Bitterness

Well, I thought I'd been through this already.  I had (here's proof:  http://www.behindthepurpleprose.blogspot.com/2009/05/i-do-understand-i-know-now.html  ), but not fully.

I've been reading through Isaiah the past few months, and today I finished.  Isaiah 66:9 is a well read verse in my Bible, but the truth hasn't yet taken hold of me, still.  I've let bitterness well up inside of my heart like a pool of poison.  I've played the victim and denied the life and joy God gave to me.

"Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?
says the Lord;
Shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?
says your God." 


God brings life, not death, from our pain.  But I didn't, and sometimes still don't, trust His promise.  I was like a pregnant woman expecting a miscarriage.  I didn't go shopping for baby clothes, dream of what name I would give my child, count down the days until my little one would be born, grab someone's hand excitedly and place it on my belly when I felt the baby kick... when I was ill with morning sickness, exhausted, in pain, I suffered without hope or anticipating joy.  It would all amount to nothing.  What was the point?  Nothing would come from my pain but death.

I've called God a liar.  But God does not lie.  He does not bring me through the pain of labor for nothing.  Life is growing within me, God will birth new life from me.  He will not shut the womb.

This changes everything.  In hope I can suffer and yet rejoice because the pain means new life is coming.    My God does not let me suffer for nothing.  He is not cruel.  He speaks tenderly to me.  He restores my soul.  He has given me a beautiful inheritance.  He deals bountifully with me.

Hallelujah.