What does one do when one is too tired to sleep? Rewrite old poems

“No,” said the starling—“I can’t get out—I can’t get out,” said the starling."

Bastille

A starling confined inside my heart escaped
on the arched back
of a sudden sigh I carelessly
relinquished
It battered through my chest
through capilary walls
It turned
my inner set awry

Fresh air blowing cooly through
my trachea brushed
the bird's dotted feathers
The starling paused
twitched
and burst toward a spot of bright blueshine

I swallowed hard
and squeezed my breath
until the bird slid
slow
as
death
behind my rib
clasped back in place with a click.

СПАСИ И СОХРАНИ

My mind is full, but my hope is secure.  God is faithful.  Today He proved it yet again.
"An anchor for us is something that when you see it and encounter it, everything in your life changes, not for a day or a week, or years, but forever -- everything in your life is changed by it." -Louie Giglio

Jesus changed me. period.  He is the anchor for my tottering, storm-tossed soul.  It's a holy, sweet place to be, resting in His faithfulness.  Not easy, not clean, not rational, not comfortable, but oh, so sweet.

This morning, I wondered if I'm heading the right way, if it would be worth it, if it's just all in my head.
Go grab a Bible, read Romans 15.
So I did...

“We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.  Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.  For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.”  For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.  May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.

 For I tell you that Christ became a servant to the circumcised to show God's truthfulness, in order to confirm the promises given to the patriarchs,  and in order that the Gentiles might glorify God for his mercy…. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

I am called to bear with the failings of the weak.

I can because Christ did.  He bore MY failings.

He is building endurance and hope in me.

Abraham's stars are now my promises too.

God is true.

Good is merciful.

I will abound in authentic, weighty, powerful, Christ-filled hope.

hello 24

Broken Bread

May I be broken bread, may I be poured out wine

May I incarnate, Your kindness Lord

Spend my life Jesus, anyway You please

Whether on great things, or what seems small

Your will done your way

Your will done your way

Your will done your way

I will not fight You

Take me past the line that my heart draws

I will not fight You

Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts

I will not fight

Lead me further than I've gone before

I will not fight You

I'm abandoned to Your call

Do not let there be, any part of me

That’s untouchable, unreachable

Let my delight be, living out Your dreams

Washing dirty feet, and kissing yours

God let Your dreams come true, dream through us

God let Your dreams come true through us

His voice

"You have a choice, you know."
"Yes, actually, I do know.  You're terribly fond of giving choices, aren't You?  And for what?  I mean, has giving anyone a choice actually worked out for You?  Isn't choices what wrecked the world in the first place?"
"You can look at it that way if you want."
"It's the only way I know how to see it."
"But I've given you new eyes -- you can see it.  I don't ask you to do what I have not provided you the ability to do.  Yes, I let you choose, but I also suffered the consequences of your choice."
"You should hate me."
"I love you."
"Then why do this to me?  Why make it hurt so much?"
"I love you."
"Is that the only thing You can say?!"
"It's the only thing you need to hear."

When the words become too heavy *this* spills out

How do I write out the depths of my soul echoing in that scene? in the sun sparkling off crinkled flecks of water? the mixture of cool breeze and hot rays like unstirred coffee and cream? the hum and whistle of wind cut by fishing lines and rigging? the baking of bare, calloused feet? the dance of light waves rippling on ship bows and the soothing lap of waves against hulls? the creak of swaying masts? the sea-colored sky with white-capped clouds?  The haunting cry of one gull becomes a chorus of cries, over 20 years suddenly synchronized into one devastating moment. = My childhood.  I read myself in these scenes. my father. my grandfather.  Every story I read, heard, dreamed of when life was indulged in beauty and I never measured it.  Beauty.  Life.  I've been handed armfuls of beauty; my storehouse bursts with it.  I will need those reserves.  In darkness and despair I will need to pull out these remembrances of beauty like a bit of chocolate from my pocket, unravel the wrapper and slowly suck on one little piece at a time.  

FLESH: Hope hurts. You will never give me my heart's desire. I will remained caged. Everyone else will go off and conquer the world for Your kingdom, but You will keep me here forever. __________________________________________________________ TRUTH: "You can hold onto the hope that I will not change what I have promised." -Hebrews 6:17-18 "For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" -Isaiah 14:27 "Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it." -Job 40:2 "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." -Psalm 3:3 "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." -Psalm 16:5-6 "If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all." -Isaiah 7:9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9 "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him." -Lamentations 3:25 "Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord, or what man shows Him his counsel? Whom did He consult, and who made Him understand?" -Isaiah 40:13-14 "Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth? says the Lord." -Isaiah 66:9 "You are God's field, God's building." - 1 Cor. 3:9 "May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." - 2 Thess. 3:5 "you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." - James 1:2 "But I am not ashamed, for I know Whom I have believed, and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." - 2 Tim. 1:12

***

 I'm not playing this game again. I don't have the energy to be angry at You, even though everything in my flesh wants to give up and spew bitterness in Your face. I have to hold on to Your promises. *This* is the place deeper than my feet have ever wandered. So in the deeps, I will trust You.  Thank You.