"It should be so exciting, to be out in the world, to be free! My heart should be wildly rejoicing... Oh what's the matter with me?"
Today I graduated from Rollins with a BA degree. I should be thrilled. I am thrilled. But, I'm also (pathetic and nerdish as it may be) heartbroken. I hate change. I've always hated it. I know God has many beautiful things ahead, but right now, I only want to focus on the loss. I've spent 5 difficult, glorious years at Rollins, especially this past semester. I'm a learner at heart and love overcoming challenges and working through deep concepts. I've identified myself as a student my whole life... now what? God knows, and I do completely trust Him in that. But it's still hard for me to face change. I feel like I did when we moved from our old house. We were moving to a bigger, more beautiful house and I wouldn't have to share a room anymore, but the actual move tore me up. Grabbing hold of one thing means letting go of another. It's the same problem I had with growing up. Sure I could drive a car, but I couldn't enjoy carousels. That bothered me so much. I don't know why. I'm just silly like that.
Today I graduated from Rollins with a BA degree. I should be thrilled. I am thrilled. But, I'm also (pathetic and nerdish as it may be) heartbroken. I hate change. I've always hated it. I know God has many beautiful things ahead, but right now, I only want to focus on the loss. I've spent 5 difficult, glorious years at Rollins, especially this past semester. I'm a learner at heart and love overcoming challenges and working through deep concepts. I've identified myself as a student my whole life... now what? God knows, and I do completely trust Him in that. But it's still hard for me to face change. I feel like I did when we moved from our old house. We were moving to a bigger, more beautiful house and I wouldn't have to share a room anymore, but the actual move tore me up. Grabbing hold of one thing means letting go of another. It's the same problem I had with growing up. Sure I could drive a car, but I couldn't enjoy carousels. That bothered me so much. I don't know why. I'm just silly like that.
1 comment:
not silly. i get that feeling of "i know God has better plans ahead, but i can't see them...so all i feel and see is the loss".
you'll always be learning. i love you.
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