ventation

Ok, so I know I just posted and that I have to wake up in 3 hours to catch a plane but I've got things on my mind that have to come out before I can have any peace. Sometimes I get so sick of caution. I hate having to be so careful about what I say, how I feel, how others feel about what I say and feel, having to always analyze everything. Having a Persuasion brain isn't any help either. I just want to live in "abandon" and love without thinking, dream without waking, run without breathing, and leap without looking. And yet, I never can. I know I shouldn't. And why? Because God is faithful. I know that phrase is ridiculously cliche but it's true! Though I've been strained to the breaking point, I have never broken, though I have frequented the cliff's edge, I have never jumped. God is ALWAYS there to remind me that I can never be completely hopeless, completely discouraged. And that is the greatest thing in life. God's never-ceasing companionship. I know that no matter how low I get, He will always bring me back up. So even though I'm facing some huge challenges in my life right now, I'm almost excited to see God pull me through them. This doesn't mean that things are easy, but it does mean that everything will be ok though I could still use some prayer if you think of me!) Ahh, that's better. And so, goodnight dear void...

ice is also great and would suffice...

So I saw the new Pixar film Wall-e today. It was remotely cute but mainly boring and completely political. Anyway, it reminded me of one of my favorite poems.

"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice."
-Robert Frost

It's my birthday...

Yes it is, so I thought I should blog. These past couple days I've had some depressing thoughts I wanted to blog about but honestly now I just want to leave them behind with 18. I'm so ready for growth and renewal, hopefully 19 has these tings in store
"I was a little girl
alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my house guests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green--
I had a dream that I could fly from the highest swing,
I had a dream--
Long walks in the dark
through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be,
the stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer, and fell asleep
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree,
I had a dream ...
Now I'm old and feeling grey,
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell,
I'm ready now,
I'm ready now,
I'm ready now
to fly
from the highest wing,
I had a dream..."

"It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope..."

I've been rereading the Chronicles of Narnia seres, and these quotes moved me to tears. Thought I'd share. The first one grabbed me, and the song "the call" came to my mind. An overwhelming longing to be called. The second part also moved me greatly. A realization of God's understanding, power, compassion, and love.

"Aslan threw up his shaggy head, opened his mouth, and uttered a long, single note; not very loud, but full of power. Polly's heart jumped in her body when she heard it, She felt sure that it was a call, and that anyone who heard that call would want to obey it and (what's more) would be able to obey it, however many worlds and ages lay between."

"Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shinning tears stood in the Lion's eyes."

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

"You like music?" "More than food."

I've been trying to figure out why art is so important, and after searching my own feelings, this is what I came up with.

Art is expression. A release. A lessening of pain. Relief. Art is God's greatest gift. It allows us to follow in His footprints. To attempt to create. He is the Creator, we are only the created. Through art however, God allows us to see outside of ourselves, to see into His mind. To live in His glorious image. To dream of His wonders.

Here's what inspired these reflections. This child is AMAZING.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUx4t4W4eVY&feature=related

"I must the true relation make..."

Lately I have come to a realization about myself. [Aside: Isn't it strange that we do not know ourselves? That we actually have to learn who, what, and why we are? That's the problem I have always had with Descartes, how is it that we can say we exist because of what we think when we clearly do not "think" all there is to think? To me it proves we have a Creator, (thank God) and that's why we do not, nor cannot understand ourselves.] Anyway. I realized that the reason I struggle with depression is because I am often disappointed, and the reason I am often disappointed, is because I set up gloriously impossible ideals for everything I encounter in life: occasions, experiences, people. Yet therein lies the problem. The very word ideal. "A conception of something in its perfection. (dictionary.com)" Since we live in a world incapable of perfection, I am doomed to never attain any of my ideals, and often reap nothing but bitter disappointment. "I cannot help flying on the wings of anticipation, it's as glorious as sailing through a sunset, almost pays for the thud." There's the rub, "almost." The only person who will never fall short of my ideals, who cannot but always accede my ideals, is God. There is no time in my life that I can look back on and honestly say that my ideal was better than God's. And so, I have realized that I have established a few foundational ideals that have been with me since the moment I could create them. Ideals about what I will do in life, and about a person I may or may not meet in my life. I must loosen myself from these ideals. [ha. I can say it, but can I do it?] I must release my grip and cling solely to Jesus. I know this will not happen instantly, I just pray that it will happen eventually.

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me.
My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
Surrender, surrender, You whisper, gently...

"I am defenceless utterly"

"And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand, I want so much more than they have planned..."
So that's basically how I've been feeling since...well, honestly speaking since I first began to understand myself, which actually hasn't been very long...anyway, that's not the point. So I was feeling it REAL bad when I heard this song by Stephen Hinkle. Let's just say that it ruined me.

"Beauty is what I see
As you're standing in front of me
A reflection of my heart
Crafted for my delight
You were made for glory and light
To display My majesty" (so after this part I was thinking, that's nice, but hard to believe)

"This might surprise You
But give me a chance" (um woah, the song was speaking back to me!)

"The question I'm dying to ask…
May I have this dance?
A divine romance
I'll take you by the hand
And waltz through eternity" (totally caught off guard)

"Put your trust in Me
Will you let Me lead?" (OUCH major bad, but in a good way)

"I'll sweep you off your feet
If you'll let Me have this dance"

"Come here, don't be afraid" (haha read my mind)

"As you draw near only be brave
And surrender to My song
Let go, lose all control
And just give yourself to the
Rhythm of following My touch
I will not hurt you
I'll do no harm
As I take you into My arms
May I have this dance?" (at this point I was in tears)

"A divine romance
I'll take you by the hand
And waltz through eternity
Put your trust in Me
Will you let Me lead?
I'll sweep you off your feet
If you'll let Me have this dance"

Yeah, so there it is. And here's a poem that was the offspring of my experience...(disclaimer, it's kinda crummy, but oh well)

We've got the sea
Between you and I
And I can't walk on water
Trust me, I've tried
It's up to you now...to reach me