Lost

There was a girl who didn't know when to stop or
go,
and a girl who knew no rights or lefts
they drove together
not know
not go
with all that was left...

but is that right?

Sea Lessons: “He’s not safe, but He’s good.”

I am weary of words and people,
Sick of the city, wanting the sea;
Wanting the sticky, salty sweetness
Of the strong wind and shattered spray;
Wanting the loud sound and the soft sound
Of the big surf that breaks all day.
…now I am caught beneath great buildings,
Stricken with noise, confused with light.
…I have a need to hold and handle
Shells and anchors and ships again!
…I am too long away from water.
I have a need of water near.

“Exiled” ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

God knows me well. Coming home from Ukraine, I needed the ocean something fierce! He speaks so clearly to me on the sea- or perhaps I just listen better. This time, He challenged my knowledge of Him. Like Abram with the stars (Gen. 15), He took me out on the Atlantic, shook me by the shoulders and said, “look.”
It started with post-mission trip depression. I didn’t want to read the Word, didn’t want to pray, didn’t want to serve, nothing. The sea showed me why relating to God is more difficult (for me) in the U.S. than in Ukraine. God is not safe. Obviously, I love the ocean, but I was reminded today that the ocean overpowers me. A bad storm, strong current, boat issues- so many things can go wrong, and quick. The ocean’s not tame. You need to maintain a healthy fear of it, because becoming comfortable can have deadly results.
It’s the same with God. In Erasing Hell, Francis Chan says, “I hate to sound as if I’m singling out the church in America, but it’s where I live. And I have seen enough of His church in other countries to know that not everyone lives like us. In fact, few do. We have become dangerously comfortable- believers ooze with wealth and let their addictions to comfort and security numb the radical urgency of the gospel.” This is so true! Comfort is our ultimate; we can’t stand any alternatives, even God, so we “change” Him to fit in our comfortable sphere. I am so guilty of this.
Though a simple read syntactically, the subject matter of Erasing Hell surfaced my deepest issues with God. I wanted Chan to explain God and why Hell exists in a way I could understand and fit into my view of justice. Ha. Instead, Chan points to scripture, reminding me that God is God, and I am not. He has the right to do whatever He wants. If I think God is unjust, then it’s my justice system that’s screwed up, not His. If I doubt God’s goodness, then it’s my understanding that’s at fault. This was hard for me to grasp, being someone who seeks understanding in everything and depends on her own reasoning. But oh, the freedom that lies in taking hold of this truth! As the ocean far out-powers me, so God does infinitely more. “Who are you, oh man, to answer back to God?” (Romans 9:20). He is the creator of justice, who am I to judge?
This may seem depressing and even scary; it did to me. I can’t argue with God because He’s in control, so I can only succumb and tremble. But the God of justice is also a good God! Rich in mercy, abundant in love! Riding at the bow of the boat after a day off-shore, I witnessed the most magnificent sunset I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying a lot). The vibrant, lush colors literally proclaimed the beauty and majesty of the Lord. How can I not rejoice that the God who reveals Himself in such a sight is also the God who wields power that controls the sea? No, He’s not safe, but He’s good.

Happy Birthday Dad!

I'm amazed by all the cool things you've done, and I brag about them all the time! I love hearing your stories, especially the way you tell them, even if I've heard them a billion times before. I love the crazy, unrealistic things we talk about doing: skydiving, diving ship wrecks... I certainly inherited your love of nature, especially the ocean. I love waking up to loud worship music you play on Saturday mornings. I love the way you talk about the Old Testament: David, Abraham, and Elijah come to life. I love fishing with you, how excited you get even if we don't catch anything. I love quoting Master and Commander, Lord of the Rings, and the Incredibles with you. I love the integrity you have in your work, finances, and at church; I've watched you act in total honesty. I love your gentleness; You make me feel safe, (except for the times you jumped out of the closet with a lightsaber and Vader helmet while making Vader breathing noises, but that was ok ;).) I love talking about the places we hope to travel to one day. you've never betrayed my trust. You give me wise council. You encourage my strengths and inspire me to reach higher. I love how you sing Phantom of the Opera. I love it when you bring wildflowers home after working in the field. I love how you love the smell of plumerias, and when you make us lays. Most of all, I love YOU!! and I miss you so very much; I can't wait to see you again soon!

Fly

Fly
Words and music by Michael Gungor

All this doubt
Trying to work it out
Could you lay it down
For now

It’s good to think
But it’s good to drink
From this living stream
So why

Why don’t you fly
Free your mind
To all this splendor
Why don’t you fly
To the arms
That save

You can come
While your heart feels numb
You could just lie down
And rest

Or lift your eyes
To the open sky
We could come alive
And fly

If I ever get a tattoo...

it'll be an anchor with "ballast" written across the rope. Why? Because John Adams (one of the best men born to the USA, just sayin') once perfectly penned my entire being into one line: "Ballast is what I want; I totter with every breeze!"

I've been studying Psalms this past month, focusing on the attributes of God. You know one of my favorite things about God? His steadfastness. Over and over again, the psalmists proclaim the Lord's "faithfulness and steadfast love."



Psalm 103: 2-4
Bless the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy

I love that image! Jesus crowns us with His steadfast love and mercy! I love His steadfastness because it is so unlike me. I am ever-changing, He is everlasting! And He is even more steadfast than the word can convey. He alone can claim steadfastness because He is eternal. How can finite creatures understand the complete security and solidness of the Lord's love and mercy? How can I not give my trust over to Him completely in light of His certainty? The sure ans steadfast anchor for my soul! Thank you Jesus! And I need not feel guilt because He remembers that I am dust, utterly unstable, and what is His response? "But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him." Amen!

Packing, unpacking, and a forgotten suitcase

I was in Ukraine, settling into my apartment in Kyiv which, oddly enough, had a closet loaded with summer dresses. Admiring the sundresses, I realized I didn't pack a dress for Jenya's wedding, come to think of it, I didn't pack... at all. No toothbrush?! No food?! I scrambled for a plan to wash my only clothes at night in the lake, but would they dry by morning? And then... I woke up. Thank God.

Yeah, I might just be a tad bit stressed about Ukraine. Shocking I know.

Let's just say leading drama has created some drama in my personal life. I've been crazy trying to get everything together, and so a few vital things were pushed to the back burner. like talking to God and reading His Word, you know, just those little things.

Bad idea.

A while back I blogged about letting go of things I grasp (Phil. 2). Well, letting go is kinda like unpacking a suitcase. Everything I thought I needed for the trip was actually weighing me down.

Well here's part two: God needs to pack the suitcase back up. You can't show up in a foreign country for two months with an empty suitcase! After Paul points out our need to let go of what we grasp just as Jesus did, he says in chapter four of Philippeans, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me —practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

He starts with the unpacking element- take anxiety out of the suitcase! But Paul doesn't stop there! We're to unpack to God, and He will pack our suitcase with peace! Still have room in the suitcase? Then fill it with true things, honorable things, just things, things that are pure and lovely, commendable, excellent, praise-worthy things!

I was "letting go" of my fear and anxiety, but without anything to replace them, they just kept jumping back in! Like the Puritans (and Ben Stuart) said, "how do you dislodge a "beautiful" thing from the human heart? Replace it with a more beautiful thing." Amen!

So I cast my cares on the Lord, and He corrects the issues of my heart, and insures the completion of His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Ben Stuart has an excellent podcast on this titled, Living in Peace, check it out!

[What helped me come to this revelation? Spending the morning with this...

]

Poetry Portfolio

I've finished my poetry portfolio and in a few hours, I'll be finished with this semester hallelujah! I know I'm not quite publishing material, but I've found I'm just as passionate about writing poetry as I am about reading it. Maybe God has plans for that? I don't know, and in this moment, as I lounge on my favorite bench on campus, overlooking lake Virgina, I am completely content just to be in this very moment. Usually my ambition pulls my focus into the future, but right now, I'm overwhelmed by the richness of life God gives me, and whatever He has planned will be good, right, honorable, lovely, meaningful, and glorifying to His most worthy name!

Upon request, here's pieces from my final portfolio. (fyi. some of the typography is off due to blogger.)


The Rhyme Time

What pun it is to rhyme,
Spending time like
Tossed Dimes
flicker! flicker!

By association, straining
against and yet together creating,
elongating-
tension.

Cyrano Pinocchio

(The Oh! is cut short
by the
K
but can’t stop the lingering A)

Is that okay? To rhyme,
an incipient crime
of the peripatetic mind
Kuhwacked! into militant time.




A Poem of Pages
after Paige

because she wanted
to eat
The.
Damn.
Grits!
A vivacious vegetarian who would lay
down
her rights
for the not-cooked-in-a-kitchenette-but-a-palace
Ham
While singing EEEEEEE-eeeeeeee-
Eet
Eet
Eet
An ethereal melody
philosophy(?)

The key lime pie was inspiring [crying]
want
to eat your cooking
like milky blizzards and cake

-an-hour-before-

Through gritted teeth





“IVE EATEN


nothing.”




capital H


To Hell with you
H.
It's a capital place,
just past a ravine
like yours--
too wide to cross
unhelped

you know:
“hot as”
“mad as”
“raise some”
“of-a”
“what the”
“ya”
“no”

…that half-pace place
your hamartia.




Echo


I.

Woe
Those oh
who hear
Argot
of Empty Sphere
Here, we ashamed same
(Something is not same)

Something
is not
Same souls

The world cracked.
(hear?)


II.

Awake:
with a headached
Fear
of Terror Dreams
[and]
Standover Men
(with)
Wings


III.

Eternity
certainly
handles an Omniscient argot




Dust

I! irrevocably firm,
A leaded stone in that stale room


You walked by,
Disturbed
the air

Cause and effect-

My firmnity swelled:
Doomed.




The Starling

escaped
from my Pulsing Organ
on a reckless sigh

battered through roped reds and blues,
turning my inner set awry
[from circulatory to respiratory]

Not blood, but blue-fresh air it spied!
It shouldered through my hollow throat
and burst towards…

but I

swallowed
hard-
stilling starling
‘til
locked carefully back,


beating again.

My view :)