When the words become too heavy *this* spills out

How do I write out the depths of my soul echoing in that scene? in the sun sparkling off crinkled flecks of water? the mixture of cool breeze and hot rays like unstirred coffee and cream? the hum and whistle of wind cut by fishing lines and rigging? the baking of bare, calloused feet? the dance of light waves rippling on ship bows and the soothing lap of waves against hulls? the creak of swaying masts? the sea-colored sky with white-capped clouds?  The haunting cry of one gull becomes a chorus of cries, over 20 years suddenly synchronized into one devastating moment. = My childhood.  I read myself in these scenes. my father. my grandfather.  Every story I read, heard, dreamed of when life was indulged in beauty and I never measured it.  Beauty.  Life.  I've been handed armfuls of beauty; my storehouse bursts with it.  I will need those reserves.  In darkness and despair I will need to pull out these remembrances of beauty like a bit of chocolate from my pocket, unravel the wrapper and slowly suck on one little piece at a time.  

FLESH: Hope hurts. You will never give me my heart's desire. I will remained caged. Everyone else will go off and conquer the world for Your kingdom, but You will keep me here forever. __________________________________________________________ TRUTH: "You can hold onto the hope that I will not change what I have promised." -Hebrews 6:17-18 "For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" -Isaiah 14:27 "Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it." -Job 40:2 "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." -Psalm 3:3 "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." -Psalm 16:5-6 "If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all." -Isaiah 7:9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9 "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him." -Lamentations 3:25 "Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord, or what man shows Him his counsel? Whom did He consult, and who made Him understand?" -Isaiah 40:13-14 "Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth? says the Lord." -Isaiah 66:9 "You are God's field, God's building." - 1 Cor. 3:9 "May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." - 2 Thess. 3:5 "you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." - James 1:2 "But I am not ashamed, for I know Whom I have believed, and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." - 2 Tim. 1:12

***

 I'm not playing this game again. I don't have the energy to be angry at You, even though everything in my flesh wants to give up and spew bitterness in Your face. I have to hold on to Your promises. *This* is the place deeper than my feet have ever wandered. So in the deeps, I will trust You.  Thank You.

"But there's music in us..."

"It is no surprise
that danger and suffering surround us.
What astonishes is the singing." - Jack Gilbert, "Hoses at Midnight Without a Moon"

The effects of sin continue to astonish me.  They shouldn't, really, but they do.  A mother who exploits her children, two brothers who blow people up, AIDS, child soldiers, 27 million people trapped in slavery, warring, burning, ailing, wailing with suffer matter...
It's easy for me to despair, to be overcome by evil, to gasp and shake my fist at God, "where is justice!?
But really, what should shock me (especially if I truly care about justice as much as I claim) is the beauty, the singing.  The world is shattered, suffering naturally spews from the shards.  Sin is gruesome and devastating.  We created this.  We deserve this.
Yet there is singing.  There is beauty, beautiful things rising from the ashes.  Beauty does not belong here.  We are unworthy of her.
Do we realize the value of beauty?  Do we realize we cannot realize it?  How undeserving we are and how that makes beauty all the more beautiful?  All the more incredible?

***

     "Did you read it?" she asked, but she did not look at me.  Her eyes were fixed to the words.
     I nodded.  "Many times."
     "Could you understand it?"
     And at that point, there was a great pause.
     A few cars drove by, each way.  Their drivers were Hitlers and Hubermanns, and Maxes, killers, Dillers, and Steiners...
     I wanted to tell the book thief many things, about beauty and brutality.  But what could I tell her about those things that she didn't already know?  I wanted to explain that I am constantly overestimating and underestimating the human race -- that rarely do I ever simply estimate it.  I wanted to ask her how the same thing could be so ugly and so glorious, and it's words and stories so damning and brilliant.
     None of those things, however, came out of my mouth.
     All I was able to do was turn to Liesel Meminger and tell her the only truth I truly know.  I said it to the book thief and I say it now to you.

                                         

                                  ***A LAST NOTE FROM YOUR NARRATOR***

                                                       I am haunted by humans.

If you haven't already guessed, that's from The Book Thief (which if you haven't read, get thee to a bookstore, or library, or friend's house, or my house, or anywhere you need to go in order to get this book and READ IT NOW).  Of course, it's fiction.  Death isn't really haunted by humans.  And yet, there's resounding truth in that passage.  Humans are nefarious, brutal creatures.  Still, we carry the image of God.  Just an image, but an image of the beautiful, holy, GOD.  And He is generous with us, infusing beauty into the chaos caused by our own selfishness and wickedness.  Of course, there's so much more to the story, the Gospel, the death of death, but I want to take a moment and simply be in awe of beauty, to dwell on the wonder of its very existence among us.  I don't want to gasp in   shock when I encounter brutality in this world -- I'd rather gasp in awe when I encounter beauty.  Because beauty is a taste of eternity.  Brutality will be wiped away and remembered no more.  Take heart!  Do not be overcome!  Behold!  All things will be made new.  We will see the Creator of beauty face-to-face and never have to turn our gaze from His stunning radiance. (Okay, so maybe a little Gospel sneaked in anyway.  Sorry, I can't help it. :) )

The taste of eternity

Darlin', one who gives me joy, You don't yet believe Me.  You don't have to ask anything of Me.  I know what you need, knew what you'd need before you were even you.  Remember My promises?   They anchor your soul.  Because I am faithful to complete what I have promised.  Taste.  See.  Hear.  Feel.  Know.  -- I am good.  eternally, fully, perfectly good.  I'm not impressed with you.  I adore you.  Because you're Mine.  And you are Mine forever.  Yes, I am stripping you of those things.  They would kill you.  But I will not let death devour you.  I want you to live, to see the true Kingdom that IS coming.  And it's coming oh so soon.  And it will be beautiful.  Oh, so beautiful.  All things will be made new.  I know you don't understand what that means because you've never seen new. But I was there in the beginning.  I made the first new, and I will renew.  You've tasted the newness of eternity; I made you new.  Your old, cracked, dead self has gone; I breathed life into you.  It is my hot breath that fills your lungs.  And I love you.  I love you.  I love you.  I am your Father.  I named you.  You bring Me joy.  And I love you.  Will you not see it?  The valley is difficult and filled with pain.  But I go before you, I am your rear guard, I am by your side.  You don't have to walk alone.  You obviously can't.  I never intended for you to, because I know you can't.  Trust Me this time?  Don't assume I'm going to fail you?  Have I ever failed you?  Remember the thrilling joy of trusting Me because I'm Me and not because of your circumstances?

What a befitting day to get my tat touched up.
[Translation: today my hope was restored]

I'm not stuck.

Sometimes I need a lily to remind me.

"I believe and know that God prepared a great path for you. Extremely hard, but wonderful! Amidst all hurt and hardships search for Him and He will deliver! Cause this is the way He refines our heart as gold. High quality gold is like a mirror, when the craftsman who melted it looked at it, he saw his reflection in it. This is how he knew that this was gold of the highest quality. The same thing with our hearts – they should reflect our Craftsman only." 

Спасибо, Лилия

In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

(So it's still a little red and puffy and the color hasn't faded to brown yet, but I just couldn't wait any longer to post a picture!)

"So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the {unchangeable character} of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have STRONG encouragement to *hold fast* to the hope set before us. We (have) this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters>> into the (inner place) behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek." ~Hebrews 6:17-20

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander...

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

I want the Lord to rampage my life, bursting through me though it breaks me into a million tender pieces.  More of me can be engulfed by Him if I'm in shards rather than one piece.  I no longer want to cling to my carefully built and heavily guarded self image- cool, collected, clean, presentable, strong.  I want to be wrecked, alive, gushing and vulnerable and messy and broken so that God's power and love may move unhindered by my pride and fear.  I'm so tired of clinging to fear and pride, but I don't know how to let go.  I can profess abandonment, I can act out abandonment, but I am still not fully abandoned. 

"But now in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought (near) by the blood of Christ."  He has brought me near to Him.  It is too beautiful.  His blood has brought me near.  I don't feel near at all tonight, haven't for a few weeks now, but that doesn't change my nearness to Him.  I can never be far from Him because my nearness entirely relies on His bringing me near.  I know no other lover who would have met me [here] in this place, but He has.  He has.

Truth:  Burn this bone and tissue for I no longer want to be entangled in this sinew that hinders my reach toward You.

Deeper Truth:  “I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

“O death, where is your victory?

  O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be [steadfast], immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 1 Cor. 15:50-58