You know how it feels coming off a merry-go-round? Spin-spin-spin-spin-spin-spin STOP. Ok, you think you're oriented... step, fall. The spinning continues- only in your head. You balance again, take a tentative step in the forward direction- nope. Fall. turns out "forward" was actually "down."
Or
When you're tubing: the boat whips sharp at the precise wave, perfect contact, tube goes flying, you go flying- spin-spin-spin-spin-spin BAM water. You can't breathe- the wind knocked out of you? or is that water you're gasping? You reach your arm up... down?
That, or something like it, is where I'm at. Just when the spinning stops and I think I've got a grip on my direction, I fall flat.
Weakness. to the uttermost. "and I don't mean like a couple of tears and I'm blue. I'm talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon,
but I'm a better man for having gone through it." (the Avetts say it well.)
"If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." ~C.S. Lewis
The finality of "so be it" has always inspired me- such steadfast and noble words. But these words are also fatal. often painful. no way out.
Praying, "Lord, have Your way" is the same way. That's not at all a bad thing; God is not cruel. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9. His way is better, better period, and better for me. I know that. in my head.
But I don't feel it. I feel atrocious things. Fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, abandonment, abuse... all towards a God who is gracious, who doesn't deal with me as I deserve, who endured unfathomable sacrifice so that I may know Him. He will not abandon me. "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." ~John 14:18. What amazes me is He can handle my resentment. He's not offended by my anger. He's bigger than my fear.
"Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!" ~ Psalm 25:6-7
I don't recite these words because I feel them; I NEED them.
I needed to hear this last night, I hope it speaks to you as well...
3 comments:
yup. i listened to tear down the house several times today for that line...amen. don't have much to say, because i felt this post kinda deepish...and i don't need words with you. THANK YOU for that gift!!!
I know exactly how you are feeling. I felt the same way when I returned from England in 2009. I felt like I had come away from such a beautiful time with God only to come back and my world completely fall apart around me. It took me a LONG time to pick myself up. I felt like after feeling so close to God, that God was leading me through a period of learning again who He is and what is true and what is a lie I had come to believe. Oddly and sweetly enough, that song "How He Loves" was huge in reminding myself of what is true regardless of how I felt.
I am marvelled by a God who loves us so completely and is Glorious and Holy and yet patient to listen to us rage against Him and love us still. Know that He is utterly in love with you sweet girl!
Thanks Miranda; you are a great comfort! <3
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