apologize in advance.
You know, I thought I had finally figured out in what direction God wanted me to move, finally. But I gotta say, right now I'm pretty darn clueless, again. I was going to become a writer. Clearly God opened doors in that direction. And maybe I will become a writer, but honestly, I. hate. writing. No really. Poetry is difficult, but I love the challenge and the results so it's not too miserable, but anything else? Hate it. Creative writing? I'll spend 6 hours writing 3 pages of nonsense presented in miserable, ungrammatical, simple sentences. Analytical writing? I'll spend days compiling copious research, become an expert on the topic, then stare at a blank Word document for hours, write one sentence, wipe the blood off my brow and write another sentence hours later. Writing is certainly not my natural skill set. I can't even spell. I work hard, and I've learned much, but I'm not good at it.
Ukraine. I had this grand idea of going over there and teaching English after I graduate, but, uh, graduation is fast approaching and I still don't speak Russian. Who in their right mind would move to a country and not know the language? Denis called me out on that one yesterday while we were skyping. "It's not a good example," he said. and he's right. How dare I try and teach people my language when I can't even speak theirs? And then there's the orphans. My soul aches for the kids I met this summer. I desperately wanted to rescue them. I prayed fervently that God would allow me to contact them again. Then I was invited back to Ukraine in January, to one of the orphanages I went to this summer! God had answered my prayers! He was going to give me my heart's desire! Yesterday I found out we are now going to a completely new orphanage, far away from the kids I love. And. we're not spending much of our time with the orphans because of other ministry we will do. Not gonna lie, I felt a bit betrayed by God. I mean, I was fine with not going back to Ukraine; I knew He loved the kids more than I and they were in His hands, but to allow me to hope and almost give me my dream only to dash it? It seemed cruel.
Fortunately, He didn't let me stay in that place for long. He met me tonight. I don't have any idea how to accurately express how, but it was a moment more sweet and beautiful than any this world can offer. I was driving home from my first Winter With the Writers intern meeting, stressing out hardcore. This internship will be -to put it mildly- intense. But in the middle of my stress, God spoke to me. You've got it all wring love; let me reframe it for you. This internship isn't about you being an amazing writer and the top of your class, this internship is an opportunity to love people, to show them how much I love them, to serve them like I serve you. He painted a stunning, precious picture of life, true purposeful life! My burdens melted under the beauty of Him. Life isn't about me, hallelujah!! Life is so much bigger than me! The Lord, my Lord, LOVES me. me! Even though I treat Him horribly, He loves me. He wants me to play a part in His beautiful, meaningful plan for restoration of the whole world! There is so much I don't know in this world, so much I will never measure up to, but I know this, more than it is possible for me to know anything else. The beautiful creator of all that exists knows my name, and He loves me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
We've been discussing narratives and frames in my classes this past week, and I realized something. Humans are limited. I'm limited (cue music: "I'm limited, just look at me. I'm liiiiiiiiiiiiiimited"....). No matter how much information I take in, I will never know everything, and therefore can never make a true assessment or judgement of anything, because I do not know it completely. Not history, not science, not culture, nothing can truly be interpreted without being fully known. We all see through a frame. Granted, some people's frames are larger than others, but it's still a frame- limited vision. The only way to remove a frame, is to be omniscient. So ya know what most people do once they realize this? They become extremely depressed and decide truth is relative, we all create our own truth based on our own limited perspectives. Meaning is created. It's what makes story different than event. The events of our life happen, but as soon as we reflect on them, any time we tell our story, we're creating purpose and meaning, so life only means what we want it too, which is basically saying life doesn't really mean anything at all because meaning is not universal. BUT, there is good news! Yes, we are limited and can never fully understand anything, but we can know the person who does know all things! The person who is not limited by any frames because He is the first and the last, He knows all that was, is, and is to come! What's more than that, He's created a story! A story that does have universal meaning and purpose, a story that He invites us into! Isn't this glorious?! For a girl who relies far to heavily on her own intellect, this is such freeing and wonderful news! I don't have to figure everything out, I CAN'T even if I killed myself trying! AND YET I can know truth! I know Him intimately! and He loves me! Praise the Lord of all the earth!
3 comments:
He is glorious indeed!
I love you and amen.
you. are such a treasure! oh comrade, how i needed a bigger frame. thank you, from one who also thinks too much and relies far too heavily on her very small intellect.
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