Peaches

I don't know how it started or why. But when Popa called me "Peaches" as a child, I answered and never gave it a second thought. It's still the name with which I sign his birthday cards.

Ukrainians like to say that they are like coconuts, hard on the outside, unfriendly, but once you crack them open they become sweet and milky, pure, open. In reverse, they say Americans are like peaches, soft and gooey on the outside, kind, but with insides incased in a hard shell, impenetrable.

These two stories didn’t connect until I went to Passion 2011. I am a peach (no pun intended ;)), seemingly sweet and open but firmly resistant to personal relationship. I can’t explain why, I have no damaging past experience to blame, just my pride. I’m “the kind of person everyone speaks well of but no one remembers to talk to.” Why? Because pride scorns vulnerability. The plain truth is I cared more about the person I presented than being personable and allowed pride to suffocate my life. C.S. Lewis describes it beautifully in The Four Loves:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be
wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

This carried into my relationship with Jesus. I’ve always had a hard time with Jesus. God as Lord and Father never bothered me; I was safe and comfortable with Him under those names, but Jesus wanted to get too close for comfort. In my sinful foolishness I thought if Jesus discovered just how wretched I am then he would discard me. Jesus died for my sin, so aren’t I a burden to him? Even if he did love me, it must be due to his obligation to goodness and not real love. Clearly I refused to know the truly overwhelming love of Christ! His love for me is not related to my merit or even my love for him. “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). At Passion, Jesus reminded me that his love for me has nothing to do with the broken human emotion I called love. Again, Lewis puts it beautifully,
God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing- or should we say ‘seeing’? there are no tenses in God- the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven into the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath’s sake, hitched up.

Why? Because loving and perfecting us glorifies the Father. Jesus didn’t die because we were worth it, he died because He was worth it, and that includes loving us in ways we cannot fathom.

Dust

(A new poem, draft 1)


How irrevocably firm was I!
A steady stone in that stale room.

You stirred the air while walking by,

Cause and effect-

My fragile firm swelled, and was doomed.

Remember. Follow. Joy.

I love this song! Gungor stunningly blew music out of the water at Passion 2011.




Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ. ~Phil. 1:27

Passion 2011: no better way to start a new year, hands down! I could spend the remainder of my life explaining all that God spoke to me, (in fact I hope to!) but I especially want to share how God used three powerful words.

Remember: (transitive verb [which requires an object that receives the action of the verb])
to have a renewed apprehension of; to bring to mind again; to be continually aware or thoughtful of; to preserve fresh in the memory; to attend to.

God urged me over and over, through the scriptures shared by the speakers and worship leaders, to remember His goodness, to renew my mind in His attributes. Paul faithfully walked in remembrance and urges us to “Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David…” Jesus asked us eat his represented broken body and blood in remembrance of Him. David proclaimed, “I will remember the deeds of the Lord ; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.” The scriptures that reference remembering the character, attributes, and deeds of God are overwhelming.
Beth Moore spoke, focusing on the renewing of our minds. The mind is not simply instinct, it is knowing what we are doing and why. Remembrance is an active verb performed by the mind! We must actively pursue God’s words and by remembering them, renew our minds which, as Ben Stuart beautifully illustrated, stir our affections and motivate our will. There were things I had forgotten, things Christ calls me to remember. {f.y.i. I’m feeling a poem involving remembrance, communion, the thief on the cross… hmm, creative wheels are turning!}

Follow: (transitive verb [this thrills me because transitive verbs require a direct object and that direct object in this case is Christ! Oh the wonders of language!] )
to go or come after; to move behind in the same path or direction; hence, to go with; to accompany; to attend; to keep the eyes fixed upon while in motion; to keep the mind upon while in progress.

“…they left everything and followed Him” (Luke 5:11). During a worship session lead by David Crowder, I was singing the words “I will follow You,” and suddenly saw grass, trees, rivers, rocks, all swirling miles and miles and miles below me. I grasped at the air behind me but had nothing to hold on to. My heart rose and sank like the moment before a rollercoaster drops. Panic! Then a voice, “you said you wanted to follow me, I’m out here,” in the open air, thrilling and terrifying. David Platt explained it so well, “Follow is a far different word than believe, confess, proclaim, or accept.” I realized that following Jesus means following Jesus, no modifiers attached! “Jesus is not a means to an end, He is the end!” –David Platt. I shouldn’t follow Jesus for peace, health, happiness, etc, I should follow Jesus for Jesus. I loved how Francis Chan put it, “Jesus requires you to drop all things and follow Him, but He is worth it; He is so worth it.” Simply in Himself, Jesus is worth everything.

Joy: (either a noun [God!] or a transitive verb [action with God as the object!] )
a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated; an outward show of pleasure or delight; rejoicing; happiness; blessing.

Here’s the ringer. Before Passion, conviction set in as I realized my circumstances dictate my joy. Like love, joy is not simply an emotion, it is an active state of being. Joy is produced in our lives by the Spirit. -But I wasn’t living that out.
John Piper (unintentionally) made me feel unsaved when he asked, “what is the bottom (root, gut, center) of your joy? Self? Or Christ?” You don’t have to guess my answer. So often my self wins out over Jesus. But, “self can never satisfy a heart that was made for God” – John Piper. How intrinsically true! “To get life, we must run to the author of life” –Ben Stuart. I cannot be joy. I am not something to rejoice over (outside of God’s love and mercy). Christ is all. He is all, the source of joy, joy itself. He produces joy, He is worthy of rejoicing. And yet how often I forget! How often I replace God with self! Thank God for the Puritans- “How do you dislodge a beautiful thing from the human heart? Replace it with a more beautiful thing.” Amen. As I remember Christ and follow Him, He becomes my joy.

This is only a taste of what God taught me at Passion. It overwhelms me at times and I regret how far I am from the image of Christ. But I take comfort in Paul’s words: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own... Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” ~ Phil. 3:12, 16

If I could rewrite my life….

I would double major in marine biology and oceanography, with a minor in child psychology, interning at KML (Keys Marine Lab). Eventually, I would establish a branch of KML that helps abused kids find healing through preserving and protecting the ocean.
I’d live in a 1 room house decorated with things from the sea. I’d ride my jet ski to work and have a sailboat named The Zephyr for deep sea trips. Jack, a rescued sea hawk, would be my constant companion. He would roam the ocean sky and dive for fish as I worked with whales, dolphins, and other large sea creatures. Around the island (either Big Pine or Marathon), I’d ride my bike, but have an old ford to tote large equipment and go on road trips.
I’d tattoo the front of my shoulder with an old anchor in blue ink with the word “ballast” written across it, and never cut my hair.
On weekends I’d dive local wrecks and write kids adventure novels.
I’d never get married, God and the ocean would be enough.

"I do understand, I know now..."

Today I understood.
I have spent all of my spiritual life in this church and after all the struggles it has gone through, and I have gone through in it, many hurts and questions have built up. Especially these last three years. I felt abandoned, unprotected. Again and again, God did not answer my prayers. Again and again, my needs were not met. I felt that God had let me down. I was angry and confused, but at the time I didn't know just how much it had affected me. I had become bitter, all the while believing I wasn't letting it affect me, I thought I was just "tired"...
Today was our last Sunday in this building, and I finally understood.
It's not about the church.
God was showing me through it all that it's about Him. Of course I "knew" that all along, but today I saw it. He stripped everything away so I would depend only on Him. It's not about music, a building, certain leaders, certain people, experiences, numbers, happiness...just Him.
It's so easy to get caught up in routine, but He saved me from that.
The pain was exposed, it was explained, and I not only understood why, I was thankful.
For the first time in my life, I thanked Him for it, when just the day before I was still aching with the scream of why.
How overwhelming is the love of Christ!
The healer of wounds.
The passionate lover.
The protective Father.

"no more despair"

SO.
I've been rather loathe to write this the past few days, because I don't "feel" it.
I have since decided that the best time to blog this was when I didn't feel it. Perhaps the writing of it will bring me back to where I was when these thoughts first occurred to me; a realigning if you will...always a good thing.
Thus:
I believe God is bringing me into a Spring. I have known for a while I've been in a Autumn/Winterish season spiritually for some time, but about a month ago, as I began to see a Spring break forth, I realized just how deep into Winter I had gone.

Here I confess to be an extreme nerd, but, only two people read this thing anyway, and they already know this of me, so it's all good...
back to the point, I often connect my life with the character of Eowyn. I'm odd, I know. As God has been bringing Spring, this section from Return of the King keeps popping into me head,

"As he looked at her it seemed to him that something in her softened, as though a bitter frost were yielding at the first faint presage of Spring...
Then the heart of Eowyn changed, or else at last she understood it. And suddenly her winter passed, and the sun shone on her.
'Behold! The Shadow has departed! I will be a shield maiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.'"

So I had a "softening," and God spoke and guided and comforted me, but now I think He may be reminding me that the coming of Spring requires Spring cleaning; not fun, but oh so good.

Also, God is showing me that it is not good to despair and continue in suffering, in fact I have no reason to. Another thing, I know I have no reason to despair and that the tiny trifles I go through cannot even be considered suffering so I should just suck it up and deal, but God wants me to bring all my troubles to him, and be humbled in the reality I am so weak and can handle so little.

These scriptures have been life blood to me recently,

Isaiah 58:8-9
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Isaiah 50:2-4
Was my arm too short to ransom you?
Do I lack the strength to rescue you?
By a mere rebuke I dry up the sea,
I turn rivers into a desert;
their fish rot for lack of water
and die of thirst.
I clothe the sky with darkness
and make sackcloth its covering."
The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.

Isaiah 43:18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

1Peter 5:10
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

Case and point?
I'm a mess, but God is greater than that and is working on me despite it all, and He is good.

Random:
I came across this picture, and now it's basically my new favorite ever...

Uncle James

Well, in many ways this was harder than I expected. Reality hit home. He's gone. The thing I have been praying against for over 10 years has happened. Then again, there is hope; I do not know where his heart was in the end. I'm not handling it the way I feared; I'm not mad at God, I am not in agony about where Uncle James is like I have for many sleepless nights over the years. I guess that's a good thing, but maybe it's just because my mind refuses to go there, and I'm too exhausted and depressed to feel angry. But God has given me a good example through David, I'm sure you know the story:
"The LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate." David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead." Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate. His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?"

So no more praying for Uncle James. I'll miss it, weird as it sounds. I still have many more family members to pray for, and that I think was the hardest part for me. They are so lost, they do not see that they are heading down the same path, especially Jamie. She' such a mess, she's so hurt, starving for love and comfort, but I love her, I do not want to see her life end in the same way! I am so afraid. And her 2 beautiful boys are so precious. Dylan knows more about the mess in her life than he lets on, he's only 7 buts seems to be going on 20! He asked Aunt Tina,
"Papa is never going to be here anymore is he?"
"No baby."
"So now it's only you (Aunt Tina), Joel (her son), and April (Joel's girlfriend)?
"Yes sweetheart."
"So Joel has to be the man of the house now. I'll come over and help him if it gets hard."
The child's amazing.
Hugging Joel brought the most comfort for me actually. I've always felt my cousins didn't know how much I love and care for them, our lives are so different that it makes conversation awkward at times. But as we sobbed together he stroked my hair (always wanting to take care of others even though he was hurting the most), I knew we understood each other, that we both care more than we know how to express. Same way with all of them. Nothing brings people together like grief I guess. And Jesse! It broke my heart to see him broken and regretful over not forgiving Uncle James. And Aunt Tina, what a strong woman. She'd cry but when we all started to cry too she'd make us all wash are faces and cheer up. Even Kenny (the totally non sappy one) broke down and we laughed as he remembered how my eyebrows turned red when I cried as a kid. Uncle Jay actually gave me a hug. It's easy to overlook him but I've always tried to reach out. It seems like God moved in his heart. Move Lord! I love them all! Break the bondage of sin! Bring revival to my family!
It's just so hard to have this happen, a horrible ending I've begged God not to let happen. But glorious is God's salvation! I stand in awe of His unfathomable goodness.
This is from C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves:
"In God there is no hunger that needs to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give. God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven through the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath's sake, hitched up. This is the diagram of Love Himself, the inventor of all loves.”
God’s Truth will not allow me to be angry with Him, I know He is good despite circumstances, and He is Love, even when I do not understand. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Amen! The message today in church was healing as well. Mike Burg preached about looking past the surface and into the heart of the matter, he also talked about unanswered prayers, which was very good, even though it made me cry during the service (to the devastation of my pride, haha).
A kindred spirit told me, when grieving, go to the Psalms, true words!
“There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
‘Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.’
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
How marvelous that we can lavish in God’s mercy and be saved.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Thank you Lord!
Please pray for my family and me during this time, and for the salvation of my extended family.

(Here are the news articles on what happened, I’m tired of explaining details)

http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20090204/ARTICLES/902041003/0/GATORSSPECIAL03