Kings to You my Friend!!!

Happy Birthday!!!


I remember when
We used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd

Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the tv light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

I remember when
We used to drive
Anywhere but her
As long as we'd forget our lives
We were so young and confused that we didn't know
To laugh or cry
Those nights were ours
They will live and never die
Together we'd stand forever

Those nights belong to us
There's nothing wrong with us

a breakthrough?

I have been very tired.
Struggling with somethings and just not finding much relief.
Monday night I was especially distraught so I read my Bible but still was not encouraged, until Tuesday.
Tuesday God blessed me with a good day, everything ran smoothly, I got to go for a much needed bike ride- smell the coming rain- listen to some new worship songs I had discovered.
Then something happened Tuesday night. Here's what I wrote in my journal~
"Jan. 27, 2009
I was in my Politics of Palestine class and the prof was explaining how to write an essay. "Seriously? We're Rollins students, it's a 300 level course which consists mainly of juniors and seniors, let's hope we know how to write an essay!" I thought. This lead to a train of thought on how much I love writing, and English, and especially literature. I was filled with passion, joy, and inspiration just at the thought :). Then I heard myself say (in my head) "that's why you should be an English major, you were given a passion and a talent in this area for a reason." The thoughts didn't seem to come from me yet I heard no other voice. I felt a peace, a rightness, and a growing excitement that built throughout the time I was in class. I did not feel as if I was wasting my time in these international affairs classes though, I would use them, and learn from them, just not as an international affairs major. For the first time in a long while I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. Is this You Lord? Are you answering my prayers in this way?"
So I don't know. I would like to believe that it was the Lord speaking to me, and I hope He will bring further conformation if so.

(Ironically, this was the section of scripture I was reading Monday night but it didn't really sink in until I reread it Tuesday night.)

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

~Isaiah 40:25-31
God is so good!

And here's a new worship song I discovered last night:

"Beautiful are the words spoken to me
Beautiful is the one who speaking

Come in close, come in close and speak
Come in close, come closer to me

Beautiful are the words spoken to me
Beautiful is the one who speaking

The power of your words are filled with grace and mercy
Let them fall on my ears and break my stony heart"
~"Closer" Charlie Hall

P.S.
God WILL see me through! It doesn't matter how I feel, this is just another opportunity for me to lay my emotions on the alter and let Him burn them up. I am His, who am I to want anything else? My Savior is more than enough.

P.S.S.
(more song lyrics, sorry but it just started playing on my itunes and it's too good not to share!)

"Rich or poor God I want You more
Than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire

You can have all my hands can hold
My heart, mind, strength and soul
Be my all, all consuming fire

We have all we need in You
And all we need is You
All we need is You

All we need, all we need, all we need is You
All we need, all we need, all we need is You"
~All We Need" Charlie Hall

This has not yet been written for many reasons; partially because of busy nothings, but more so because God has been showing me so many little tid bits that I've been too overwhelmed, and too uncertain to try to piece it all together. It's as if God is revealing vibrant threads and painful needles (too many for my fickle, fragile heart to properly appreciate)that He will use to weave me. I am lost in colors and pinpricks. Usually, I love to delve into interpretation, but have been so grotesquely wrong in the past that (hopefully) I have finally learned my lesson to wait and see what He will do (or perhaps I'm just to tired to try to figure it out anymore). Either way, here are glimmers of the tidbits, just as they are, this time I will wait for God to explain. (these tidbits are mostly from the Word and from Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Eliot)

"When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die"
"little deaths have to be died just as great ones do" -this has been enormous for me, I've been studying scripture on living day by day, dying to the flesh day by day, submitting to God's will day by day, suffering for His Name day by day, glorying in His goodness day by day...
"If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."
"many deaths must go into our reaching that measure"
As depressing as all this daily dying seemed at first, I later learned that I am not called to die just to die, but to die so that I may live. God created death so that we may not live eternally in sin. When the sprout is called to break forth the acorn must die, when the fruit is called to develop the buds first must die, when the oak spreads its seeds the fruit first must die. That has been a great encouragement. And there is a greater beauty in it, because it hurts, because it is constant it is valuable; "I will not offer my God sacrifices that have cost me nothing."

Also, offering my loneliness as a sweet sacrifice to God, every time I feel the pang of it, I have the opportunity to give it to God saying "You are worth my suffering, little and meager as it is"
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer?"

Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength"

I am so often lead by my emotions, not by the Spirit. I really want/need this to change, I long to be steadfast in the Lord, unwavering, and solid. "Hold us in strength, and hold us still"

"So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning: that is not worthy of the name 'for no polluted thing can be offered'." This is where I'm at. I've been asking God for something for quite some time, something perfectly healthy and right, but He has denied me. I've been frustrated with Him, "why can't I have it? You have created me to desire it, it is important for every person's spiritual growth, there is nothing wring with it, and nothing wrong with having it now! Haven't I waited long enough?" But God knows what He is doing, and if all this is only to make me fully depend on Him, to offer holy sacrifices to Him, to trust Him, then so be it.

Psalm 62:5-6 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
Amen.

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home"
- Broken by Lifehouse

Tidings of comfort and joy!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen has always been my favorite Christmas song, and I have just discovered Loreena McKennit's lovely version, and it made me so happy I had to share :)

God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember, Christ, our Saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

From God our Heavenly Father
A blessed Angel came;
And unto certain Shepherds
Brought tidings of the same:
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by Name.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

Now to the Lord sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas
All other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

On our Anniversary

Aged to perfection. Typically, I'm more of the Neverland-living, young at heart, never grow up type who is deeply opposed to anything relating to the passing of time. I must say however, that today, I am glad there has been time behind us in our friendship. Not that those time were bad, but there is a priceless value to maturity. To have those moments to look back on, to build bonds around, it means something so solid, something that nothing but time can accomplish, well spent time that is. Some of the best things in life are well used and well aged: worn saddles, a good pair of pointe shoes, fine wine ; )... all things that cannot be bought, nor sought after, they must be earned.

There is so much that I will never be able to say, so much that I feel about so many things even in this moment, I am almost dizzy.

For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I look forward to the unknown life God has so beautifully and perfectly crafted, and I embrace the past with tenderness, but no longer tinged with the bitterness of regret.

A small side note: o trust means to find refuge in. Why then is it so hard for me to trust Him? It should be a joy to be to meet with opportunities to trust Him, to find refuge in Him. Taste and see that the Lord is good! I have been seeing Him in so many new ways. He is my Liege lord, my master, my lover, my friend, my protector, my refuge, my father, all that is love and comitatus in my life is Him. I know He is shaping me into what he wants me to be...
Batter my heart, three-personed god, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me; and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn and make new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprision me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me. -John Donne

Anyway, to wrap it all up, happy anniversary dearest, and
Kings to "us" <3

I have been tagged! Thus the picture...



Me and Wesley at our last dance recital :.)

"Morbid Poetry"

some new and fixed up stuff, I was on a roll haha.

How fortunate to be a fish
And never miss a bright moment!
We wander through our ‘wakened lives
In blinking blindness, lidded shut
And yet, to never have relief,
No pause to hide from the world’s woe
I think I would not covet fish
And miss some bliss, to shield some ill
~~~

A word, a look, would be enough
And yet her modesty is tough
The marble face my be past blushing
But never the soul past feeling!
The tremors, falters, all arised
Such open weakness is despised
To be overcome by such a trifle!
Ah, the past is hard to stifle
Frailty, thy name is feeling
Safety’s power is concealing
~~~

They sizzle and blaze
Through sky and earth
For discipline, or grace,
Or extravagant love
He makes sure they make their mark

Listen! Listen to His thunder!
I tremble, as a terror’d colt
I am bewildered utterly
And then…
He struck me
~~~

Our futures are like shadows
That dance and tease
Or pasts like an echo
Fading on the breeze
~~~

Today you’re Madonna
Tomorrow the Pope
And on Thursday you’ll be Joan of Arc
But beware!
Such transformations
Ruffle the hair