If I ever get a tattoo...

it'll be an anchor with "ballast" written across the rope. Why? Because John Adams (one of the best men born to the USA, just sayin') once perfectly penned my entire being into one line: "Ballast is what I want; I totter with every breeze!"

I've been studying Psalms this past month, focusing on the attributes of God. You know one of my favorite things about God? His steadfastness. Over and over again, the psalmists proclaim the Lord's "faithfulness and steadfast love."



Psalm 103: 2-4
Bless the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy

I love that image! Jesus crowns us with His steadfast love and mercy! I love His steadfastness because it is so unlike me. I am ever-changing, He is everlasting! And He is even more steadfast than the word can convey. He alone can claim steadfastness because He is eternal. How can finite creatures understand the complete security and solidness of the Lord's love and mercy? How can I not give my trust over to Him completely in light of His certainty? The sure ans steadfast anchor for my soul! Thank you Jesus! And I need not feel guilt because He remembers that I am dust, utterly unstable, and what is His response? "But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him." Amen!

Packing, unpacking, and a forgotten suitcase

I was in Ukraine, settling into my apartment in Kyiv which, oddly enough, had a closet loaded with summer dresses. Admiring the sundresses, I realized I didn't pack a dress for Jenya's wedding, come to think of it, I didn't pack... at all. No toothbrush?! No food?! I scrambled for a plan to wash my only clothes at night in the lake, but would they dry by morning? And then... I woke up. Thank God.

Yeah, I might just be a tad bit stressed about Ukraine. Shocking I know.

Let's just say leading drama has created some drama in my personal life. I've been crazy trying to get everything together, and so a few vital things were pushed to the back burner. like talking to God and reading His Word, you know, just those little things.

Bad idea.

A while back I blogged about letting go of things I grasp (Phil. 2). Well, letting go is kinda like unpacking a suitcase. Everything I thought I needed for the trip was actually weighing me down.

Well here's part two: God needs to pack the suitcase back up. You can't show up in a foreign country for two months with an empty suitcase! After Paul points out our need to let go of what we grasp just as Jesus did, he says in chapter four of Philippeans, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me —practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

He starts with the unpacking element- take anxiety out of the suitcase! But Paul doesn't stop there! We're to unpack to God, and He will pack our suitcase with peace! Still have room in the suitcase? Then fill it with true things, honorable things, just things, things that are pure and lovely, commendable, excellent, praise-worthy things!

I was "letting go" of my fear and anxiety, but without anything to replace them, they just kept jumping back in! Like the Puritans (and Ben Stuart) said, "how do you dislodge a "beautiful" thing from the human heart? Replace it with a more beautiful thing." Amen!

So I cast my cares on the Lord, and He corrects the issues of my heart, and insures the completion of His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Ben Stuart has an excellent podcast on this titled, Living in Peace, check it out!

[What helped me come to this revelation? Spending the morning with this...

]

Poetry Portfolio

I've finished my poetry portfolio and in a few hours, I'll be finished with this semester hallelujah! I know I'm not quite publishing material, but I've found I'm just as passionate about writing poetry as I am about reading it. Maybe God has plans for that? I don't know, and in this moment, as I lounge on my favorite bench on campus, overlooking lake Virgina, I am completely content just to be in this very moment. Usually my ambition pulls my focus into the future, but right now, I'm overwhelmed by the richness of life God gives me, and whatever He has planned will be good, right, honorable, lovely, meaningful, and glorifying to His most worthy name!

Upon request, here's pieces from my final portfolio. (fyi. some of the typography is off due to blogger.)


The Rhyme Time

What pun it is to rhyme,
Spending time like
Tossed Dimes
flicker! flicker!

By association, straining
against and yet together creating,
elongating-
tension.

Cyrano Pinocchio

(The Oh! is cut short
by the
K
but can’t stop the lingering A)

Is that okay? To rhyme,
an incipient crime
of the peripatetic mind
Kuhwacked! into militant time.




A Poem of Pages
after Paige

because she wanted
to eat
The.
Damn.
Grits!
A vivacious vegetarian who would lay
down
her rights
for the not-cooked-in-a-kitchenette-but-a-palace
Ham
While singing EEEEEEE-eeeeeeee-
Eet
Eet
Eet
An ethereal melody
philosophy(?)

The key lime pie was inspiring [crying]
want
to eat your cooking
like milky blizzards and cake

-an-hour-before-

Through gritted teeth





“IVE EATEN


nothing.”




capital H


To Hell with you
H.
It's a capital place,
just past a ravine
like yours--
too wide to cross
unhelped

you know:
“hot as”
“mad as”
“raise some”
“of-a”
“what the”
“ya”
“no”

…that half-pace place
your hamartia.




Echo


I.

Woe
Those oh
who hear
Argot
of Empty Sphere
Here, we ashamed same
(Something is not same)

Something
is not
Same souls

The world cracked.
(hear?)


II.

Awake:
with a headached
Fear
of Terror Dreams
[and]
Standover Men
(with)
Wings


III.

Eternity
certainly
handles an Omniscient argot




Dust

I! irrevocably firm,
A leaded stone in that stale room


You walked by,
Disturbed
the air

Cause and effect-

My firmnity swelled:
Doomed.




The Starling

escaped
from my Pulsing Organ
on a reckless sigh

battered through roped reds and blues,
turning my inner set awry
[from circulatory to respiratory]

Not blood, but blue-fresh air it spied!
It shouldered through my hollow throat
and burst towards…

but I

swallowed
hard-
stilling starling
‘til
locked carefully back,


beating again.

My view :)

favorites

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

"Oh the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor? Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:33-36

How incredible is God! Basking in the fullness of a dusky-gold moon last night, I tried to fathom its size and distance. How terrifying it is to look into the eternal sky and try to grasp the billions of stars in our galaxy, and the billions more housed by billions of other galaxies! We'll never see more than the tiniest fraction of them. Yet God has given each one a name.

"Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing." Isaiah 40:26

Louie Giglio talks about this in his devotional, Wired: "We know God is infinitely awesome... Infinite means having no limits. Never running out. Having no end. Existing forever. Unbound. Timeless. Stuff we can't fully comprehend. God has never been tired. Never slept. Never aged. Never upgraded. He's self-sufficient. Self-contained. God doesn't need anything... God is pure. Radiant. Without blemish or stain. He is untainted goodness. Without fault or blame. Perfection personified."

As I read this yesterday, I was duly overwhelmed by my finiteness, my insufficiency compared to this awesome God whom I cannot even fully comprehend. I am nothing like Him, how can I dare to know Him? But then this thought came to me, I am made in the image of God. Wow. It's like a child who, after years and years of separation, meets his birth parents for the first time. Certain gestures, facial expressions, a laugh, these things are familiar to the son and he realizes that he came from these people. He recognizes himself in them. These people explain his existence.... that's how I think it is when I see God. The what and why and how of myself are answered in Him. I recognize Him.

Not to say that I am anywhere near to being the same as God, I am only made in His IMAGE. But it is HIS image... and that is mind-blowingly beautiful. God made me in His image, nothing could be more intimate, or more wonderful.

A Confession

Rough day. My heart is heavy and my mind worn down. I need to release some creative and comical expression, and so, my confession: Since I can remember, I've desperately wanted to be a whale, for a day.
No seriously, This is legit; I've put much thought into it. My jealously of whale life is immense.

I'd kill to be an orca, the hottest whale in the sea. I mean, look at this baby jump! And just for the fun of it. They're not all fun and games however, you're looking at a seriously violence-prone animal (what!? Shamu? Willy?). Um, Killer whale for a reason kids.

Say hello to Moby. Sperm whales rock a flippin 20 pound brain (thus why Ahab couldn't out-smart em!), the largest brain of any animal. ever. but don't tease them, they're sensitive, emotional souls (I'm not making this up).

Blue whales are the largest animals on God's green (and blue) earth. Try 108ft on for size. I'd flip to be one of these giant Lone Rangers for a day!

Just. look. at. this. dude.... I love him. Bowhead whales sing continually, and live up to 200 years. no joke. It's a good thing too, because these fantastical creatures are endangered thanks to idiots who think they make good mounts.

What is there to say? Who WOULDN'T want to be a narwhal?!?!?

And yet, (call me sentimental), I want to spend a day as a humpback whale most of all. These softies have a 300 pound, 4 chamber heart and a massive tail and fins (the better to flop about above water, my dear!) The loudest singer and most agile acrobat, the humpback wins.

Exposed

The climax occurred yesterday while I felt like shit. Literally. I frequently experience funks, and am learning how to deal with them, but this one destroyed me. What made me so miserable? A tiny instance I blew WAY out of proportion, but it caused me to seek out the real issue beneath the circumstance. I found what I "grasp."
Let's back up. Philippians 2 has always been one of my favorite passages of the Bible, (is it okay to have favorites in God's Word?) but reading it a few weeks ago slammed me with a deeper revelation.

Philippians
2:1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, [1] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, [2] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

You can glean so much from this passage, but what struck me this time was the word grasped. Jesus did not count equality with God as something to be grasped. I had always thought "grasp" in this context meant "reach for," that Jesus did not consider equality with God as something to reach for, because it cannot be obtained, and he was already "in the form of God" and so was already equal with God, so he didn't have to prove his equality by grasping it.
Although this is true, a word study revealed the word "grasp" in this context actually means "hold on." Jesus did not consider equality with God as something to hold on to. He let it go. Not meaning he lost his equality with God, but he forsook the rights of equality, something he already firmly held, for no other reason than to obey the Father and to save our souls.
For me, that's a world of difference. Jesus let go. Jesus let go. What was rightfully his, he let go... wow. How humbling. Hallelujah.
Then I asked myself, what am I grasping? If Jesus let go of what was rightfully his, who am I to hold on to anything? Especially considering I deserve nothing?
We come back to my feeling like shit yesterday. While tormenting myself over the tiny circumstance, I asked myself a question a dear friend often asks: can't you just let it go? It clicked. I wasn't letting this thing go, which means I was holding on to it, I was grasping it.
At the root of the tiny circumstance was this: I have set what those I love think of me as the bottom of my joy. I obsess with being in good standing with my friends and family. Is it good to have healthy relationships? Yes! To have them as the ultimate value in my life? No! It's lead me to care more about my appearance rather than my integrity.
And integrity is vital. Something else God is teaching me.

1 John 1
5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Light is truth (Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." -John 3:20-21), and so walking in the light is walking in the truth. Honest living, something I don't do. Walking in honesty means being vulnerable (a word my flesh detests most of all!), confessing our sin. Being vulnerable with people gains their trust and brings us into deeper fellowship with them. Not that we should tell each other every sin we've ever committed, but we should be characterized by honesty. Being honest about our sin also allows the blood of Jesus to cleanse our sin. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. This call to walk in the light does not mean to walk in perfection. For us, perfection is impossible; we can only pretend, and if we do that, then we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
This was HUGE for me. Walk in honesty, humility, vulnerability, and HE will make me clean by His abundant grace. I am not called to walk in righteousness on my own, then I only become a liar!

Please pray God continues to work this out in me. I want to walk exposed to the light, but I've still got a long way to get to freedom in this. Pray especially for me while I'm in Ukraine; I will not be a good leader if I can't serve others rather than use them to wrongly meet my needs, and I will never gain their trust unless I am vulnerable (and if you know me at all, vulnerable and I can only mix by a miracle of God!).