"I am defenceless utterly"

This is sort of a part two if you will of my previous blog...
God has thrown some, well, interesting events into my life in quick succession, I still don't know what they all mean, or if they're supposed to mean anything, but they have certainly made me think.

[enter Thoughts]

I feel (yes, it's a curse I know) like I'm being stripped. God is taking/allowing things in my life to be taken away so that now I feel frail. I waver in the biting wind that whistles through my cracked skin. Granted, I am still blessed with sooooo much, I know that I am going through NOTHING compared to most people, so I don't want to get stuck in self pity, but I feel as if these minor things have touched upon deeper things I have struggled with nearly my whole life, and it is those things that are actually weakening me.

[enter Issue]

As I said in my previous blog, I am trapped. Here is the great struggle: I crave God. His love, His forgiveness, His presence. I know I have these things, I have felt Him move in my life, but I have never been satisfied. I know that all the satisfaction I could ever desire is in Him, but somehow I cannot find it.

[enter Struggle]

I cannot find it. That is the problem. I cannot. Because I do not have the kind of relationship with God that I long for, I have tried to do all that is in my power to attain it, this is stupid, I know, I have no power. All that I could ever do would not earn God's approval. And yet, I know God cannot be at fault, so it must be me that is defective, it must be something that I have or have not done, someone I am or am not, that is blocking me from the fullness of God's love. I am caught in a never ending triangle, the struggle between not being close to God, it not being God's fault, and there being nothing I can do about it. "I am defenceless utterly"

[enter Repercussions]

Because I am not being satisfied in God, I struggle with seeking fulfillment elsewhere, through other people/things/events. "If Christ is not constantly before you, you soul will go in quiet search of other lovers." The result is obvious. Of course I cannot find satisfaction elsewhere, I am bitterly disappointed each and every time. I have tried to pretend I am satisfied, or to tell myself that I am asking for too much, but of course that does not work either. I then hate myself, I refuse to forgive myself, thinking that I am useless and untouchable. I feel desperately alone. And yet, I know, against all emotion or fleshly logic, that God is good, that He loves me, that He has forgiven me and that this will not last forever. It is not immediate comfort, but it is a hope to look forever forward to.

[enter Conclusion]

And so, because I am literally stuck and have no other alternative, and because of what I believe God my be speaking to me through His word, I shall wait. The more I try to fix it the more I tangle the wires. I'm not going to try and find the answers, if God wants me to know them He will tell me Himself.

[enter Hope]

"The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear Him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children"

A kindred spirit recently told me, as low as it gets, it will go high. In this way I can relish the farther I sink, knowing that I shall only rise that much higher.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near

I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Whom then shall I fear

OH no You never let go through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go, through every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is comin' for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these struggles
But until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the Earth

And i can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
and there will be and end to these struggles
but until that day comes
Still I will praise You
Still I will praise You.

[exit all]

I Stand Upon the Brink

"I stand upon some dreadful brink , and it is utterly dark in the abyss before my feet, but whether there is any light behind me I cannot tell. For I cannot yet turn. I am waiting for some stroke of doom."

This is where I'm at right now. I know that hope and joy and peace await behind me. I long to turn around...but I cannot. I know I should, that I could, but every effort drains me of mobility. I cannot move.
Lord I need You to grab me firmly, reassuringly, and turn me around.
I surrender.
I cannot move.
I understand now that I can do nothing.
But You can do everything.
You are everything.

"How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?"

Who is like You oh Lord? Worthy of all praise.

I miss her

Ok, so this is going to be a swirling bloody incoherent mess but I could care less about structure and really need to just let go of some thoughts.
I miss her. I knew the time was coming, I knew she was old, I tried to prepare myself, but I guess no one is ever really prepared for death. It hurts. I'm not angry, she died relatively peacefully and lived a long life, and I'm so grateful that I got to have her, it's been a fairy tale come true for me to own a horse. I prayed so hard for her, she was all I could ever hope for. My miracle, my answer to prayer, a gift from God. But all that doesn't make it stop hurting. I know she was just an animal and that I didn't get to spend much time with her so my life hasn't drastically changed, but she was a part of my life for 11 years, and I loved her, and amazingly enough she loved me too. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, like someone knocked me out and I've woke up head throbbing trying to figure out where I am. I feel like a part of me has died, because in many ways it has. She was a comfort to me as silly as it sounds. I told her all my problems and joys throughout my childhood and even though she couldn't understand, now that she's gone I feel so lonely, like a friend has died. She was my friend, as silly as it sounds. I could feel miserable, but always found such comfort in just leaning against her with my head buried in her coat, smelling her sour, earthy, warm scent and being soothed by her breathing, her shivers, her sighs, her softness, her perfectly shaped ears, the way her spongy pink tongue would hang out of her mouth a little bit when she'd take a long drink... everything. I miss her! I find so little comfort in memories, in pictures, in her nameplate we nailed into the tree near the spot she died and is buried, I'm glad I have those things, but I want HER. I feel like my childhood has died with her. I have reconciled myself to letting go of my childhood dreams, but through Robin, those dreams could still live on. She was the solid, living representation of all my dreams, and now, they're all gone, really gone, with her. And I can't help but feel guilty. I should've spent more time with her, should've enjoyed her more. How I wish I had gone and seen her last weekend! I knew each time I saw her that it could be the last so I tried to say goodbye each time but I never really meant it. I wish I could've been there with her in the end, to reassure her that I love her, not that she'd really cared the way a person would, but I think she would've liked it all the same, I know I would've. To be able to really say goodbye. To hug her one more time, smell her one more time, see her one more time. I can't imagine going to the Ranch and knowing she's not there to greet me as I drive up, to have to face that mound and come to grips with the fact that that's all that's left of her...I am so thankful for all the good times I've had with her, such wonderful memories! She was my answered prayer. Now she's gone. GONE. I know it's not true but I feel like everything in my life is memories, I'm so sick of memories! I'm young, my life isn't over, but I feel like it is! Dance, Robin, the church, everything that made up my childhood is gone. All my dreams, gone. I know that this is a preparation for the dreams that God has planned for me, He has stripped me so now I can follow His glorious dreams for me,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
But I still FEEl naked, utterly exposed, as if have just had the horrifying revelation that I don't know myself at all.
And quite simply...
I just miss her so much.

Passion

I've been thinking about what drives my life, or at least what SHOULD drive my life, so here are some jumbled thoughts...

"The world is too much with us, late and soon...
We have givin our hearts away, a sordid boon!"

"you have abandoned the love that you had at first. You have deserted Me, your first love."

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends"

"They didn't love their lives so much as to shrink from death"

"They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them."

"it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?"
"It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts;
It's how did you fight and why?"

"It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,
But only, how did you die?"

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain..."

I want this to be the driving passion in my life, to live every moment for Christ out of love.

"To die for love? What could be more glorious?"

A poem I wrote a little while ago

I've got some things on my mind I want to blog about but am too tired and have no time, so for now this will suffice...

I sat in rain and talked to God.
He smoothed my many stony thoughts
Until each gleamed, like little gems.
And so my gems, and so the rain,
Both sparkled through my soul and skin.

"now I have some clarity to show you what I mean..."

I always thought it was fear of being rejected, but now I realize that it's pride, and that's a painful confession. But I have to embrace it, my responsibility is too great, and the stakes are too high.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

God likes to speak to me through music...

Emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)