Beautiful Things

New blog title!



The inspiration for it came through various things God has recently revealed to me, especially through Gabe Lyons’ (seriously, this dude has a hardcore name) book, The Next Christians,

which exposes a new movement of Christians who desire to be a force for restoration as they proclaim the Gospel. Here’s a sample of some of my favorite quotes:

“The Next Christians don’t separate from the world or blend in; rather, they thoughtfully engage.”

“They believe that Christ’s death and Resurrection were not only meant to save people from something. He wanted to save people to something. God longs to restore His image in them, and let them loose, freeing them to pursue His original dreams for the entire world. Here, now, today, tomorrow. They no longer feel bound to wait for heaven or spend all of their time telling people what they should believe. Instead, they are participating with God in His restoration project for the whole world.”

“They are-
Provoked, not offended
Creators, not critics
Called, not employed
Grounded, not distracted
In community, not alone
Countercultural, not ‘relevant’”

Let’s just say I am incredibly inspired/convicted! I want to be a restorer. To create beautiful things. So often I limit myself because I don’t see beyond my own abilities, but I forget “the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us!” (2nd Cor. 4:7) I’ve been really depressed this week because I’m not engaging at school. Granted, I’m an introvert, and Rollins is notoriously anti-Christian, but I know God wants me to represent Him there. And yet, I choose comfort over courage, every time.

Driving home from class Thursday night, I listened to a podcast by Ben Stuart- exactly what I needed! Ben reminded me that “what is begun in the Spirit cannot be worked out in the flesh.” It is only through Christ’s power and grace that I will ever restore anything! Augustine prayed, “Lord, command me, then give me what You command.” God commands me to be faithful, then He graces me with faithfulness. God commands me to love His people, then He pours His love for others into me.

Back up scripture!

“For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.” ~1st Cor. 1:26-29
“…whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies- in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.” ~1st Peter 4:11

Peaches

I don't know how it started or why. But when Popa called me "Peaches" as a child, I answered and never gave it a second thought. It's still the name with which I sign his birthday cards.

Ukrainians like to say that they are like coconuts, hard on the outside, unfriendly, but once you crack them open they become sweet and milky, pure, open. In reverse, they say Americans are like peaches, soft and gooey on the outside, kind, but with insides incased in a hard shell, impenetrable.

These two stories didn’t connect until I went to Passion 2011. I am a peach (no pun intended ;)), seemingly sweet and open but firmly resistant to personal relationship. I can’t explain why, I have no damaging past experience to blame, just my pride. I’m “the kind of person everyone speaks well of but no one remembers to talk to.” Why? Because pride scorns vulnerability. The plain truth is I cared more about the person I presented than being personable and allowed pride to suffocate my life. C.S. Lewis describes it beautifully in The Four Loves:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be
wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

This carried into my relationship with Jesus. I’ve always had a hard time with Jesus. God as Lord and Father never bothered me; I was safe and comfortable with Him under those names, but Jesus wanted to get too close for comfort. In my sinful foolishness I thought if Jesus discovered just how wretched I am then he would discard me. Jesus died for my sin, so aren’t I a burden to him? Even if he did love me, it must be due to his obligation to goodness and not real love. Clearly I refused to know the truly overwhelming love of Christ! His love for me is not related to my merit or even my love for him. “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). At Passion, Jesus reminded me that his love for me has nothing to do with the broken human emotion I called love. Again, Lewis puts it beautifully,
God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing- or should we say ‘seeing’? there are no tenses in God- the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven into the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath’s sake, hitched up.

Why? Because loving and perfecting us glorifies the Father. Jesus didn’t die because we were worth it, he died because He was worth it, and that includes loving us in ways we cannot fathom.

Dust

(A new poem, draft 1)


How irrevocably firm was I!
A steady stone in that stale room.

You stirred the air while walking by,

Cause and effect-

My fragile firm swelled, and was doomed.

Remember. Follow. Joy.

I love this song! Gungor stunningly blew music out of the water at Passion 2011.




Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ. ~Phil. 1:27

Passion 2011: no better way to start a new year, hands down! I could spend the remainder of my life explaining all that God spoke to me, (in fact I hope to!) but I especially want to share how God used three powerful words.

Remember: (transitive verb [which requires an object that receives the action of the verb])
to have a renewed apprehension of; to bring to mind again; to be continually aware or thoughtful of; to preserve fresh in the memory; to attend to.

God urged me over and over, through the scriptures shared by the speakers and worship leaders, to remember His goodness, to renew my mind in His attributes. Paul faithfully walked in remembrance and urges us to “Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David…” Jesus asked us eat his represented broken body and blood in remembrance of Him. David proclaimed, “I will remember the deeds of the Lord ; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.” The scriptures that reference remembering the character, attributes, and deeds of God are overwhelming.
Beth Moore spoke, focusing on the renewing of our minds. The mind is not simply instinct, it is knowing what we are doing and why. Remembrance is an active verb performed by the mind! We must actively pursue God’s words and by remembering them, renew our minds which, as Ben Stuart beautifully illustrated, stir our affections and motivate our will. There were things I had forgotten, things Christ calls me to remember. {f.y.i. I’m feeling a poem involving remembrance, communion, the thief on the cross… hmm, creative wheels are turning!}

Follow: (transitive verb [this thrills me because transitive verbs require a direct object and that direct object in this case is Christ! Oh the wonders of language!] )
to go or come after; to move behind in the same path or direction; hence, to go with; to accompany; to attend; to keep the eyes fixed upon while in motion; to keep the mind upon while in progress.

“…they left everything and followed Him” (Luke 5:11). During a worship session lead by David Crowder, I was singing the words “I will follow You,” and suddenly saw grass, trees, rivers, rocks, all swirling miles and miles and miles below me. I grasped at the air behind me but had nothing to hold on to. My heart rose and sank like the moment before a rollercoaster drops. Panic! Then a voice, “you said you wanted to follow me, I’m out here,” in the open air, thrilling and terrifying. David Platt explained it so well, “Follow is a far different word than believe, confess, proclaim, or accept.” I realized that following Jesus means following Jesus, no modifiers attached! “Jesus is not a means to an end, He is the end!” –David Platt. I shouldn’t follow Jesus for peace, health, happiness, etc, I should follow Jesus for Jesus. I loved how Francis Chan put it, “Jesus requires you to drop all things and follow Him, but He is worth it; He is so worth it.” Simply in Himself, Jesus is worth everything.

Joy: (either a noun [God!] or a transitive verb [action with God as the object!] )
a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated; an outward show of pleasure or delight; rejoicing; happiness; blessing.

Here’s the ringer. Before Passion, conviction set in as I realized my circumstances dictate my joy. Like love, joy is not simply an emotion, it is an active state of being. Joy is produced in our lives by the Spirit. -But I wasn’t living that out.
John Piper (unintentionally) made me feel unsaved when he asked, “what is the bottom (root, gut, center) of your joy? Self? Or Christ?” You don’t have to guess my answer. So often my self wins out over Jesus. But, “self can never satisfy a heart that was made for God” – John Piper. How intrinsically true! “To get life, we must run to the author of life” –Ben Stuart. I cannot be joy. I am not something to rejoice over (outside of God’s love and mercy). Christ is all. He is all, the source of joy, joy itself. He produces joy, He is worthy of rejoicing. And yet how often I forget! How often I replace God with self! Thank God for the Puritans- “How do you dislodge a beautiful thing from the human heart? Replace it with a more beautiful thing.” Amen. As I remember Christ and follow Him, He becomes my joy.

This is only a taste of what God taught me at Passion. It overwhelms me at times and I regret how far I am from the image of Christ. But I take comfort in Paul’s words: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own... Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” ~ Phil. 3:12, 16

If I could rewrite my life….

I would double major in marine biology and oceanography, with a minor in child psychology, interning at KML (Keys Marine Lab). Eventually, I would establish a branch of KML that helps abused kids find healing through preserving and protecting the ocean.
I’d live in a 1 room house decorated with things from the sea. I’d ride my jet ski to work and have a sailboat named The Zephyr for deep sea trips. Jack, a rescued sea hawk, would be my constant companion. He would roam the ocean sky and dive for fish as I worked with whales, dolphins, and other large sea creatures. Around the island (either Big Pine or Marathon), I’d ride my bike, but have an old ford to tote large equipment and go on road trips.
I’d tattoo the front of my shoulder with an old anchor in blue ink with the word “ballast” written across it, and never cut my hair.
On weekends I’d dive local wrecks and write kids adventure novels.
I’d never get married, God and the ocean would be enough.

"I do understand, I know now..."

Today I understood.
I have spent all of my spiritual life in this church and after all the struggles it has gone through, and I have gone through in it, many hurts and questions have built up. Especially these last three years. I felt abandoned, unprotected. Again and again, God did not answer my prayers. Again and again, my needs were not met. I felt that God had let me down. I was angry and confused, but at the time I didn't know just how much it had affected me. I had become bitter, all the while believing I wasn't letting it affect me, I thought I was just "tired"...
Today was our last Sunday in this building, and I finally understood.
It's not about the church.
God was showing me through it all that it's about Him. Of course I "knew" that all along, but today I saw it. He stripped everything away so I would depend only on Him. It's not about music, a building, certain leaders, certain people, experiences, numbers, happiness...just Him.
It's so easy to get caught up in routine, but He saved me from that.
The pain was exposed, it was explained, and I not only understood why, I was thankful.
For the first time in my life, I thanked Him for it, when just the day before I was still aching with the scream of why.
How overwhelming is the love of Christ!
The healer of wounds.
The passionate lover.
The protective Father.

"no more despair"

SO.
I've been rather loathe to write this the past few days, because I don't "feel" it.
I have since decided that the best time to blog this was when I didn't feel it. Perhaps the writing of it will bring me back to where I was when these thoughts first occurred to me; a realigning if you will...always a good thing.
Thus:
I believe God is bringing me into a Spring. I have known for a while I've been in a Autumn/Winterish season spiritually for some time, but about a month ago, as I began to see a Spring break forth, I realized just how deep into Winter I had gone.

Here I confess to be an extreme nerd, but, only two people read this thing anyway, and they already know this of me, so it's all good...
back to the point, I often connect my life with the character of Eowyn. I'm odd, I know. As God has been bringing Spring, this section from Return of the King keeps popping into me head,

"As he looked at her it seemed to him that something in her softened, as though a bitter frost were yielding at the first faint presage of Spring...
Then the heart of Eowyn changed, or else at last she understood it. And suddenly her winter passed, and the sun shone on her.
'Behold! The Shadow has departed! I will be a shield maiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.'"

So I had a "softening," and God spoke and guided and comforted me, but now I think He may be reminding me that the coming of Spring requires Spring cleaning; not fun, but oh so good.

Also, God is showing me that it is not good to despair and continue in suffering, in fact I have no reason to. Another thing, I know I have no reason to despair and that the tiny trifles I go through cannot even be considered suffering so I should just suck it up and deal, but God wants me to bring all my troubles to him, and be humbled in the reality I am so weak and can handle so little.

These scriptures have been life blood to me recently,

Isaiah 58:8-9
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Isaiah 50:2-4
Was my arm too short to ransom you?
Do I lack the strength to rescue you?
By a mere rebuke I dry up the sea,
I turn rivers into a desert;
their fish rot for lack of water
and die of thirst.
I clothe the sky with darkness
and make sackcloth its covering."
The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.

Isaiah 43:18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

1Peter 5:10
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

Case and point?
I'm a mess, but God is greater than that and is working on me despite it all, and He is good.

Random:
I came across this picture, and now it's basically my new favorite ever...